Expert: Robert Rubel - 11/19/2009

Question
my wife has a submissive personalty she likes to be tied up and is into light BDSM ...but we are haveing some difaculty she wants to be a submissive to me  ...but onlny on her terms at certan times in cetan places and so on is this realy a submisive person ????

Answer
Sean,

All relationships are different.  What works for you and your partner is what works.

What you're describing is what's called "scene-specific behavior."  That is, someone wants to be/do "X" only at a certain time (in the bedroom, at a wild party...).  

The "only on her terms" part of your question also makes sense.  She has to grow to trust that you will not hurt her (during the BDSM parts) and that you will respect her boundaries.  She's just exploring this way of being and is asking you to help out by taking her guidance.  Virtually all BDSM play starts out this way... the submissive controls the scene.

In BDSM, the submissive controls the scene because we play according to a set of rules called "SSC."  That stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual.  To play by SSC rules, we use a "color code."  Green, yellow, red.  Green is obvious -- everything is OK.  Yellow means "don't stop, but please back off a little, I need some time to process (understand/feel) what's going on.  Red means "stop this instant or I'll report you for abuse."  (Not exactly, but you get the idea.  If you don't stop on the RED, you'll break her trust in you.)

"... really submissive."  Most people are a little submissive and a little dominant -- what comes out relates to the situation.

Take the big barroom bully.  Works great until an FBI agent flashes a badge at him.  Wham! Submissive.  And the FBI agent?  Summoned into his supervisor's office.  Wham! Submissive.

Sure, that was a rather silly and extreme case.  But most people are sometimes dominant and sometimes submissive depending upon their reaction to the other person.  

Bottom line: you're doing great and your wife is trusting you to walk gingerly down the path to find out more about her likes and dislikes with BDSM.

Some books:

"Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns"  (best starter book out there, in my opinion)
"Sensual Magic" (stretches your imagination about what are called "play scenes" -- role playing

If you live in a city of any size at all, you probably have a group of folks who get together to learn how to do this stuff safely.  Try an Internet search with the name of your city and the term "BDSM" or "munch" in it.  A "munch" is a social get-together (usually over dinner at a restaurant) where like-minded folks get to know one another.

And -- there is LOTS of stuff on the Internet (some excellent and a bit fairly horrid).  

I discovered the world of BDSM when I was 56 (now 65).  Changed my life.  I never realized that there were so many ways to play with and to please women!  Wow!  You're blessed to have an inquisitive wife.

Best possible wishes,

Bob