Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/6/2009

Question
Hi, thanks for taking time to answer my question. I am new to being submissive, the only experiences I've had so far have been online, and predominately with one man. He was my first experience, although we never did anything physical together because of the distance between us. Anyways, we recently ended things, well, he did. This was a few months ago and I think I'm ready to get back into the lifestyle and start looking for a new Dominant. I'm young though, I mean, I'm legal, so not too young, but young/new to the lifestyle and pretty shy; so I was just wondering if you had any advice on safe/non-scary ways to meet new people who are into the same things as me.
Thanks again for answering :)
-Bella.

Answer
Hello, Bella,

It's a pleasure to answer your question.

You said you wanted to meet "people" rather than "a dominant," which is very smart. I've found that when you have a very narrow goal you set yourself up to miss a lot of valuable people and information. It's a good idea to look for friends rather than a partner, especially for someone new to BDSM. There's a lot to learn and, by not restricting yourself to learning from just one or a few, you open yourself to numerous possibilities. Often, those possibilities can lead you to someone who will become important in your life.

Even if you'd said you wanted a dominant, I wouldn't advise investing a lot of time or emotion in BDSM dating sites. There are a number of people who find BDSM a fun fantasy but would never practice it. Many of these folks gravitate to dating sites (and chat rooms/channels) because they can safely play act, which is all they intend to do. You might try one of these places when you're more knowledgeable and experienced but they're probably not the best route for you to go right now.

My suggestion is that you join a group. Search for BDSM support groups in your area. People Exchanging Power (PEP) and the Society of Janus, for instance, are established groups that provide education to newcomers. There are many similar local groups. If you're not comfortable meeting in person right away, a lot of groups that meet offline also have an online presence. If there's a discussion group, you can read, learn and join in when you feel comfortable. That will let you get to know people a bit before you meet in person.

It's great to become acquainted with all sorts of BDSM people, no matter the gender or persuasion. You'll learn as much from other submissives and female dominants as you will male doms. Plus, people have friends and one of those friends might turn out to be exactly right for you.

You're continuing on an exciting journey, Bella. I wish you the best in your travels.

Mistress Violette