Expert: Lady Aryana - 11/8/2009

Question
Good morning Lady Aryana,
I'm 49, very vanilla, very Alpha male, involved with an East Indian woman 44.
We have been together now for nearly a year, both have two children and are considering living together, we have a very loving and very very good physical relationship, over the last few months my partner has told me she has very strong leanings towards being a Domme.
Her interest being obedience, posssibly whips, etc
She has been experimenting on line. The way she describes the feeling of the Domme experience is an ache in her groin, which I know for her is a very sexual feeling.
  I am just starting to read and understand what this is all about and what it could mean for our relationship.
From your experience and from other couples you know can a Domme and vanilla relationship survive or will the vanilla physical relationship eventually not be sufficient for the Domme, ie for the sex to be fullfilling the Domme will need the sub foreplay first or am I mixing up two different feelings ?

    Also with a Domme and the males subs, can it lead to sexual  contact or with a true Domme is this never never event.

    I should say that I guess I will be willing to try some things for my partner, but because I'm not a sub and as I say a very Alpha male, would this be valueless for her because at the end of the day I would only be acting it out for her.

Thanks for reading this Lady Aryana

Graham  

Answer
Graham,

This is a hard one, not cause its something that causes issues but it really comes down to how much the two of you love each other.. There are many Alpha Males and Female Dommes who are married and have a happy relationship where the Male does not submit to the Wife.. What does happen though is that they do love each other enough that the male allows her to find someone to play with, be it sexual or not, this depends on the couple.

Now not all F/m D/s relationships are sexual.. I owned a male slave for six yrs almost, and we were never sexual. I did however control his sex drive, and he knew I had sex with other women, and men.. *No he was not my husband well this one was not* One of my common law husband was my slave for many yrs, and he also knew I had relationships outside of our marriage. The difference between you and I, was when I had relationships out side the marriage, I was submissive, yet my husband was submissive to me.

If your wife thinks she can handle the S&M in a relationship, then she can take on a play thing, enjoy what she does, and then come home, and you will get the reward of her playing.. Although I will have to say, yes I do think that you submitting to her simply to make her happy will be valueless at the end of the day, and at some time, end up causing resentment in the relationship. Most Dominates want someone who actually enjoys submission, they find the reward much more rewarding, and there is nothing like it then to know that the person you are playing with is getting just as much enjoyment out of what ever it is you are doing to them. It's not any different then your wife asking you to take her shopping, and she knows you hate going, but do it just to make her happy.. After a while, she will feel the resentment in you while you are out, and simply wish you had stayed home, cause shes not enjoying herself as much as she could be.

There is also another situation you might be able to look into.. Is your wife Bi or at least do you think she would enjoy playing with a female, someone you both could play with? This way you could also get involved in what is going on, and be there if nothing else to simply watch. I mention another female, although alot of male submissives/slaves have a strong desire to watch their Mistress with another man, and then take care of the *Clean* up after they are done having sex. Not sure how you would feel about having another male in the room while you have sex with your wife, but this could be another area you could both explore. You do not have to be sexual with this male, but he would be responsibility for cleaning up both you and your wife, while he isn't allowed to release. This happen often in a F/m relationship so as I said this is another area you could explore.

If I were you I would sit down, and talk to your wife, find out just what she expects when it comes to a relationship outside the marriage.. Is she looking for someone to play with, will she want to have sex or will it be a non sexual relationship and you will be the one to fill those needs after she is done playing? All these questions plus more are things you need to talk about.. Is she looking for someone daily, weekly, bi weekly, monthly? You might find that she only needs to release these desires once in a while, and if she finds someone whom she can play with bi weekly or monthly that she will be content with what she has, and your marriage will be stronger and alot more happier.. Vanilla or not, you will find that as long as your willing to talk about it, and try to figure out a means to a end where you both can get something out of it, and still take into consideration each others feelings, and be able to allow each other to meet each others needs, your relationship will continue to grow and bloom..

Good luck

Lady Aryana