Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/27/2009

Question
Greetings, Mistress Violette.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for nearing six months now, and have known for quite some time that he is interested in BDSM. He is naturally a Dom, and in a marriage previous to meeting me, he had shared a mild-medium master/slave relationship that carried on outside the bedroom.
The thing is, I have no problem with this. In fact, I'm quite interested in what BDSM is about. I have sub/dom friends that I will talk to about it, and I have read about it, and I know that I am a submissive person by nature.
The problem is, whenever we talk about even the prospect of perhaps getting into an actual master/slave BDSM relationship, he goes on and backs out more often than not saying that he doesn't want to try something with me and I find that I won't like it, thus complicating our relationship. I understand where he's coming from, but I've actually read up on things, I know him, I trust him, and I really would like to try this sort of relationship with him.
The problem is, I'm a bit of an insecure person as well, and I have a hard time just coming out and saying, "Just collar me already!" or really ANYTHING of that nature (I mean, I have a hard time taking the initiative in the bedroom, for crying out loud). I realize that some of my insecurities are not all derived from being submissive, but I also realize that I think I need advice on how to get through to him that I am willing to take that leap of faith and become the sub to his Dom.
We have - whether by our very natures or who knows what - already fallen into something of a dom/sub relationship, entirely informal, but we rarely even do any BDSM related activities in the bedroom, perhaps because he fears scaring me away or something.
Am I naturally a sub? Or am I just fooling myself because I want to make him happy? And isn't that just part of what a sub wants: to please their master? Maybe I'm just over-thinking this right there, but either way, I am interested and want to actually start something with him.

So any advice on what I could say/do/whatever to convince him that I want to be his sub/slave and that he shouldn't keep holding back would be greatly appreciated. Words of wisdom are always appreciated. Even ORDERS would be nice now, just to give me a jump start or something. I don't know.
The only reason why I'm confusing myself is because I'm just unsure of how to tell him.

Thanks in advance.

Answer
It sounds to me like you already have told him and he understands you perfectly. He's told you he doesn't want to explore this with you right now and why. The problem is, you're not wanting to, or not willing to, respect what he's said. That's understandable in the circumstances. It's hard when you want something that seems within your reach, yet you can't quite get to it. Still, the best thing might be to back off and see how things evolve naturally. You say you've fallen into an information dom/sub relationship. It might be a good idea to stop trying to push for more and just see what develops with what you already have. He obviously has some concerns. Rather than adding to them by trying to make him do something he's said he doesn't want to do, show him you have the patience to wait and take things slowly. That shows potential for being a pleasing submissive. Being too actively engaged in trying to change his mind could be coming across as controlling and selfish, even if that's not really the case.

I think you're wise to wonder if you're a submissive or if you just want to think you are, to be compatible with him. You might try sharing these questions with him and asking him to help you learn more about BDSM, and yourself, through education, rather than play. Maybe he could make reading recommendations or you could visit some sites together and talk about what you find. It's a good faith thing. Sometimes people are too eager to play and it does give potential partners pause.

You want to make him happy but nothing you've said shows that he's not happy already. In fact, you seem to have a good thing going. He's honest with you and considerate of you. I think he knows he's a lucky guy to have found someone so compatible. Give him time and reason to get comfortable with the idea of pushing the limits of your relationship. In the meantime, keep learning about your own needs and about BDSM. I think you'll eventually see a natural progression that will meet your needs and his.