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BDSM - Over-reaction?

Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/23/2009

Question
Dear Mistress Violette,

I feel that my problem is somewhat complex but will try to keep it simple.

I am a gay submissive male six months into a relationship with a dominant male. I met my partner via an website dedicated to M/s contacts. I had never tried D/s or M/s previously but the concepts had always interested me and still do. When we got in contact the first time we discussed what our interests were, and it was a pretty standard list of basic kink, with no mention of anything "full on" or any suggestion of D/s relationships or 24/7. We started off in the same way most relationships start - romance etc - while still talking about things we wanted to try. I was a complete beginner with little knowledge of 24/7 arrangements or any kind of D/s relationship that wasn't just temporary role playing. My partner said he was just the same, although he had tried "one or two things" and only "a couple of times".

As I got to know more about my partner I found that he had (has) a huge number of contacts both on the web and apparently in his mobile phone that are involved in D/s and puppy play and harder things. I noticed that after I mentioned this he became more "discreet" with his web use, and started text-messaging a lot more instead of talking to the many people who seem to contact him but remain un-named. He seems to become defensive when I ask him simple things like "who was that?".

Moreover, One of the first things we did when we started getting intimate was to suggest I wear a collar. I liked the idea but at the time didn't understand the significance of this item, and when I asked him how it turned him on he said that it just looked sexy, nothing more. I realise now, with hindsight, that he has gradually and seemingly innocently introduced aspects of a M/s relationship to me on the premise that it is just "harmless fun and means nothing". We have been sharing a house for over a month now and I notice that I am paying most of the daily expenses and all of the rent. He seems to use my money as his own and I find myself having to ask for my cash so I can get to work and buy food - He only ever gives me as much as I need.

I suppose what I am getting at is that he seems to be pushing me towards what I now understand to be a 24/7 D/s relationship but not in an obvious or transparent way. I sometimes feel as though I am being mentally manipulated as when I disagree or express concern about something he wants me to do he tends to become terse or ignores me.

I love this guy so much, and I hope I'm just over-reacting but the evidence suggests that he is a lot more experienced in dominance and control than he seems to want to admit. Six months after meeting him, I am living with him in a house I am paying the rent on in which all the furniture is his, he decides when we go places and how we run the house but I always seem to be the one paying for it. In hindsight, I can see how everything that is mine is being slowly taken away and when I bring it up and tends to act as though it's my fault and I've disappointed him.

Is this what it is supposed to be like or am I just paranoid?

I would really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this issue and how I might be able to save my relationship with a man who is in most ways the greatest guy I've ever known.

Thanks

Brad

Answer
Hello, Brad,

You're not at all paranoid; this isn't what it's supposed to be like. The watchwords in BDSM are "safe, sane and consensual." It make sense to introduce BDSM to a newcomer gradually but it has to be done with his knowledge and consent. Even people who have non consensual aspects to their relationships make an agreement that this can happen.

My guess is your partner thinks what he is doing is clever and high level BDSM. There are those who think it's ok to skillfully manipulate an unsuspecting person. To me, that's wrong on more than one level. It takes advantage of trust, which is the antithesis of what BDSM is about, plus it's not the act of a loving partner. There are skilled dominants who can influence submissives. The trick is, the submissives know they are trying to do that and they're still able to do it. What your partner is doing is playing on your love for him and lack of knowledge of BDSM. It's not skill at all; it's using someone.

A BDSM relationship is negotiated. That includes defining not just play but also the areas in which the dominant will have all, some and no control over the submissive. There are relationships in which the submissive contributes to, or maintains, the household financially. As long as both partners understood this and agreed to it before it happened, that's fine. If not, it's exploitation.

Whether a relationship is vanilla or BDSM, becoming terse or distant is not appropriate, nor is blaming and dishonesty. It's controlling, and in a bad way. BDSM is negotiated power exchange and control exercised in a safe, healthy way. It's based on trust that is earned by being trustworthy, on both sides, and facilitated by communication. When this doesn't happen, the relationship skirts, and sometimes crosses, the line into abuse.

There are people who do BDSM inappropriately because they don't know any better and those who use it as an excuse to behave badly in relationships. Before you go too much further, you might want to give some thought to which of these your partner is. That will tell you if it's worth making the effort to get this relationship on a track that's safe and comfortable for you. If he really is the greatest guy you've ever known, he'll listen to your concerns and work with you to make things right.

Good luck to you, Brad.

Mistress Violette

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