Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/25/2008

Question
Hi, my Dom (boyfriend/fiance) just collared me a few days ago. I understand what this means and am very happy about it but I have very little experience with the formal D/s relationship. I want to please him! I have read a little about the lifestyle but want to hear from someone who can really give me some REAL advice and point me in the right direction for information. He does not have any rules (hmm should he have some?). I want to please him. Any advice regarding this lifestyle and how I can make him happy is appreciated. Also any info on how to deep throat, I've read some online and I'm trying to learn how. Thank you! ~s

Answer
Hello, Gypsy,

I'm always happy to hear from someone who wants to take the initiative when it comes to learning about BDSM. There are so many facets that the wisest thing to do is explore extensively to find the ideas that suit you best. Since there is no one right way to do BDSM a good thing to do is gather information from different sources and put together something that works for you. That's not to say there aren't common themes. You'll hear a lot about being safe, sane and consensual or practicing risk aware consensual kink. You'll also learn that communication and negotiation are important components of a BDSM relationship. These notions, and others, are basics that you'll weave into your own style of BDSM. To get you started I'll add my list of favorite sites at the end of this message.

One important thing to remember is that neither of you can read the other's mind. If you and your boyfriend want to have a dominant/submissive relationship, sit down and figure out together what that is. Submissives please their dominants in different ways and it's the responsibility of the dominant to let them know what those ways are. It's important that both partners express their own expectations and understand the partner's. Wanting to please is only half of the equation.

You've put the cart before the house a little bit by being collared before working out the details of the relationship. Although it has great symbolism for both of you, don't let it get in the way of having an open and honest discussion about how the power exchange is going to work in the relationship. By all means keep the collar, but don't let the power imbalance keep you from finding out what you need to know or telling your boyfriend what he needs to know. In fact, as you read you might find things you'd like to share with him. If he's serious about BDSM and having a relationship with you he should be receptive to that.

After you've done some exploring you'll probably have additional questions. I'm happy to provide this general information but you might want something more specific. If so, there are some experts here with lots of experience in submission. Don't hesitate to send a question to any of them.

Good luck to you both. You have an exciting journey ahead of you.

Mistress Violette

These are sites with down to earth BDSM information. They offer more than one perspective on power exchange relationships:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

You might want to check out this book: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It's great for learning basics, especially in terms of technique.