Expert: arani_CsA - 1/2/2009

Question
Hi There i am very new to this world. Not that i judge or fear it i just have never had an interest in it.The reason i am here is that my partner has expressed interst in S&M. I love him and am willing to do anything to keep him happy. I know that he wants to be the submissive one and wants me to be his mistress...i think thats what its called. I really want to suprise him for his birthday with an experience he can never forget. I know that he wants me to bite him and possible spanking. I handcuffed him once in the past and he liked it. I know that this can be both sexual and nonsexual. Im looking into sexual. But i need help i dont even know what i would do and how to do it. Im thinking that for his birthday i would rent a hotel room. meet him in the lobby in a little black dress, have dinner and take him to the room and have my way with him. We both like vampires and i wanted to incorperate that into the evening. I plan to wear a little black dominatix get up under my dress. But now is where im confused. How do i go about well beating him...or is it punishing? I really want to satisfy him and well any adivce or ideas would be so helpful. Im willing to anything for my love so please no holding back on me. Thank you and have a nice day.

P.s. Hes doesnt like anal and anything that would hurt his penis. Hes also not into like cleaning the toilet with his tongue or anything like that.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

My first suggestion to you would be to do some reading on the BDSM lifestyle, and what it entails.  You may or may not already know that people who partake of the lifestyle espouse a wide variety of interests, ranging from those who simply enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom and going up to those who crave a full-blown Master/slave relationship like my husband and I do.  And everything in between.  As for S/m play, some may crave a good sound flogging whereas others prefer golden showers or breath play or any of a number of other play practices.

You are wise to want to learn more about how to play safely with your boyfriend.  It is very possible to do real physical harm in this lifestyle, if not done properly.  And yet, when done well and skilfully, with the safety and well-being of both parties considered, it can be a wonderfully satisfying experience.  

I would suggest that you start out slowly.  You mentioned that you have already experimented with using handcuffs, and you can move forward from there in several ways that are safe for your boyfriend as well as non-threatening for both of you.  How about using some soft scarves to tie his hands and his feet to the bed?  Perhaps you could use another scarf as a gag, or as a blindfold.  Certainly you can plan on having him wear a collar, and perhaps you could fasten a long leash to the bed as well.  Use a feather to do some serious tickling -- something that can be very intense if the person being tickled is bound so that he cannot escape.  Initially, I would limit any spanking or flogging to something fairly light and playful, so that no physical injury results.  Keep contact to the buttocks and thighs, where large muscles can absorb the force of any impact.  Be sure to allow him to tell you if things are getting to intense, although also be aware that many times those who are experiencing such things will experience a flow of endorphins that may make it difficult for them to recognize that they have had too much.  

Role-play is something that is used quite often in S/m play scenarios.  You mentioned that you are both into vampire lore; perhaps you could pretend that you are a vampire who is stalking him and toying with him for your own pleasures.  Inspire a little healthy fear, perhaps by using costumes and mood lighting to add to the effect.  Or there may be other roles that the two of you can assume for the sake of play:  teacher/student, policewoman who is arresting a suspect, mother/son, and so on.  Use your imagination here.

Other forms of service might include having him give you a massage or rub your feet, cook your dinner, or something similar.  Again, use your imagination here.

Many male submissives, in particular, enjoy being subjected to humiliation.  But be careful here; there's a big difference between reminding someone that he is not your equal, and that he exists only for your pleasure, and lowering his self-esteem so that he ends up feeling bad about himself.  Try calling him your "slut," or requiring him to eat from a bowl on the floor, or not being allowed to wear clothes in your presence.  He might enjoy some foot worship, or being used as a footstool.  

Most important of all, ask him what kinds of things turn him on and which ones either don't interest him or even frighten him.  Many S/m scenes start with a negotiation, where both parties discuss what is going to happen, and boundaries are laid out in advance.  I realize that this encounter is to be a surprise, so perhaps you could reserve the negotiation for the next time.  And, from what you are telling me, I'm sure that there will be a next time.  The interest is definitely there on his part, and it sounds like you are intrigued as well.

Here are some good places to go in order to learn more about the lifestyle:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
http://www.wizdomme.com (especially designed for female dominants and male submissives)

If the two of you decide that this lifestyle is definitely something you want to pursue in the long run, I also suggest that you locate a BDSM group that meets in your local area, and become involved.  You can find a listing of such groups at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Here you can get together with others who share your interests, either for "neutral" social occasions or more lifestyle-geared discussions and other events.  You can see how they interact with each other, and learn what they do (and don't do).  You could find yourself invited to someone's home or dungeon and have the opportunity for play that might not otherwise be possible.

Above all, have fun and be safe.  Don't do anything that would call undue attention to yourself or your partner, unless that sort of thing interests you.  You might not want to have to explain to your co-workers what you and your boyfriend were doing with that collar and leash.  If you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me again.  Good luck to both of you.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius