Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/2/2009

Question
in a few short days, He will be offering me a collar of consideration.  i am looking for some tangible token of my affection to offer to Him, as we are often apart for long periods of time. we are both fairly new to the lifestyle - this is a first D/s relationship for both of us - and are learning and growing together.  is there anything that would be considered appropriate and/or meaningful that would not overstep my bounds?  and in the same vein, should i be prepared to say anything to him when he presents me with this collar?

many thanks in advance for your help and insight.

Answer
Hello, cherishedpet,

My sense is you want to give your partner something special to let him know how much this means to you. That's a good way of looking at it, because there's no "rule" about what needs to happen in a situation like this. It's a very personal time and the partners can make of it whatever they want.

It looks like you have two options. One is to ask your partner if giving him a gift would be acceptable and, if so, to give you some guidelines. For instance, I don't allow my submissives to give me anything ostentatious or expensive. I tell them that early on, because there are women who try to exploit submissives. That doesn't often happen with male doms and female submissives, so, if you feel comfortable, your other option is to surprise him.

If you go the second route, I would suggest something simple that will remind him of you and your relationship. It doesn't have to be overtly BDSM unless you want it to be. So, if you've read together from a book you own, you could give him that book, inscribed. If there's a color he particularly likes on you, you could give him something in that color for himself. This isn't the time for an engraved iPod, it's the time for something that's personal to the two of you.

As for what you can say to him at the time, some couples make this time a sort of ceremony and decide ahead of time what they're going to say to each other. To me, that requires both people working together, to make things cohesive. After all, if he plans to just ask a simple question, you don't want to respond with an emotional speech. If the two of would prefer not to plan together, then think of one or two things it's important for you to say to him and memorize the things, only so you don't forget them. You can work on some phrasing that you might use but don't put pressure on yourself by trying to have something totally prepared. When the time comes, say what's in your heart. My sense is that will be better than anything else.

My best wishes to you both.

Mistress Violette