Expert: Eirene Nayar - 10/22/2009

Question
 I hope I am asking the correct person, and if I haven't, I apologize.  Currently I am a submissive in an online D/S relationship in a sort of virtual world, and am also Dommed on occassion by my husband.  My online relationship with my Master has begun to sour for me.  In the beginning he was very patient, loving, and caring.  He respected my limits as I did his.  As of late, he has been very patronizing towards me, making me feel inadequate and as if I am just a child who can't do things for herself.  He doesn't put as much heart into his scenes anymore, and instead uses our time together to pry into my emotional state and make me tell him secrets that I am uncomfortable with sharing.  I feel conflicted as to what I should do.  I am unhappy, but at my level of submission and loyalty, I am unable to speak up for myself and tend to just let him hurt me emotionally.  I am also afraid to leave because I used to be in 24/7 DS with my husband(he is a switch), but as of late, his submissive nature has been more strong, making him unable to be the Dom he used to be.  I fear not having a Dom, not having that comfort zone, and feeling alone.  Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do in this situation?

Answer
Hello Bri,

The first thing I want to say is I am so sorry you are hurting this way.  A healthy D/s relationship actually feels good emotionally not bad.  Even through the intensity of the relationship, the basis is compassion.  Emotions can and do fluctuate within a relationship over time but if it’s a constant sense of hurt or fear or depression, then it has crossed the line I believe to bordering on abuse.

I absolutely understand that fear of being alone without a Dominant.  Submissives crave that sense of belonging of being owned and controlled.  So that feeling of being lost *is* going to be a huge factor.  None of your feelings are wrong or bad.  However just let me say when something feels this bad, that it is a warning sign that this relationship may not be the best one for you. Let me be clear “real” emotional pain can and does happen within the confines of a make believe world, crushingly real.

My Master and I met in a virtual online world.  I was his slave for two years before we took the next step to real life.  He was not my first Master, even though he is my last one *smiles*, so I do understand the vast array of emotional fallout that happens when a D/s relationship fails.  
If you feel that it is not possible to discuss these things with him then my suggestion is to seek counsel from another dominant you trust.  It can be extremely validating and or give you a fresh perspective.  It may be that your Dom is as unhappy as you are but regardless right now…this really is all about you.

If you know a Dominant real life that you can speak with do that.  Within the virtual world that my Master and I frequent there are real BDSM groups with real dominants and real slaves.  I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that this is so for you.  My suggestion is this… first, to take a time out and breathe and ask yourself if you feel it’s possible to approach your Dom and talk about things.  

If you feel you cannot then I suggest that you seek out an owner/moderator of a BDSM group within the virtual world.  Talking with this dominant may be all you need to be able to approach your own Dom.  If it happens that in thinking and talking about your situation you feel that it is no longer a viable living entity that it no longer fills that part of you that begs submission with a sense of peace and well being.  Then begging your release may be the final option.  This should be done in his on line presence with or without the outside dominant present.

The D/s relationship is a sacred one.  A delicate balance for both involved.  It is however ok to admit that you have given it all you can and that now only pain and heartache remain to the extent that you see no way to resolve it.

I wish you well Bri, and I do hope that my answer has helped.  Feel free to contact me again if you need to.