Expert: arani_CsA - 1/28/2009

Question
Hello,
And thanks for reading.
I have been an online domme for about 18 months and adore it.
I am now ready for actual play and am meeting a possible Slave next week. I've never met a Slave or sub and ask ridiculous as it sounds, I have no idea what to do or how to behave.
There will be no sex involved at all at any point, it is more life/mind control etc.
Do I shake his hand? Do I smile? Do I order him to sit? I don't want to appear cartoon-like but definitely don't want to be on a date. It's not a date at all but a professional meeting. Online I can word things perfectly, offline I am feeling very nervous.
Thank you for any advice.
B.


Answer
Hello, Ma'am...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, congratulations on finding a lifestyle that you find rewarding and meaningful.  And I will join you in hoping that this man you have met will turn out to be the slave you want him to be.  (And that he will find fulfillment in your relationship as well.)

Perhaps the most important thing you need to consider is safety -- not just his, but yours as well.  The internet abounds with horror stories of people being physically abused, or taken advantage of in other ways.  I've known of people who have been conned out of their life savings, and of at least one woman who travelled across the country to meet her "Master," only to find no one waiting for her at the train station and no money left for a ticket back home.  And it's not just submissives and slaves that have had experiences like this.  Now, I'm not wanting to frighten you at all -- I met my Master on line, and we have lived together happily for almost nine years now.  But, at the same time, you need to approach these things cautiously.  Be sure that you have a safe call, just as you ensure that he does.  (And, as this man's Mistress, you should make sure that he feels as safe with you as you feel with him.)

I would suggest that this first meeting be as vanilla as possible.  It should definitely take place in a neutral (and public) place.  Go out for dinner, take a walk in the park, go to a museum, or something similar.  Concentrate on getting to know each other better, as friends as much as Mistress and slave.  I fully believe that this side of your relationship is just as important, or maybe more so, than whether he can serve you well and find fulfillment in doing so.  Find some shared interest, whether that be watching sci-fi B movies or gardening, and work on being comfortable with each other in every sense.  If you can find that, then your innate natures will make sure that the rest follows close behind.  

Another suggestion I would have is to be yourself; be natural.  I can say, from experience as well as talking to others in my position, that what appeals to us the most is a natural Dominant.  With a few exceptions, we don't want a chest-thumper, or someone who has to make a big show of establishing their role.  What turns most of us on is that person who exudes a persona, as soon as they walk in the room, of being confident and in control.  Not just of those they own, but of themselves.  Many times you will find him/her sitting in the back of the room, quietly observing those around him.  And, yet, when she sees what she wants, she will go out and get it . . . again, quietly and so smoothly that the object of her pursuit may not realize that he is being pursued until he already has the hook in his mouth, so to speak.

Certainly, expect this man to treat you with respect.  In this day and age, a man who treats a woman courteously is not as common as it once was.  However, after watching our new president's inauguration, I suspect that common courtesy is going to come back into fashion.  (At least, I hope so.)  What should be most important (at least on this first meeting, especially), is not so much WHAT this man does, but HOW and WHY he does it.  Does he hold the door for you without making a big show of it?  Does he keep his eyes respectfully lowered, or does he boldly make eye contact?  This is something that anyone seeing you should take as a man simply behaving like a gentleman.

I think that how you behave with each other is something that will evolve over time.  Yes, there will be certain rules established from the start -- such as how he is to address you.  But, if this is to be a professional meeting, then conduct it as one.  Act as you would with an employee, or perhaps someone you are interviewing for a job.  You can "invite" him to sit down, while at the same time using a subtle tone of voice or eye contact to show him that this is a command.  Perhaps take this time to have a frank and open discussion as to what form your off-line relationship will take.  Be sure to ask for his input as well, since there is no formal relationship between you at this point.

Be sure that this man knows what you are going to bring to the relationship, in addition to commanding his service.  Show that you intend to nurture his growth, not just as a slave but as a person, and that you will be there to support him when he needs it.  One of the things that I love dearly about my Master is that he is not ashamed to fix me a nice cup of soup, when I'm not feeling well, or spend time shovelling snow off the walk so that I can get to my car without slipping.  What's important is that he does these things because HE wants to, not because I expect him to or even ask him.  

To summarize, your off-line relationship with this man should not be dramatically different than the one you share on line.  The most successful on-line relationships, lifestyle or vanilla, are the ones who use their time together on line as an extension of, or a supplement to, their off-line relationship.  Unfortunately, I have known too many people who were one thing when the computer was on, and something completely different when it was off.  

I think that, once you have spent a short time with this man, you're going to find that things come naturally.  After all, you're not playing a game (I hope), you're just being the person you were created to be.

Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions, please feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius