Expert: Eirene Nayar - 12/21/2009

Question
I've been married for 22 years. We live a typical life; fast paced, children involved in everything, etc. Both of us work. My wife has lost all interest in sex for 7 years. She's a wonderful person but unable or unwilling to show the flirtatious desires she once had. I crossdress and at one time (before children) she and I would pamper each other with the little things we each enjoyed, but no more. We have argued for 7 years over it and live in intimacy reservation. She never apologizes for nothing, even for the sake of keeping the peace, let alone any true regrets. I am the pursuer, she gives no clue of ever being interested anytime soon in romance, play, etc. Her hide or her hide and seek demeanor is so frustrating and not easily understood. I realize the delicate balance between give and take but it is beyond that.

My question is this. Are there any mistresses out there (vast range and definition) who would respond to the alienation I feel through understanding, caring measures as I might become vulnerable to her with opening up, especially about crossdressing needs, female acceptance and guidance for the submissive, pretty side in me or is it really black and white out there, full of deception, blackmail, trickery, etc, all in the name of the money they make or can make with an unsuspecting fool like me. Am I expecting too much? I need companionship, guidance, encouragement, closeness, and discipline but I don’t want it to all blow up on me and make my life miserable. I have no desire to divorce, just be listened to, admired, and needed as I once was. Would you befriend me by sharing your thoughts and solutions.  A woman's thoughts, such as yours, are very important to me. Hopeless,
Jim


Answer
Hi Jim,

You are far and away *not* hopeless.  There are many great Mistresses out there as well as bad ones.  The BDSM world is not so different in that respect.  The key to finding that good match in a Mistress is giving yourself the time it takes to get to know them.

Let me back track a bit here and just ask …Does your wife know you are about to go outside of your primary relationship to fill these needs?  That is something you need to think about as you go forward.  There are many repercussions there.

First thing you need to do is to talk to others that are also in the lifestyle.  Local clubs are a great way to get started meeting people and learning what it is all about.  Do an internet search for BDSM clubs in your area.  Also there is a great website with tons of information and lots of people to talk to.  It’s called FetLife.  Its private and you can ask questions on thousands of topics, but always be aware that in any world there are those willing to take advantage of the new and inexperienced submissive.

Next thing a submissive needs to do is fill out a BDSM checklist.  It will make you think about things you have never thought of before.  Many of these are also available on the internet.  Then once you have done that sit down and take some time to think about the qualities you are looking for in a Mistress and questions you will want to keep in your mind when you find one you want to get to know better.  There are kinks related to the financial stuff and since that is one of your limits then make sure she is not into financial domination.  You see where I am going with this?  Think about things you like and find a Mistress that also has those kinks.  Do you like cock and ball torture?  Do you like to be tied up? Whipped? Caged?   Will sexual domination be involved?  Not all BDSM relationships are sexual.  Do you need a Mistress with a softer side, or one that is harsh?  Do you need to be the only boy or is it okay with you if she has other boys on her chain?

When you have done those things then take time…lots of time to find just that right one.  This is the one and only time that you as a submissive have all the choices, so make it wisely.  It took me 2 years to be collared by my Master.  

One last note, I think most Mistresses will be hesitant to collar a boy with a vanilla wife.  Due to the fact that their control of you is diminished.   However there are plenty of Mistresses that will not mind giving you that weekend or BDSM club fix if that will be enough to satisfy that craving in you.  Just remember to stay safe and  meet them in controlled environments like clubs, where Dungeon Masters keep an eye on things.

There is much to learn and experience in the BDSM world.  And knowledge *is* power so read all you can…talk to anyone you can that’s in it.  Ask questions and questions and more questions.  

I hope this has helped Jim.

Eirene Nayar