Expert: awhitecloud - 10/24/2009

Question
Hello,
About 10 months ago I entered my first bdsm relationship as a sub - with my then boyfriend of several months.  He was interested in the lifestyle, we talked about it, i did a lot of research, and eventually our relationship turned in that direction.  We were a vanilla couple prior to this - and had a full relationship, but the intimacy and trust involved here magnified the intensity, trust, and intimacy.

A few months ago I had some medical problems, which in truth had been there unbeknownst to me at the beginning of our relationship.  It just became worse and slowly I became more and more depressed.  It took its toll on our relationship, I became rather needy, and he ended the relationship about 2 months ago.

Since then, he has kept in regular contact - usually initiated by a text message.  We have had several very good sessions, went to a hockey game together, and have done some other day-to-day things together, including getting our children together to play.  At times he is very distant. Other times it feels like nothing has changed.  However, he has made it clear that we are NOT together and that while he has not become involved with anyone else he looks - both vanilla and bdsm.

This is taking its toll on me - emotionally.  I have tried to cut off contact, but somehow end up responding - but rarely initiating.  Within the past few days he has told me he loves me several times, has been referring to me by his pet name for me - but says right now he needs to figure out if this is all worth it to him - that he needs to feel those dynamics will not return.  

What is different you might ask?  I had surgery to correct the medical issues, I am no longer in chronic pain nor is the related depression there, I've physically gotten back into shape because I can do physical activity, and I've returned to the independent, strong woman that I am - but now with this new discovery of my truly submissive side - wants, desires, cravings and all.

He says he sees these things in me - but needs to come to that realization on his own.

Any guidance or suggestions as to how I handle this?  What do I do about contact?  I have been good about not initiating, but more specifically what do I do when he contacts me?  Is it simply time to move on....?

Thank you in advance,
-L

Answer
I would say to stop pushing it give him the time that he needs...work on things together, and see what happens.  In the end it might not work out and know this well you are working with him now.

Wounds take time to heal and some are very slow to heal.

And if he contacts you I would talk with him and see where it goes...if on the other hand you do not want to be with him...you need to say so and brake it off with him and just move on.

sorry I can not be more help in this.

awhitecloud