Expert: Master Shadow - 9/17/2008

Question
Dear master shadow,
I am considering becoming the slave to a man that i will sign my surrender to him in december when he comes over from the uk.I am being asked by him that in exchange for his 100% devotion to care for me for life, to love me i must accept that he will have a wife someday, because i am older than him and can no longer bare his children,I have been told i am in my space, i may never ask or am allowed to be involved in his sexual involvement with other woman.H e and i are sexually involved, and he said he will be my guardian as far as my other relationship, say i marry as well,but i must always serve him and his needs first.he is very strict and quick to punish if i even intimate i am moving over my boundaries.i want him in my life, i love him and i know he loves me,i am having a hard time thinking before i speak, and then he gets angry and i am then punished to the point menatally that i am devastated for days..crying.he sees me thru those events, loving me but saying i bring this pain on myself.how can i handle this aspect of being a slave, my sexual possessiveness my jealousy.
please help.i want this relationship.i have never been happier or seen my potential for growth before, so leaving him isn't an option.
thank you.
lauren

Answer
First, I would have to ask if those boundaries are clearly defined? That could be a part of the problem. If boundaries are not clearly defined, the slave will eventually feel lost, confused, and unhappy. If your boundaries are not clearly defined, then you need talk with your Master, and ask that those boundaries be spelled out, and better defined. If the boundaries are clearly defined, and you understand exactly at which point you have crossed those boundaries, then indeed you bring it on yourself.

This could be done for several reasons. One is reassurance. A slave or sub will test their boundaries often, making sure that if crossed, the Dominant notices, and reacts accordingly. If the Dominant does not react, then the sub or slave will push those boundaries even harder, seeking to be put back into place, whether gently, at first, or more harshly for continuing offenses. Somewhere along this point, the Dominant will usually set the slave or sub down, and speak with them at length in regards to their behavior, to find out why the sub/slave is acting out in the first place. In other words, you are trying to make sure you are secure in your position.

I am concerned, however, about the statement regarding marriage. If you marry, then, by rights, you follow your husband, and be with him, not someone else. I cannot see a man marrying you, only to have you run off to your Master to serve His sexual needs, then come back home to your marriage.. Most men wouldn't put up with that. I know I wouldn't, so, you will have to make up your own mind in this regards. Personally, I am reminded of the saying "You can't have your cake, and eat it too". So, either give up on the idea of marriage, or the idea of keeping this Master if you do marry. I can't see you as keeping both without arguments breaking out, and the husband, or Master being hurt over this. A man cannot serve two separate Masters, and neither can a woman. There will eventually be conflict. It is unavoidable, and you will be hurt in the long run.

As for thinking before speaking, it is the Dominants right, and responsibility to teach the slave or sub in the way that the Dominant sees fit. Learning to think before speaking is often a good thing, and I can only see it as proper training of a sub or slave. Realize, if you are not learning, and growing under your Dominant, then the relationship will go stagnant, and none will be happy. It is a Dominants responsibility to improve the value of  Their property, and it is often difficult for the sub/slave to see this at first. If you are not improving, and becoming better than you were before the training, then there is something wrong with this relationship, and it is doomed to failure before it even starts.

As for the punishments. I personally will not punish when I am angry. It takes a calm mind to think properly, and see things in their proper light. In anger, people get hurt. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. In short, I "take five" to calm, then think things through. If at that point, I still see punishment as necessary, it will happen. There is also discipline, which is NOT punishment, but rather a reminder that the behavior of the sub or slave needs correcting Things like being made to finish a task that was ordered, but never completed might be considered discipline. You have not mentioned whether or not your Master disciplines, as well. I can only assume that He does, as I have no reason to believe that He wouldn't.

As for sexual possessiveness and jealousy, these emotions, to a certain extent are normal. That is your Master, and you want to please, and serve Him. You feel slighted when denied this service. But, if it has reached the point where these emotions are overwhelming, then you need to speak with your Dominant in this regards. Perhaps explain to Him what you are feeling, and that you are having a difficult time dealing with these feelings. Explain to Him that you need His help in overcoming these hurdles, and that you care enough to bring this to Him, knowing He will as your Master, help you through it.Perhaps between the T/two of Y/you, there can be a solution worked out. Perhaps there is something He can do to alleviate these emotions, or at least help to lessen their impact on you. Make sure He knows that you are coming to Him in trust, as a slave or sub should, knowing that it is His right to help, as you are property, and owned by Him. Explain that this is important enough to you that you want His help with this, and that you are trying to work through it, but need His guidance. He, as your Master, needs this as much as you do. He needs to know that you will come to Him with issues, even if it is hard for you to do so. He should appreciate it, I would think.

I do see, personally, that you care enough to seek advice on this, which is good. I also see the potential for growth, as your contacting me already shows that you are growing into this relationship. I wish you and He the best in Y/your Journey. Now. go tell your Master you need some help with this, and grow! :D

I hope this is some help to you.


                                             SINcerely in Leather,
                                             Master Shadow.