Expert: ziggy ziegler - 1/6/2009

Question
i have a problem i love bdsm i love pain, sex, being a slave i have a rape fantasy i love everything there is to love about bdsm....but the problem is my boyfriend dosent like the idea of hurting me. hes put me in to complete submission only 2 times so far. we don't do it often enough 4 me to be scared of him so i play with him i make it hard i try to push him so he gets mad but i found he just tends to give up, but im not about to be "scared" of something that doesn't mean any harm most of the time...he threatens me but never follows though. i don't know what to do or how i can talk to him about this because we had a fight the other night about it what do i do?
and advice would be great

Answer
Greetings Astrid

Thank you for the question.

What I understand of your question is that you are someone who enjoys BDSM and your boyfriend is not comfortable engaging you in those activities on a consistent basis.

First, I understand this can be rather frustrating and even saddening. You have a desire to be his slave and to experience BDSM with an unwilling partner.

We are taught early on in life, that hitting others is not acceptable behavior no matter if we ask for it or not.

When approaching a lover or partner with the idea of BDSM or fantasy role play it might be helpful for you to begin by understanding why you want this. Taking a little time to write out your reasons can be helpful when you approach your boyfriend. This ensures that what you tell him is clear. For example:

I see BDSM as another tool in the toolbox of sexual excitement. I am not one who uses BDSM as away to work through self-loathing feelings about myself. It turns me on to feel powerless with a partner I trust, and who is willing to take me where they would like to go.  If you can pin point your motives then it makes it possible to share that with your partner.

A few other ideas:

1. Communicate: Take a moment to discover what about BDSM you find exiting and even in some cases needed.

2. Take it slow: Talking about BDSM and D/s to a partner who is not sure is best done like eating an elephant; one bite at a time.

3. Look for opportunities to do some role-playing… this does not have to include heavy BDSM but maybe something a little more light hearted….that ends in enjoyable sex for both of you.

Example: The schoolgirl and professor. There is a power exchange there along with some light SM… she has been missing her assignments and needs a harsh reminder a spanking that may turn into some sexual encounter. My point here is that remember we are asking our partners to do something that is taboo. We have to go slow and be engaging.

4. Make it a partnership of discovery: I would say that we all have some kink in us no matter who we are. Making it a partnership of discovery is a wonderful way of you both getting what you need.
5. Do some research: Finding others who are into BDSM might also help. Knowing that you both are not alone in your kinkiness is rather liberating and can open up opportunities for you both

Now on the off chance none of the above makes any sense or just does not work. You maybe forced to take a look at how strong your needs are to be in a relationship that includes BDSM. Unfortunately, we can’t force them to be what we want them to be or what they just can’t be and manipulation is usually counter productive. The essence of BDSM is that It’s consensual, which includes the dominant as well.

Unfortunately, it’s a place I found myself in a number of years ago and it stunk but my need to be in a relationship which had BDSM in it was greater then my desire to be with that particular person.

One last idea I have is a book called “when someone you know is kinky” It has a lot of information (It’s a thin book written in a simple format.) that might be useful when talking to your partner.. it helps explain what might be difficult for you to talk about in ways he may understand. Its worth a shot and I think it can be found or AB Books or Amazon books.

Best of luck and please feel free to follow up if you have any more questions or if you need more clarification on what I have said please do not hesitate to ask.

Warmest regards
Slave ziggy