Expert: Lady Aryana - 1/24/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am in a relationship that started with us both interested in BDSM. Over the years it has seemed to have disappeared between his work and me working and going back to school. I miss it and i am having more and more desire to express my submissiveness. It is a very strong desire. I am afraid it is not as important to him as i wish. I am afraid of his lack of interest. How do i let him know? It should be something that is easy to talk with him about but i am afraid.

ANSWER: rose,

I am sorry I have not gotten back to you sooner, I have been trying to figure this out other then to simply tell you to sit down and talk to him.... This is the first and only thing you can do. You need to find out where he stands now, what he is wanting from the relationship and where he has grown in it. Sorry to say people change over time, they find things that they *think* they want, and like a kid in a candy store it's fun for a while, but then they get to sample it all, and the excitement wears off, and they get bored.. So then they just walk about looking at everything thinking this is no fun anyone I just want to go home.

Yes you are afraid but you still need to talk to him,, Something might have changed with you, and he might have taken that as a sign you no longer wanted this, and hasn't pushed it, and with him not pushing, you took it he didn't want it, and it went back and forth and well here you are.

What was his favorite thing to do? If you can remember this, approach him with that and kneel before him one night, and beg him to have him use it on you, reoffer your submission to him, show him that you still wish to be his.

I would suggest you find some contracts and fill them out, if you would like, let me know, and I will send you some, send me a private msg with your email, so I can send you some. I have many. Once you find one you like, you can offer him this contract when you re offer yourself to him.

Bur first TALK to him.. If you don't feel you can speak to him face to face, write him a letter explaining to him how you feel what you miss, what you would like to return to, and ask him what if anything you can do to get that relationship back you once had. Also once you do start talking, please remember the key to any relationship is communication you have to always keep the lines open, no matter how busy life gets, you need to take time to talk five, ten fifteen minutes a day.. Or a hour a week.. Anytime, but it has to be there, you can't stop talking, communication is the key to any relationship, and more so in a M/s, D/s relationship.

Good luck, and I hope you can work things out.

MrsMarie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your advice. You are correct. We do communicate well but he is over stressed and over worked. His company just let 150 people go and he travels for work and now he will travel more. We have not been intimate for a month now and if i start to mention it he gets more stressed. Being submissive is something i have to do and i am becoming frustrated and down right cranky, that is not like me. i will try to kneel before him tonight. i am sorry for rambling but i feel lost.

thank you
rose

Answer
Rose,

I am glad to hear that you are communicating with him.. I am sorry to hear that he is stressed and over worked and this is the cause of the problems which is at the heart of your issues..

Let me suggest a few things if I may.. M/s relationships take alot of work, and really when times like this come up, it is more work then two people can put in.. When times like this happen, you need to find another means to handle the relationship so that there is still a power exchange so that you feel your place and you do not lose what you are working on, and when the time is right you can return to what you had before much easier.

 You say you are submissive, and you need to do this, it is part of what you are, and you become cranky cause you can't be what you feel what a submissive is. At least this is how I took it.. Well being submissive isnt simply him telling you what to do, it's doing things you know he want's making his life easier allowing the stress easier for him.

Keeping the house clean, cooking dinner, shopping, paying bills, handling the little things so he doesn't have to and so forth.. All these things are helping him. This lessens the stress for him. Which I am sure you already know.

Now for my suggestion.. I am not sure if either of you have ever heard of Domestic Discipline relationship. It's another form of Power Exchange. For the most part, 95 percent of the relationships the male is the head of the household. The women are submissive to the men. He sets rules, and she obeys. If she doesn't follow these rules, she is punished. Normally she is punished by spankings, corner time, lose of rights, and so forth. In these relationships they have what are called maintenance spankings, which are given once to three times a week. These spankings cover the little things that might have been missed during the week or to remind the submissive of her place so she remembers to behave. It also allows the HOH *Head of Household* a way to release stress.

This gives him a chance to take out his stress in a way without being abusive for the little things his spouse/girlfriend has done during the week which has upset him. Snapping at him, left the toothpaste lid on the counter, not putting the clothes in the basket when taking a shower and so forth..

This relationship isn't as controlling as a M/s so the time spent in it so to speak isn't as much, so you get the same results in the end, but he doesn't have to worry about being *Master* 24/7 so to speak... Yet you are submissive to him as much as you wish.. You will find that the more submissive you are, and the less stress he becomes, the more things should turn around... I hope.. I am adding a few DD contracts to help you, so you can show him and see if he would be willing to try this while things are so rocky at the moment.. Maybe this will help, and when things calm down you will be able to work back to the relationship you had before, or never know, you might end up finding this is the relationship that works best..

Also, here are some links to look at to learn some more on DD..

http://marriage-bliss.blogspot.com/

http://www.takeninhand.com/

http://rncblog.blogspot.com/

http://ldd4me.blogspot.com/2006/07/loving-domestic-discipline_04.html

Those are a good way to learn about DD relationships, maybe you can print off some information and offer it to him and talk about it.. Also below are three contracts which are based on DD... Which can maybe help you work around these stressful times... Note in one of the contract it states * 1. To maintain an open and honest dialogue with her regarding my own needs and state of mind. To tell her when I cannot fulfill my responsibility as HOH due to illness or stress, and to set a specific date for resuming my responsibilities.* Which I think is something which is what you both will find very helpful for you both, if nothing else, that there may be the key, the understanding that he has a chance now to stand up and you know he will say Hey I am stressed, and I need time to step back..

These contracts can be edited to your and hes liking, these are examples, I did not make them, so you can change them to anything you wish..

Good Luck

MrsMarie


Example One:-


#Part 1 of  

Loving Domestic Discipline Agreement Part One

Officially entered into on _________:

I, ................ , wife of ................ , do hereby acknowledge that I have researched and read information on Loving Domestic Discipline and the doctrines it advocates. It is my desire to have my conduct regulated by the enforcement of these doctrines. I, thereby, give my husband the full right and my permission to discipline me through spanking, corner time, grounding or removal of privileges whenever such discipline would prove necessary and in accordance with this agreement.

This agreement has been entered into willingly and for no other purpose than to improve my disposition, attitude and behavior and secure the general benefit that always comes from the enforcement of intelligent discipline.

I understand and accept that I will be disciplined without fail whenever I break my promise to:

1. Refrain from derogatory or inflammatory speech toward my husband, including but not limited to swearing, sarcastic remarks, raising my voice and insults. To endeavor to address my husband with respect, using “Sir” whenever appropriate.


2. Be in Total obedience and submission to my husband as the Head of our Household. This specifically includes:

a. Giving him the authority to make the final decision in all matters that warrant one.

b. Maintaining our home in a clean and presentable condition and to do routine household tasks in a timely manner.

c. Maintain financial responsibility.

d. Refrain from using foul language.
e. Refrain from making disparaging generalizations.

f. Refrain from speeding or driving in an unsafe manner.
g. Refrain from drinking alcohol.
h. Not to disobey my husband’s verbal or written requests.
i. Not to make any comments that put myself down (i.e.: I’m too fat).

3. To make every effort to control my temper with him, our family and others.

4. To be truthful in all matters.

5. To confess any transgressions he is not aware of, or witness to.

6.  To always keep doctor appointments and to take my medications on time, and as prescribed.

I promise to cooperate with my husband fully and faithfully, to prepare for any punishment promptly when asked to do so and harbor no ill will toward him for so disciplining me. I further promise to ask for discipline when I feel I need it in an effort to refrain from provoking him to discipline me through bad behavior, attitudes or the willful breaking of rules.

I further consent to my husband’s authority to amend or add to the aforementioned promises as he sees fit.

_______________________________________________________................  (Wife)

_______________________________________________________................  (Husband)

Loving Domestic Discipline Agreement Part Two

I, ................ , husband of ................ , in accordance with her wishes as expressed in Part One of this agreement, do hereby promise and agree to discipline my wife thoroughly whenever I feel such discipline would prove helpful to her and/or safeguard our marriage and family. I have read her agreement and subscribe to the same Loving Domestic Discipline doctrines that we have researched together stated in her agreement.

I take this responsibility seriously and thoughtfully and agree to live this lifestyle according to the following guidelines:
1. To maintain an open and honest dialogue with her regarding my own needs and state of mind. To tell her when I cannot fulfill my responsibility as HOH due to illness or stress, and to set a specific date for resuming my responsibilities.

2. To be consistent in correcting her behavior and applying discipline, knowing that inconsistency is harmful to her state of mind.

3. To spank her with any instrument I deem appropriate.

4. To spank her as extensively as I deem necessary and in accordance with the severity of the infraction.

7. To spank her only upon her buttocks and thighs.

8. To try to position her in a way that is not unnecessarily uncomfortable and that places her body in the most accessible position in order to administer a spanking safely.

9. To use restraints should I deem it necessary to keep her safely in position for a spanking.

10. To resume friendly and loving relations with her immediately following a spanking and to administer further spankings should she not display the same attitude toward me.

11. To  verbally inform her of any additions or amendments to the promises made by her in Part One of this agreement in a timely matter and as a “warning” to discourage behavior or attitudes not specifically outlined.

12. To never divulge our lifestyle to anyone without her express permission.

13. To be discreet when administering discipline.


For my wife’s benefit and the safeguarding of our marriage and family, I promise to discipline her without fail if she should violate any of the promises made in Part One of this agreement. I will verbally inform her of any amendments to this contract, and we will review it weekly to discuss the need for any changes.


Signed,

_______________________________________________________
................  (Husband)


_______________________________________________________
................  (Wife)




Example Two:-

Domestic Discipline Contract

This lifestyle has been entered into with the express reason of enhancing out marriage and promoting a harmonious life together.

I, NAME AND SURNAME (f) wife of NAME AND SURNAME (m) promise to:

1. Not use derogatory or inflammatory speech towards NAME (f) including rude or personal remarks and put-downs.

2. Show respect to NAME (m) as the Head of our Household at all times.

3. Obey NAME (m) willingly at all times.

4. Refrain from any comments or actions that could damage my self esteem or harm myself in any way mentally or physically.
 
5. Ask for discipline when I feel I need or deserve it. It is up to the sole discretion of NAME  (m) whether he decides to discipline me or not and I will accept his decision.

6. Allow NAME (m) access to by body at any time he chooses and in any way he chooses.

7. Not divulge any aspects of our lifestyle to anyone with out NAME’s (m) express permission unless it is to legally defend our chosen lifestyle.

8. Not interact with anyone else in a manner that could be construed as sexual, without NAME’s (m) express consent.

I, NAME AND SURNAME (m) husband of NAME AND SURNAME (f) undertake to discipline NAME (f)  in compliance with the 6 conditions set out below.

1. Any injury or mark that is inflicted will heal within 14 days.

2. Any marks caused by discipline will not be visible when wearing clothing appropriate to the time of year. E.g. in the summer NAME (f) will be able to wear bikini or shorts when she chooses and there will be no visible marks. With exception to point 3 below.

3. If NAME (f) resists discipline I have her permission to restrain her in any way I choose Condition 2 regarding marks does not include any marks that are bought about by NAMES’s (f)  desire to avoid discipline.  

4. Friendly and loving relations will resume immediately a punishment is complete.

5. In any discipline I will use my utmost discretion to avoid our lifestyle becoming apparent to anyone else.

6. I will not discipline NAME (f) without first explaining my reasons for doing so.

In addition to the above I, NAME SURENAME (m) promise to:

1. At all times put NAME’s (f) needs and the needs of our relationship above all others.

2. Not use derogatory or inflammatory speech towards NAME (f) at any time including rude or personal remarks and put-downs.

