Expert: arani_CsA - 1/17/2009

Question
Greetings, and thank you for being here.
i recently decided to act on my feelings of wanting to be a boy in Sir/boy
relationship after many years of being dominant.  trouble is i don't know how
to do it. i have never been in the "scene" and not sure where to start.
i did meet someone online and we have met and played a few times. Now this
person is out of town for a few months and wanting me to complete tasks
while He is gone. i don't feel genuine doing them and told Him so.
He responded that He was hurt and felt i was being wishy washy. Is this
appropriate for someone that you have only played with twice?

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

You ask if this type of behavior is appropriate for this person.  It may, or may not be, depending on the parameters of the relationship that you and he have established with each other.  Do you have a bonded relationship with each other, or are you casual play partners?  I have worn two on-line collars, and in both instances the interaction that I had with my Masters on line was only one facet of our overall relationship.  In one instance, we had agreed that his control over me extended only to the time that I spent on-line, while the other one commanded every aspect of my life.

Most D/s relationships will start out with a period of negotiation, in which both partners establish the boundaries and limits of their relationship.  The submissive is allowed to specify "limits," or things that he will not do.  (However, it is the Dominant's pleasure -- and responsibility -- to push those limits when possible.)  These limits might be that the sub will not submit to golden showers, or that he won't be commanded to have sex with other men.  The Dominant will, in turn, specify what rules he expects the sub to follow, and what the consequences will be for misbehavior.  The Dominant will also specify what he is going to bring to the relationship, in the way of protection or guidance.  Often an actual contract will be drawn up, although this is not legally binding.  And this contract can be temporary, to be re-negotiated periodically, or it can be permanent.

Now, you stated that you didn't feel "genuine" in doing the tasks your partner required of you.  I suspect that what he was questioning was the depth of your submission.  I think that what you need to do is to spend some time figuring out what it is that you want from this lifestyle.  (One of the wonderful things about BDSM is that there are so many different "flavors" of it that people can enjoy.)  Do you want a bonded, exclusive relationship, or do you want a casual play partner who has no claims on you once the scene is over?  Or do you want something in between?  Then, you need to determine what your partner wants, and if that meshes with your own needs and desires.

Here are some good places to further your education regarding the lifestyle:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Good luck in your search.  If you have any further questions for me, feel free to bring them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius