Expert: arani_CsA - 1/14/2009

Question
I am extremely new and naive to the D&s relationship.In my public life i am a brassy confident woman. However in my mind i have always wanted to be taken,owned and conquered. I have(by law of attraction) found a Man who can give me want i need. I however am having a hard time totally relinquishing my personal power and unlocking the words that He wants to hear. So my question is two-fold: Can you provide insight into the mindset and spiritual needs of a submissive and also help me to understand how my Master wants me to talk to him.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, congratulations on discovering what can be a wonderfully rewarding lifestyle, as well as a potential partner to share it with.  There are a few things you should understand, however, about this lifestyle.  (I'll suggest a few websites where you can start your education later.)

I think you are a bit puzzled, right now, on just what a submissive is, and the wide variety of options that are available to someone who calls herself one.  Some people only want a little kinky play in the bedroom, while at the other end of the spectrum is an extreme submissive who approaches what I experience in my life as a slave.  And everything in between.

One thing that makes a submissive unique is that SHE is the one who determines how she serves, and when, and who.  She also determines the limits of her service, or what she absolutely refuses to do.  Don't let anyone tell you she doesn't have the right to do this; consent is a very important part of this lifestyle.  Typically, a Dominant and a prospective submissive will enter into a period of negotiations before they formalize their relationship.  The Dominant informs the submissive what will be required of her, and what the consequences of her misbehavior will be.  And the submissive informs the Dominant of her limits, both "soft" and "hard."  Soft limits are areas in which she may not have much experience, and be a little nervous about doing at first.  Whereas hard limits are things that are absolutely out of bounds, always and forever.  (For instance, a submissive might refuse to have sex with other women or leave her husband and family.)  

It might surprise you to learn that many submissives are strong and independent women, who work in high-pressure jobs (often in positions of management).  These women enjoy leaving their job, and its pressures, behind while they turn control of their lives over to someone else for a time.  The same goes for many submissive men.  

A successful submissive has to be very self-assured.  They are strong, intelligent women who know exactly what they want and are willing to work hard to go out and get it.  They have taken the time to learn about a prospective Dominant, and know whether he will shelter them and provide for their own needs while at the same time be demanding and expect only the best from them.  They take the initiative to go out there and learn new skills that might help them be more pleasing to their Dominants.  Submissives are anything but doormats.

A submissive, long and short, is merely a woman who enjoys being told what to do -- either on a full-time basis or for a short time during the day.  She may cook her Dominant's meals, she may go out and earn an income to help support the household, she may act as his secretary, or she may bear his child.  She may be in a relationship where she spends only a few hours each week under her Dominant's control, and then go home to her husband and family to live an outwardly "vanilla" life.

What are the needs of a submissive?  These can vary widely.  The best way I can anwer that is to ask what YOUR needs are.  Why are YOU drawn to this lifestyle?  What do YOU want out of it?  Your answers to these questions may be dramatically different from someone else's.  

The same goes for a mind-set.  One woman might feel she has no control over her life, and wants to let someone else guide her.  Another may be CEO of a major company, who looks forward to taking off that burden of responsibility when she gets home.  Yet another may enjoy being subjected to a good beating from time to time, and have no interest at all in being a good obedient little subby the rest of the time.  And so on.

As to how your Master wants you to talk to him, that's something that only he can know.  I suspect that he wants you to address him with respect, and courtesy, and deference.  Acknowledge that he has control over whatever aspects of your life you have turned over to him, and work hard to obey those rules that he has given you.  Watch and learn how he likes his coffee and his steak, and how he reacts when you dress in certain ways.  Above all, ask him and listen well to his answers.

Here are some good places to learn more:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

But also spend time learning about yourself.  What makes you tick?  In other words, what do you want in a prospective Dominant?  What do you have within you that you can offer to him?  What are your limits, both hard and soft?  And what is it that draws you to this lifestyle?  These are answers that will take a lifetime for you to answer.  I'm still answering some of them for myself.

Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius