Expert: Lady Aryana - 11/5/2009

Question
This question is going to be hard for me to write simply because it's difficult for me to explain what the problem is and it's probably going to take some back story. Plus I don't even know what I'm asking for really.

Let's see here. I'm in my early thirties. I've had several long term monogamous relationships. Mostly with men who really weren't too into bdsm. A couple who were sort of humoring me and would play a little, and one that I believe was into it but was more of a natural switch and could pretty much take it or leave it. Basically enjoyed it, but "vanilla" sex just as well.  

I have always had had bsdm fantasies (since my teen years) and have pretty much enjoyed every encounter with it in the past, flirted with a couple online relationships of that nature, went to a couple dungeon parties (where I mostly watched), watched a fair amount of bdsm porn. Read bsdm erotica, etc. I even wrote some while I was in high school.  So yes, I knew it was arousing to me.

So, I've been with the same man for nearly four years now. We met on alt.com through a mutual interest in bdsm but had lots of other things in common too.  We were slightly long distance at first, living in nearly by cities.  At first it seemed like a dream come true, we would visit each other every weekend (as we both had weekday – day jobs at the time).  The sex was fantastic and I was really into being submissive and nothing we ever did bothered me... I have a high pain tolerance when aroused.  That went on for about six months when he bought a house and we decided to move in together.   

After I moved in things changed.  I seriously love this man to death.  Yes, like (almost) every love relationship it is partially about sex for me, but it's a lot more about who he is and the rest of our relationship and our time together.  He's encouraged me to pursue the career of my choice (which required yet more schooling).  So shortly after we bought a house together I returned to school for a masters and am currently working two part-time jobs, in addition to school.  

Here's the problem.  He's a fairly demanding dominant.  Not unreasonably so, but I'm not really a natural submissive (whatever that is).  I'm into (relatively mild) pain and rough sex in real life (where my fantasies delve into a more hardcore realm).  I enjoy being tied up, and so light pain play but it's a challenge for me to behave submissively.  I was definitely more submissive in my younger years though as I've grown more confident in my life some of that has gone away.  

A fair amount of issues surround when we're going to play and my attitude about certain things.  I'm not very good at communicating during play (when I'm frustrated about something hurting me or being too much I'm not very good at verbalizing it in a submissive way).   And if I express something wrongly it really turns him off and general ends the session with us both frustrated and mad.  Nor am I consistent in what arouses me, as lots of it depends on how aroused I am already.  For example... nipple clamps ten minutes in makes me feel like I want to hit someone... when I'm more aroused I like it.  I'm not that willing to try new things.

I do realize a lot of this is my issue, but I really don't know what to do.  I feel like I deceived him at the beginning of our relationship because I was so into it.  I was NOT faking it, between the excitement of being in a new love relationship, the anticipation that built up over the week, and the fact I was able to act out something I'd wanted for a long time made it all great at the beginning.  As real life started to affect us my desire for it became less, and every time we had an issue it reduces my desire to try again even though I know it's what he wants.  

Since I'm so busy with work/school and the things I am active with in the community (like my (non-xian) church and a club (generally one night a week and Sunday morning) - that I mainly joined to help me make new friends here since I had been living in my prior city for 10 years) he was frustrated with how much time I am spending at home.  We tried setting aside a specific night of the week for play, but it's not really working as if I'm not in the correct mood it generally falls apart.

Now even though I feel it's what he needs to be happy, it's actually starting to become a turn off.  The ideas still arouse me, but I'm so nervous about the execution that it prevents me from getting aroused much at all.  It's a circular problem now because at this moment (even though I feel I am a fairly sexual person) I barely want to have sex at all.  He's currently angry with me over another session gone awry and even though we got engaged a few months ago, I feel like what brought us together will ultimately be our demise.  

I'm completely lost.  I want bdsm play to be fun again, but it's just stressful and frustrating.  I feel we have started building a life together and he's the person I want to get old with.  At the same time, while I am not feeling sexually unsatisfied, he clearly is.  We thought about him going outside of the relationship for another sub, but I'm really not sure if either one of could deal with that.

Any suggestions?  

Answer
Sara,

Sounds like you need to start journal your thoughts and feelings, allowing him to read them, and work with you to get past what is going on.. Have you talked to him like you just talked to me? If not I suggest you show him what you wrote me, and talk about it.

Also, planned nights don't work to much with many people, cause like with you, you may not be in the *mood* or you simply my be stressed over work and or school.. Personally I would suggest he change that to pick a night he knows your not stressed, and kinda surprise you, slowly working you back into the things you were into when you both first meet.. Being in your shoes at one times, we all go through a phase where we get so wrapped up in real life, that we slowly lose interest in what brought us together int he first place.. Problem is the desires are still there and we aren't sure how to express them.

I can tell you both love each other, and though this is not the correct thing to say but I suggest that you do not get married until you work out these problems, cause if you dont it will ruin your relationship in the long run, this is speaking from experience..

Another thing, and this might be even harder for him to accept, but maybe its time to back off of the M/s relationship, and maybe time to turn to DD instead.. As much as M/s has and the routine it takes, DD allows him to still be in control, but at the same time, you aren't having to be submissive to him at all times.. He can still spank you for when you break rules. and the rough sex can still be included..

Here are some links to give you some information on DD

http://www.domesticdisciplinedreams.blogspot.com/

http://marriage-bliss.blogspot.com/?zx=3bc88f1477da8e71

http://eroticstoriesblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/domestic-disciplinetpe-agreement.h...

As I said this gives him the right to maintain the power exchange but at the same time, helps you become less stressed, and you are able to slowly work back into being the submissive you were or want to be to him in the long run..

If things do not improve over time, then the whole marriage thing needs to be reconsidered.. Cause if you are not both happy now, getting married will simply make matters worse.. As I said speaking from experience there.

Also about bring in someone else, if you are not the jealous type, and he doesn't hide her from you this might be a way to get things back in order.. Gives you a chance to take a breather, but at the same time, you might find you enjoy watching or listening to what is going on, and you may end up either joining them or waiting until she leaves and ask him to please use you like he used her. Although as I said, this has to be something you are both willing to explore, and there can be no secrets between anyone.. Maybe you should find someone for him and bring her home as a surprise for him,, A birthday gift, a Christmas gift... Something for him to know you are wiling to try. Once its done, and if there turns out to be feelings of resentment, talk to him about it afterward and work on it from there.

I hope things work out for you, and really you need to sit down and write out how you feel, instead of taking it out on him, Even if he reads it later, this will allow you both to express how you feel but at the same time, give him a chance to figure out something that might work better next time..

Good luck

Lady Aryana