Expert: arani_CsA - 1/10/2009

Question
My ex Shelby, use to be a submissive. Now to my greatest dissapointment has turned against everything I taught her. Her myspace profile shows that if you look at it you'll see. Her email address is . It pisses me off how much fucking attitude she puts out like she's Miss High and Mighty. Here she use to be a cunt/slut/foot worshiper/tool. Here I thought I taught her well, now she's showing her ass off. After I hit her she left me. My question is how can I avoid these problems in the future cause can't help but feel some what responsible

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

Unfortunately, I am not able to access this woman's MySpace profile from your letter.  Her e-mail address also did not come through, but that's something I really don't need at this stage, unless she comes to me herself for advice.  I can give you some of my impressions, based on what you did tell me.  But, please understand that these are my opinions only, and someone else may see things completely differently.  I also don't know her side of the story.

I think part of the problem here is one of semantics.  The heading to your letter is "Masters/slaves," and yet you refer to this woman as having been your submissive.  Slaves and submissives are two completely different types of people, with entirely different ways of behaving as well as different motivations for doing what they do.  

Actually, many women who call themselves submissives behave in exactly the way you say this woman has been behaving.  I have many dear friends who are submissives, and many of them are wonderful women who serve their Dominants very well.  However, most submissives are concerned primarily with their own desires and their own pleasure.  Perhaps it is a paradox that they derive that pleasure from serving others.  But there is a common saying that the submissive is the one who has the real control in a D/s relationship, and there is some truth in this.  The submissive determines when she serves and how, by stating her limits before taking the collar and by enforcing them afterwards.  She also usually has a safeword, and can leave the relationship at any time.  

For many women, their submissiveness only goes as far as what they want to do, and what is fun for them.  With a slave, it doesn't matter whether she enjoys what she is told to do or not.  She must just do it.  But some submissives, once things stop being fun, suddenly exert their limits and run off in search of someone else to play with.  And there's nothing automatically wrong with that, if that's what they make clear from the outset.

One other thing jumps out at me from your letter.  You stated that this woman left you after you hit her.  I'm sorry, but that's a red flag for me, and may well have been the "straw that broke the camel's back" for her.  What were the circumstances of your hitting her?  Was this a punishment?  And, if so, did you discuss with her beforehand that hitting her was a possible consequence of misbehavior on her part?  If she did not consent to such actions, in the negotiation phase of your relationship, then she most likely saw that as abuse.  And I have to admit that I might have seen it that way as well.

One way you can possibly avoid such things happening again, in the future, is to carefully negotiate with your submissive -- before the collar goes on -- what is expected of her, and what consequences will result from any misbehavior on her part.  (Now, I'm differentiating here between "play" punishment and "real" punishment.)  Also, when you do punish her, be sure that she knows beforehand why she is being punished.  Take into consideration whether this is a deliberate violation of your rules, or simply an honest mistake that instead signals that more training is needed in a particular area.  

If what you want is a slave and not a submissive, then you need to make that clear to any prospective partner beforehand.  There is a big difference between being obedient and being pleasing.  I like to say that submissives DO what their Master wants while slaves BECOME what their Master wants.  Most D/s relationships focus on actions as the source of feelings and pleasure, whereas most M/s relationships focus on more internal motivations.  A slave obeys because she truly believes that she exists for the purpose of making her Master happy; whereas a submissive obeys because she enjoys doing what she's told to do or because she's afraid of being punished.  

At the same time, remember that even slaves have the right to consent.  Even a slave should not be forced to do something that upsets her to the point of causing harm, either physically or emotionally.  Yes, it is the Master's privilege (and often his pleasure) to push the submissive or the slave past soft limits that might be due to inexperience on her part.  But it is also his responsibility to protect her from any lasting harm that may come from pushing her past the limits of what is physically or psychologically safe.  And knowing where one stops and the other starts is something that even the wisest and most experienced Masters sometimes grapple with.

Good luck to you, Sir, and if you have any further questions, please feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius