Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/25/2009

Question
This is a copy of a question I was asked just recently... I have tried answering as best I can.. but I am still reletively new to the BDSM scene.. and while I understand intellectually the thoughts behind collering.. I personally have not collered anyone so don't have first hand knowledge about the emotions involved in it... My friend is confused and upset.. this girl has led him a wild chase and is stringing him along emotionally.  Below is what he asked me: Hi there...I have to ask you a question. My old playmate has just came out as being 'owned'...and I don't know how to react. To me the word 'owned' has so many bad connotations...but according to her it is different. Please, what is your ideas on this. How do you feel about 'being owned'? Thanks.
*** Any anweres you can give me that will help him.. and give me more of an idea of what it means to be collered as well... I would be grateful.. Thank you
Pheonix Rising

Answer
Hello, Kim,

As with many things in BDSM, there is no "standard" definition of being owned or collared. There are some similar ideas but what these actually mean to any pair or group of people depends on the dynamic of the specific relationship. I'm going to give you a general idea but please understand there's enough variation that asking people what something means to them is often a good idea.

To be clear, I use the words "submissive" and "slave" as synonyms. Others don't and they believe only a slave can be owned. It's not slavery or ownership in the true sense of the words, of course, because that can't legally happen. Many people want to get as close as possible, though.

In the BDSM context, being owned means just what you think it does, the submissive belongs to the dominant. After negotiation, the dominant has complete, or almost complete, control of the submissive. The form this control takes depends on the relationship. Some dominants, with the submissive's permission, treat the submissive like property, with no decision making power. Others give the submissive a great deal of freedom to make decisions. The actual amount of control allowed to the submissive isn't what's important; it's that the dominant has complete control. regardless of how much she opts to exercise it. Many BDSM relationships work this way already. For some people, adding the element of "ownership" underscores the dynamic.

To many people, collaring is a symbol similar to a wedding ring. It's an acknowledge and expression of people's commitment to each other as dominant and submissive. To others, it simply means that a BDSM relationship exists.

Both ideas imply exclusivity. If your friend's playmate considers herself owned yet still plays with others, I guess I'd want to be sure the person who owns her is on board with this. Of course, it's possible she means something different than most when she uses the term. If so, she needs to be prepared for a lot of confusion.

The emotions involved, on both sides, are unique to the people in the relationship. They can include many things, from pride to sense of accomplishment to love. The best way for you to understand them is to imagine being in the situation and then being aware of how it makes you feel.

I hope I've given you at least food for thought, Kim. Good luck to you and your friend on your journeys.

Mistress Violette