Expert: Eirene Nayar - 11/1/2009

Question
Recently met a Dom who is married, wife is vanilla. He introduced me to the sub lifestlye. Realized I am VERY into it. All the "crazy" sexual thoughts and feeling I have had all my live I realize are not so "crazy." He has other subs. All are women and his expectations are no other men can be involved but the women can play with each other. I have experimneted to some extent in the past with women. It is not something that interests me but ultimatly I want to please him. The journry into this world has been exciting and I want to continue. It has made me more confident about myself. But I have asked that he let me come into my own with taking the step of having a sexual relationship with another woman. I am a bit selfconscious and am not ready for that yet. Am I wrong for asking that of him?

My other questions are about understanding this lifestlye. As I said he is married. I can handle that part.But is it the norm for a Dom to have multiple subs? I know I would be more content one Dom/ One sub. Because this is new to me I am having a bit of trouble knowing when to stop my personal feelings with him. I do get that it is only 'bedroom' play but am learning to seperate my feelings. I desire to be a sub but how do I know if I find the right Dom? This guy has had me explore so much already  that I keep wanting more.

Is there a differance between a slave and a sub? Is one 'looked down on' more than the other? He usually addresses me by c*nt, whore, slut, etc and I know he means well by it but then there are times he is in a bad mood (not because of me) and  he seems like he means it in a bad way. When do I know when he is being caring and 'abbusive'?  Fianlly, he is always asking me to send dirty pics. I do what he asks. I found out he has online accounts, is it right for me to ask him to discuss any pics he may put up of me? I do want to be a good sub. I'm just trying to figure out if I have the right Dom.

Answer
Hello Jen,

Thank you for your questions.  First of all welcome into a lifestyle that has so many rewards in store for you as you continue.  No you are *not* crazy for all the thoughts and feelings you have had your whole life.  The first thing I would like you to do is write down a “wish” list of the top 10 qualities you would like in a Dom.  It is not only okay to do this I think if I could make it a requirement for all slave/subs I would.  *smiles* .  Examine what qualities are important to you.  I will add at the bottom of this letter my own list so that it gives you an idea but remember each of us has very different needs and my list may be very different than yours.  

There is no standard on whether a Dom has 1 sub or 20.  Although I might question his sense of responsibility with anything over 2-3.  

Submission should make you feel good and better about yourself.  If it doesn’t then that is a warning flag.  Your submission is a gift and should be taken as such.  That submission is your choice to give and should never just be taken.

It is okay to ask your Dom questions and he should always know how you are feeling.  My worry is that you are making concessions that you might not otherwise make because you so much want to please this Dom.  If you are not happy in your service then it’s not a good match.  I am not saying that there are not down days but there should not be days after days when your stomach is in knots of worry and fear.  Your kinks and your Dom’s kinks should be close.  This is after all…all about service and pleasure from that service for both of you.

The difference between slaves and subs is a topic debated within the whole BDSM lifestyle.  I think of it as different levels of submission.  One is not better or worse than the other.  Calling yourself a slave I feel comes after a considerable length of time with one Dom.  As more and more control is given to that Dom.  I began my relationship with my Master as a submissive and now consider myself a 24/7 slave.  He controls every aspect of my life.  If by some horrible nightmare he were to release me I would once again be a submissive until someone earned that trust to allow me to express the deep need in me to relinquish all.

You term your Dom as abusive and angry at times.  Not good qualities in a Dom at all.  While there may be times when he is disappointed in you, anger and abusiveness should not ever be part of that.  Your service should lift you up not down.  Yes you will make mistakes and you will be punished for them but it should never ever ever be done in anger.  And those names he calls you…they cannot be both used as endearments and as punishments.  

As for the pictures I would discuss with him how they make me feel and if that was his intention for you.  I also wonder and worry how long you have known this Dom.  Be careful giving so much so soon in a relationship of which you are obviously unsure at the moment.

As I mentioned above, these are my answers to what i look for in a Dom..

What qualities or character traits does a Master need to have in order to gain my consent to serve? Why do I feel they are important?


*Compassionate Sadist - I enjoy pain with a Master who is a controlled compassionate sadist. I get true pleasure from it, a physical rush of adrenaline to ecstasy. It also allows me a release of my inner pain. If he is not a sadist to my masochist side I will not be able to feel my slavery fully within his ownership of me.

*Limits should be comparable – I think it’s important that we have the similar kinks or it is not going to be very fulfilling for either of us. I want my Master to enjoy my service and I want to enjoy it also. If he were to be say… into medical play and I vomited at the sight of needles...that is something I should have found out before hand.

*24/7 slave with sex being a component of the domination – My slavery is not going to be complete without a 24/7 life of it. So a Master that wishes a slave on a part time basis is not going to feed my craving for total control. And sex is an important part of that equation. Giving up control of even my sex to be used for his pleasure.

*Self Control – If he can’t control himself then how can he control me?

*A Sense of Humor - Essential in a lifestyle that often ends up in hysterically funny positions, or situations. When I beg to be released from his full rope bondage that he just spent two hours at perfecting each and every knot and braiding the crotch ropes, and suddenly I need to use the little submissive’s room, does he laugh and say, “Sure, no problem. I built in a quick release.” and then patiently re-tie every knot when I come crawling back for more? Or, does he yell, “I told you to go pee before we started! I am not releasing you! This rope work is art!” Well, that surely doesn’t sound very much like he has a sense of humor to me, much less the fact he just flunked Self-Control 101, not to mention about 15 other standards in my head.

*Capacity to Love, Be Loved and to Express that Love. - Easy to discern. Do his eyes smile at me with those cute little crinkles in the corners? Can he clean up after I vomit for two days with the flu? Can he let me clean up after him when he’s been vomiting for two days from the flu? When I say, “I love you, Master”, does he softly caress my hair and I know he means it when he says, “I love you too, my girl.” Or does he huff and puff and suddenly decide he might miss an appointment if he doesn’t leave right now. Doesn’t sound like he even knows what love is.

*Desire to Learn and Grow, for both of us. - I would rather not have a Master who thinks he already has all the answers, before the two of us have even begun to figure out the questions? If I have this burning (no pun intended) desire to experience fire play, I would want to know that he would seek expert training before lighting me on fire. Part of his ‘job’ and mine, is to keep me safe from harm. If he can’t admit that he doesn’t know everything about everything, and harms me trying to show his ‘skills’, well, that doesn’t sound so great to me.

*Poly relationships – I think “working” poly relationships can be extremely rewarding for all involved and I love the dynamics of having other slaves that are committed to the same goal as I am. My Master’s happiness. While it may not always be part of our relationship it is an important for me to know that if that next slave were to present herself or himself, that my Master has that expectation that he would enjoy those kinds of relationships as well.

I think in closing I would just like to add that thinking and questioning your own “requirements” for a Master is critically important. If you are looking for a Master slave or Dominant submissive relationship there are things you must find out first if there is any hope of it lasting beyond the next scene. Do the work needed and then submit fully knowing that you as the slave/sub have done everything you could to ensure the success of the relationship before it even begins.