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About Lady Aryana
Expertise
Fem Dom relationships, Male Dom/fem slave, Master/slave relationships M/f, F/f, Long Distance relationships, Leather community, Old Guard, Victorn Lifestyle, BDSM play, Community support, Full time slavery and submission *living together, and how to adjust, protocols, and so forth. Email groups for help with finding others in your area. HOH or DD relationships. I was collared to my Master, then we married Sept 25 2003. I am no longer in a relationship with him, although as D/s has always been a part of me I am still active in looking for a relationship either DD or D/s, or simply learning more in order to help others.

Experience
I have been in long distance relationship that were D/s relationships. I have owned both male and female slaves/submissive, I have been both a real time slave, submissive, and submissive wife. I am not in a committed relationship at the moment although I am in a DD based relationship which has a very strong sense of D/s although it is NON sexual. I am not collared, and I still am always on the look for others to play with around me, and at the moment I have to male slaves who would like to submit. Simply haven't had the time or place to do that yet. I know many egroups who can offer support. I have been active in the BDSM community and a DM for play parties. I have been active for the last 22 yrs in BDSM in one way or another

Organizations
I was active in the GA community when I lived there. I belong to the local BDSM community in AL, Belong to PEP, and other BDSM clubs over the yrs.

Publications
Egroups, Blogs, Journals, And some story writings.

Education/Credentials
Have taken work shops for different BDSM events. Attended SELF given demo's, Been a DM for play parties and private and public clubs. Attending gathering of both D/s, Spanking lifestyles. I have been active in HOH and DD relationships. I was active in the leather community while living in GA. I was trained Victorian and Old Guard. I have trained both Master's and Mistress' along with slaves in the yrs I have been in BDSM.

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > BDSM > BDSM > Mental Dominance

BDSM - Mental Dominance

Expert: Lady Aryana - 10/24/2009

Question
Greetings,

I am currently involved in a long-distance relationship that has bondage aspects as well as part-time D/s sessions. During these sessions, she calls me Master/Sir and uses a very submissive manner of speech. Her speaking this way is a huge thrill, and it is very powerful and arousing for me (I love it).

I highly respect her total submission to me - it's something I would never want to abuse, intentionally or otherwise. I also want to give her pleasure through the carrying out of my instructions, but I find myself unsure of what instructions I should give her. I want the tasks I assign her to be slightly outside her comfort zone, but not too easy or too hard to fulfill. I want to give her the same sort of excitement she gives me.

The physical side of bondage and sensations/pleasure/pain comes easily to me, it's the mental aspects of being a Dom I want help with. In other words, when she's tied up I know exactly what to do, but when she's unrestrained and asking for instructions I'm much less sure of myself. She can't serve me until she knows what I want, and I want her to experience pleasure, but am unsure how to give her that pleasure. I'm a very empathetic person, and I don't want to give her bad instruction.

My question is, how can I be a better Dominant to her submissiveness outside of bondage?

Answer
John,

First off, remember that during these times, anything that you have her do for you, be it clean the bathroom floor to research for a dinner is service to you.. So she is being submissive to you outside of bondage no matter what she is doing if you instruct her to do something..

Also, mental D/s no matter if it's Long distance or living together is hard no matter what anyway says. So let me suggest you do some reading, and when I mean reading I mean reading in which you can learn alot from.. I have read all these books, and I found that I learned more from then then I did from just talking to others.. I got into the minds and understood what the people where trying to tell me finally..

Screw the roses, send me the thorns

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame

Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy

Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph W. Bean

Here are some web sites I suggest you read, although remember sites will give you what one person thinks is correct, by no means does it mean it's law, remember BDSM is about Safe, sane, and consensual..

http://www.bestslavetraining.com/Behavior.htm

http://www.gloria-brame.com/

http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/BDSMinfo/training.htm

http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm

http://rainbowrope.com/howto/

http://www.leatherpage.com/index.html You want to sign up for Jack Rinella Emails.. Though he is Gay he writes for everyone and offers wonderful advice..

http://www.newagequest.com/dsindex.html

From the sounds of it, this is something new for you, you did not say if you two where planning on meeting or not.. If you are, you will find that once you do meet that the mental will be a little easier once you part, although at the same time, you will also find she will be alot more emotional then what she was before.. *speaking from experience here*

You call your times D/s sessions, Let me ask you this.. Does this mean that you only have a D/s relationship when you put her in during certain times? If not, then let me suggest this, have her start making changes.. Like, when she comes home, changes into something she would wear if she were to be walking into your home. *A skirt, a dress, no clothes if she doesn't have kids, maybe send her a collar she can put on when she walks in the door* Have her change dish washing soap, laundry soap, toilet paper, set her a bed time, kneeling before bed, when she gets up in the morning, control her play times, does she have to ask permission to cum, ect...

All these things are mental for her, does she have to write you a journal, does she have to watch her mouth *Some Master/Doms do not like slaves/sumissives who have a sailors mouth* Just take a little time to think about how you would have her act if she were there with you and then have her act the same way while she is at home.. I know some girls, who may not sit on a chair while talking to their owners.. Others have to call them as soon as they get home, or before they go to bed or when they get up every morning.. It may seem like alot, but once you figure out just what amount of mental you want to control it wont be much really, and before you know it, you will be adding more and more, or you will find she will be asking for you to take more and more control

Good luck

Lady Aryana

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