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BDSM - Sub drop help !!!

Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/26/2009

Question
I really need some advice.

I have just come back to the BDSM scence after a few years abscence, i am a sub and have had a number of Masters/Doms, and am quite "well trained". Rather than entering it alone as a sub I bought my life partner back in with me (she has always found the scence interesting and titalating), She has a dominant personality and we had begun to explore playing together in D/s but it wasn't really working for either of us alone, she knew she need more training and experience and in some ways i knew i needed a man, so we went online and put an ad in for a Master to D/s me and at the same time train my partner to a Mistress standard.

We found an experienced Dom who was more than happy to do this, he escalted contact quickly and i was getting all the right signals from him, saying and doing all the right things, SSC, aftercare, how it would work, praise, interest etc.. I have had both expectional, okay and crap experiences in the past and thought i could really pick what i needed to watch for in a sadistic / wrong master.

After conversations and his agreement that i would D/s with him and my partner would essentially watch / be taught as a top, we then went to a task, that would last the entire day before we meet for the first time. It was full body waxing following by 9 hours of an object being inserted inside me. The first one to fours hours were fine, yes there was pain but there was contact and what appeared to be concern for me, through direct contact with me and through contact through my partner, but as it got to 7 hours i started to feel uncomfortable, and concerned (fitting the wall so to say), he only wanted contact if it was true emergency. At the end of the task, i contacted him to let him know that it was done and sent him my detailed report via email, which included a step by step description of the day as well feelings etc... I was very explict in it that it was fine until he stopped making contact, and i also let him know that i had "fallen" under his spell and that i was very eager to be with him (which i have / had - my head and heart are pulling different directions still).

He did not make contact until the next morning, I could not sleep all night, i sent him another text to say the task was complete did he get the text, nothing came back. My partner saw my changed state, crying, my muscles in my legs were shaking, highly irratable, I was not in a good place, she tried everything, but i calmed myself down after a while, but could not sleep, thinging I had disappointed him. The next morning when he initatived the meeting, he said nothing about the task, no after care, no ending, then at the meeting threw out the window everything we had dicussed before hand, the biggest was he wanted my partner to submit to him totally to. He had also agreed all meeting / play in hotels. He also said at this meeting no safe words, my partner wanted out, but i pushed for her to stay on, just to try it this once ( i don't know why i did, all of this would normally have sent me running - but with a couple of days hindsight - i was still in the scene from the day before still submitting to him). I couldn't say no. I couldn't phsycially leave him, despite the fact he had still not touched me at all.
He then told us we were going to play then, he took us down a very steep hill ( I am BBW and not an outdoor person - which he knew). He went ahead taking my partner with him, leaving me to terserve the moutain by myself, i felt he had no control on the situation at all, or concern for me, but yet i still followed him. When I finally got down, legs burning in pain he told me to sit and watch as my partner blew him, he did not touch me once but was directing fairly firmly with his hand my partner. I sucked him, but only a little, and the whole thing, no touching, no praise, he changed the rules during etc... once again everything that has seen me walk from D/s rels before. But i couldn't. He then left, with my partner again allowing me by myself to get back up the mountain. by the time i got the top, he asked me if i was okay, I said no sir. He looked blankly at me, told me to get in the car, and took as back to our car and dropped us off and left, saying he would contact us soon about our next meeting. (which now another 24hrs later he still has not and i still find myself wanting the contact)

I knew my partner was so desperate to get out actually not to even try anything with him after particualy no safe words and her having to submit. Even after he left us, and i wanted to get out, i wanted to send a text with we are out or something similar, i was phyiscal and phyogoical unable to send the text, and still can't, i am for some reason completely unable to do it. and i know i have walked from things like this in the past.

Normally i am confident, strong, intellegnet, in charge (essentially an alpha female). I haven't been able to sleep since he escalted the whole thing on Friday (now 3 days). I am doubting myself completely and how could i have got him so wrong, the fact that i put myself in some serious physical (and emotional danger and well as my partner). The fact I was willing to not have a safe word rule with him, i was more than prepared to throw away ever bit of me for him with him giving me nothing back. I know that he was in it purely for himself and had no concern for his sub, but knowing and working through this all in my mind combined with the sevre pain in my leg and back pain from the hill climb ( my partner took me to the Dr yesterday who said I have done some serious soft tissue and ligimate damage - which i could not feel myself doing at the time)

I am now in a horrible state, I can't concetrate, haven't eaten, i am being overly emotional ( i am not usually emotional), and i know that if i contact him and he does do something that will make it better that i will have a desire and i might ( even against all better judgement) go back to him (whihc i know i do not want and would be extermly bad). so what i have read about telling the dom what you are experienceing would not work to help me get out of this sub drop. My partner has tried having sex / scencing with me and we have talked heaps but it hasn't changed anything, she couldn't make me cum, my mind wasn't there, she had NEVER had this trouble with me before, but i not in a good head space and desperatly need some advice from an experience Dom about what i / we can do to move past this most horrific sub drop.

I would truely some ideas or assistance in what I can do to get through this.

Truely thank you for any advice.

Answer
Hello, Annabel,

This doesn't sound like sub drop to me. It seems more like the after effects of trauma. This man took advantage of you and your partner and abused you. It's effecting you more than it does your partner because of your connection with this man. You trusted him and he betrayed you. It's no wonder you're shaken by finding out the truth about him.

Do you still know people in the scene? If not, see if there's an offline group in your area that offers support or if there's a kink friendly therapist near you. You could benefit by talking with people who have been through the same thing or someone who understands crisis intervention. If you can't find either of these, link up with a vanilla therapist or support group and don't dwell on the power exchange aspects when you tell your story. After all, this was manipulation in the guise of BDSM, not BDSM.

Please understand, none of this is your fault. This man tricked you. He may be someone who thinks this is what BDSM is or he may have just used it as an excuse. Regardless, he's not someone you with whom you should make contact. He won't help because he probably believes he did nothing wrong. But he did and he was very skillful. Don't be hard on yourself for being taken in; he worked hard to do that. If you can cut yourself some slack you can begin to heal from the real problem, his behavior, not yours.

You might want to consider not having sex or scenes for a while. It's a good idea to try to build up some good memories so you don't dwell on the bad ones but that doesn't seem to be working. Instead, just let your partner continue to be loving and accepting of you as a person, rather than as dom and sub.

I would also suggest that your partner doesn't need anyone to teach her to be dominant. Getting involved with a BDSM support group or doing research on her own will give her all the information she needs. Then the two of you can explore play together safely or, if you get involved with a group, with people you met first as friends.

I'm sorry this happened to you, Annabel. It was an ugly experience and it's ok to be mad, sad and other things in between. You can get over it, though, once you understand that it's a result of someone else's failings and not your own. Good luck to you and your partner.

Mistress Violette

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