Expert: Lady Aryana - 10/4/2009

Question
it took awhile but my wife finally opened up to me that she is interested in trying the bdsm lifestyle i have done this before but only with girlfriends once i was dom but for the most part i was sub (and loved it) and she says she wants to be dom but she wants to be sub once or twice to see if she likes that more but she says to be gentle now don't get me wrong i do know were to find the line between bdsm and abuse but i am kind of rough when it comes to this sort of thing is there such a thing as gentle bdsm and if there is were do i research it because i would love to show her both sides of the fence (secretly i hope she become a great dom but i wont mind if she decides on sub either) with out hurting her my favorite kind is basic punching kicking scratching whipping mind f#cking and so forth but i don't want her to get the idea that my personal way is the only way please help

Answer
Jordan,

You can be gentle when it comes to BDSM... Go out and get some feathers, or a nice dear skin flogger.. You dont need to hit hard to start out with, you will find that the longer you work at working up to harder and harder the bottom wont even realize that they are begging for you to use them harder.. Once they get used to a dear skin flogger, or a hand spanking, you can move up to a heavier flogger, again you need not use your full strength at first, just start out slow, its called a warm up, once they are warmed up, give a few strikes which are a bit harder, then caress them with your hand, or get a rabbit fur and rub that over the skin..

You can also learn how to engaged in BDSM by reading, and I suggest

I would start by reading, and alot of it..

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle  by Jack Rinella and Joseph W. Bean

Screw the roses, send me the thorns

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame

Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy

Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph W. Bean


Here are some web sites I suggest you read, although remember sites will give you what one person thinks is correct, by no means does it mean it's law, remember BDSM is about Safe, sane, and consensual..

http://www.bestslavetraining.com/Behavior.htm

http://www.gloria-brame.com/

http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/BDSMinfo/training.htm

http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm

http://rainbowrope.com/howto/

http://www.leatherpage.com/index.html  You want to sign up for Jack Rinella Emails.. Though he is Gay he writes for everyone and offers wonderful advice..

http://www.newagequest.com/dsindex.html

You are right, your way is not the right way, she will have to learn what is right for her and if decides she wants to do things her way, allow her to figure out what she is comfy with for now before pushing her..

I would suggest you get her these books,, They might help her figure out alot more when it comes to what she needs to learn

The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance

The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women

Good luck,,

And sorry it has taken me so long, I have been having internet issues.