3. Not interact with anyone else in a manner that could be construed as sexual, without NAME’s (f) express consent.

4. Not divulge any aspects of our lifestyle to anyone without NAME’s (f)  express permission unless it is to legally defend our chosen lifestyle.


If I, NAME SURNAME (f) break any of my 8 promises I give NAME SUENAME (m) my full blanket consent to discipline me in any way he chooses providing he complies with the 6 conditions to punishment as laid out in this contract.  If I, NAME SURNAME (f) resist discipline I give NAME SURNAME (m) permission to restrain me in any way he chooses.
I, NAME SURNAME (f) instigated this lifestyle and enter into this agreement willingly and with full understanding of its meaning.

If I, NAME SURNAME (m) break any of my 4 promises or discipline NAME (f) outside the confines of the 6 conditions laid out in this contract it will immediately invalidate this contract and call an end to our domestic discipline lifestyle.

This 2 page contract is signed by us on the DATE

NAME SURNAME(m)…………………………………………………………………

NAME SURNAME (F)…………………………………………………………………






Example three:-

DD Contract

THE DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE AGREEMENT Date _____________________

I, __________________ wife of _______________________ do hereby acknowledge that I have read the information on domestic discipline and approve of the doctrines it advocates. From this date on it is my wish to have my conduct regulated by the enforcement of these doctrines. I give to my husband, therefore, the full right and permission to remove privileges, send me to the corner, or spank me whenever he feels such discipline would prove helpful and be in accordance with the spirit of the agreement. This Agreement has been entered into willingly - and for no other purpose than to improve my disposition and secure the general benefit that always comes from the enforcement of intelligent discipline. I understand that I will be disciplined without fail if I break my promise to refrain from:

1. Derogatory or inflammatory speech towards my husband to include rude or smart aleck remarks, and put downs.

2. Not being in TOTAL obedience and submission to my husband as the Head of our Household.

3. Any comment that puts myself down and lowers my self esteem ie (“I’m to fat, I don’t look sexy in underwear, who would want a fat cow like me,” by the way I do, “you just say that because you love me”).

4. Not putting away things where they belong.

5. Disobeying my husband when he ask me to do something.

6. To ALWAYS cooperate with my husband in taking of pictures of myself in any dress or manner he should choose.
I promise to cooperate with my husband faithfully. I will get ready for the punishment promptly when asked to do so and I will bear him absolutely no ill-will for so disciplining me. I promise further to ASK for spankings when I feel I need them., and I will report and ask for the discipline when I feel need or deserve it. (Signed)

X________________________________(wife) X________________________________(husband)
I, __________________ husband of ___________________________ in accordance with her wishes, as expressed above, do hereby promise and agree to discipline my wife THOROUGHLY when-ever I feel such discipline would prove helpful to her. I have read the agreement, and subscribe to the RULES AND REGULATIONS. I especially agree as follows:

1st - To spank her with any instrument deemed necessary by me.

2nd - To take care not to cut her skin, raise welts or otherwise bruise or injure her body at any time.

3rd - To spank her only upon her buttocks, after she has placed herself across my lap in the regular spanking position.

4th - To resume friendly relations immediately after a spanking is over. To hold a grudge or to continue a quarrel or misunderstanding after a spanking has been administered is in direct violation of the whole spirit domestic discipline.

5th – To never divulge our lifestyle to anyone without her permission, and to be discreet in administering the discipline.

6th – To use the less serve forms of punishments such as corner time and removal of privileges, as I deemed necessary for the severity of the infraction. For my wife's own good, I promise to discipline her without fail whenever any of the causes listed above have been violated.

(Signed) X________________________________(husband) X________________________________(wife)