Expert: Oscar G. - 1/16/2009

Question
QUESTION: i am a 36 yo female submissive, this is my first D/s relationship. My Dom and i have been married for 3 years. We have a young child which prohibits us from participating in BDSM activities. Recently my Dom threatened to leave me based on my lack of respect towards Him. We do not have sex, We do not play. However. I love Him with everything i have in me.. I try my best to do as He asks of me. He is a wonderful husband and father. He works to support us so i can go to school. We are best friends.
I feel that we have marriage issues that need to be fixed. He feels they can be fixed if i just do what i promised. (to obey) Yes i have not been the best submissive. I am working on that and He is so far pleased by my efforts.
But, He has a female friend.. He has worked with her for a year, she is single, she is nilla. They are very close friends. They spend hours talking on the phone while at work about work and personal issues. I attempted to become friends with her. But then my Husband told her i called her some names behind her back now she wont talk to me.. Yes its true.. i called her names. He refused to end his friendship with her, i feel they have become closer than appropriate. I feel that He should be working on our troubled relationship rather than being loyal to His friendship with her. I know they are not having sex. He would not cheat physically. He is sweet to her, does favors for her. If she needs something He is the first person she goes to. I have spoken with my Dom about my feelings and disapproval. He tells me to get over it, he says i am overreacting. And that they are "just friends" He has called her names like, babe, baby, love, and even lover.. I am appauled. im hurt and im MAD.
am i overreacting? is it my place to just shut up and trust him? I am truly unhappy with his friendship with this woman.. it keeps me up at night I feel that he is giving to her what i used to have.


ANSWER: Dear "Tainted"

Over reacting?  No, not really. However as many good things you have toward each other and with each other. There is no Communion, no intimate sharing that makes the relationship work normally.
It makes me question why you do not have sex and do not play with each other. Having a child, could limit some activities and time for a while. But after 3 years and being ABLE to go to school there should be space and time to be able to have sex and/or scene/play/BDSM.

You went to great length to explain the how and why of him and her, But barely a mention of why you can not share yourself with him again. I guarantee you once you become more intimate the flirting and support he gets from any 3rd person will dissipate. He seeks hat because he is not getting some essentials from you. You may think sex is not as important as love and in many respects you are right. However being married, having a bond as Dom/Sub, implies rights and responsibilities. Some are more of attitude and poise, while others are more emotional and, yes, physical.

I am speaking outta line since perhaps the absence of sex and BDSM is a medical impossibility/limitation. If it is not or the problem is emotional/mental it needs to be addressed.
A couple without sex is like a fruit tree that does not give fruit. It can be big, lush, gives shade and have a treehouse in it and can be there. But it is somewhat incomplete without fruit. Product that gives subsistence to heart and soul. Not normal to have fruit trees without fruit, not normal for a couple not to have sex. Even after becoming parents.

Since he does not obtain that fruit from you, he seeks other blossoms to at least smell and see the flowers. But knowing enough not to pluck other fruit. Give to him what he used to have from you, so he gives you back what you feel he night be giving someone else.

I hope my point of view helps you to find what you need.
Best wishes.
Oscar G.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I really appreciate your response, i did not make my self clear. the lack of sex is due to him, not me, i am ready willing and able 24/7 He has no drive and is impotent. He has always been this way. it just has gotten worse. Hes always too tired, too stressed .. I assure you our situation is different, He is not a cheater. He does not fit the general sterotypes of most men.

Answer
Dear "Tainted":

Then I am really baffled. And counseling seems to be the answer in this case if he is not initiation and you are doing everything he asks (for the most part). There has to be an issue he is not telling, or you do not know. If not physical then it is psychological. But has to be shared and talked.
Sorry for my previous assumption. Yet The fact remains communications needs to be open and honest from both ends. Love can  be very good. But I still maintain that the physical bond needs to be re-strengthened. We all know BDSM play is not necessarily about sex, but power exchange. Mostly a mental interaction. If that also is lacking then thee are BDSM friendly counselors if you look under 'Kink Aware Professionals'.
Once again I hope this can help in any way.
Best Regards.
Oscar G.