Expert: Oscar G. - 1/1/2009

Question
Sir,  I am married to a wonderful woman for 9 year now and we have mutually expressed a desire to explore the lifestyle, and I have a unexplored desire to be extremely dominating with her.  She has expressed the need to be submissive but does not believe that it is something that we could accomplish given our history as a mutually DOM couple we switch back and forth in our married roles.  I desire to know myself and to be in control of myself and the world around me including her to the extent as she has expressed. I do not wish to be a control freak, I merely want to explore the aspect of topping from someone or somewhere who can show me how to be better at what I want to do.  Can you point me in the right direction?  I am currently out of the country so online training or mentoring would work.  In the military I remember "You have to be a good follower to be an effective leader"  doe that apply here?  I wish to enjoy this and to help her to enjoy the role of sub as well.  Thank you

Answer
Hi Sean:

You both seem to have the right intention and goals, but a bit of mental fine tuning perhaps needed on both. Yet the shift in perspective is a bit different for each because of role.

But I think both of you have to realize  that even if one has to be "Top" and the other "Bottom". May not necessarily mean one is Master and Slave. Merely perhaps Dominant and Submissive roles. Since you both already have a previous working relationship and you have similar/balanced/egalitarian role in most other aspects of your life, a little shift in perspective will help.

The trick is that, at least in the sexual arena/bedroom, you will lead and she will follow. At the very basic core that is the contract understood by you both (or should be). You can switch and change all you want financially and professionally and household chores, but for play/sex/lifestyle someone is directing an the other one is following. But as well all know, leader cannot be such without followers, and those followers must be willing, either by motivation or gain. She will still be herself and in charge of other parts of the world and household, but you both have to understand AND agree that it is for this intimate aspect of you life you are defining your roles, expectation, duties and obligation, but also with you explicit or implicit rewards.

Indeed, sometimes it is good to learn how to follow to be a leader; however in this case you bot already know how to switch dominant roles in different aspects of your life (or so I understand from your letter). So the point here is to allow yourself to be in charge and for her to admit to follow you in this fun exploration. Maybe the motivator here for her is to show her what does she earn from being a good follower. Maybe there is more sharing of fantasies need to be exchanged  between you two. If she indicated she want to be submissive and you expressed you want to be dominant, there should be plenty of middle ground to play. But definition of what is Dom or Sub, varies between each couple. So talk about it, read more, exercise your fantasies and you will see the possibilities. It is not a one way street, and will take some reading/learning perhaps on both of you. But the rewards can be substantial.

There are many good book in Amazon regarding BDSM these days, as well as sites. But it all starts within your own mindset and attitude. As well as hers. Also perhaps there are local organization is BDSm if you live near to a larger city, many members could coach you a bit. And also BDSM adult Forum sites, with blogs and Bulleting boards by members.

The question, I felt was a bit general, but I hope I answered your query. Best regards, and good luck.
Oscar G.