Expert: awhitecloud - 12/11/2009

Question
i'm afraid my question is kind complex. For almost ten years i lived openly in the lifestyle. my Dom/Husband and i were requested on multiple occasions to demo in several areas around the Midwest area. It was without a doubt the most beautiful and trusting relationship that i can even imagine. Unfortunately i became lifethreatening ill. Day after Day my Dom watched himself losing control. He lived in my hospital room but could nothing. "Our children" were losing their dad because he was so consumed with saving me. Then i coded on him. It was the final straw. 2 days later he walked in and told me He couldn't stand by and watch me die. He took His two children whom i had raised and left mine along with me behind. my trust was as you can imagine shattered. it has taken me 4 years to rebuild. The irony is 2 years He called and told me that He made a terrible mistake and missed his kids and would i please at least let him be their "dad" again. i told Him they were old enough to decide and they now have a great relationship. i had been involved very losely for the last 2 years with a very nilla relationship. The very idea of giving myself over into a D/s relationship terrifies the hell out of me but now that this relationship is ending and i'm looking hard at the reason i realize its becase i can't be myself in it. i'm an extremist. in play, you name it i've done it. Lifestyle wise i love the traditional roles that come with submssion but how do i do it. i'm so empty inside without it, without likeminded people i can talk to but when the ONE person whom you give everything to breaks you how do you ever begin to repair it without dragging it into your next relationship. I realize now I didn't choose to be submissive it's who i am and i can't run from it forever but how do i let myself trust again on any level in a role that requires nothing less than the absolute? i'd be grateful for any insight You may have...respectfully, rainie

Answer
rainie:

I changed the title of you email because I doubt you ever left the lifestyle.  I believe circumstance moved you laterally but the wiring and the thinking is still there.  No your real issue is rebuild your ability to trust, to give over that complete surrender; total submission. I feel I am able to answer this because I came at it form the other side; as a D who has had on occasion a sub walked away then wanted back.

The reason I feel you probably had a number of failed 'nilla relationships is that you never found the ability to trust again. It is more likely this is what is interfering in your ability to build a full and meaningful relationship. Either inside a 'nilla affair or going beyond that trust is the glue of all human relationships the only stronger one is fear. Humans will do much more out fear than they ever would out of trust or even love. Yes we will be self sacrificing under the influence of love, but the actual limits of depravity and the destruction of the last vestiges of humanity only happen with fear. You may ask why I mention this; it is because in the absence of trust FEAR is a good secondary emotion to get you back into the life.  However, if you truly are trying to build a relationship then trust will be needed eventually.

I think the operative words you used were "in play"; to many of us this not play. It is total and as near to the real "slavery" as it gets. So as long as you are playing you will have found that you will have developed many many limits you did not have before because you will be waiting to rekindle the relationship you once had. I think you need to figure out how to find someone who will not let this be a game but will bring the darkness out and overwhelm the light.

You could try the slow pace of getting to know, building experiences, over coming limits; but in the end you would never truly know if the situation could not, would not happen again. If you find a demon lord of such proportions of sadism and cruelty that even life itself is a surrenderable part of the existence, then all choice is removed, all capability to decide is removed and your very existence is at his whim.  You do not need trust.  The funny thing the act of such a total surrender will rebuild your trust.  Because you will understand and adopt your Master's patterns. You will realize that; the trust that you have for yourself  is what is important, not the trust in others.  You will learn that in your internal self sufficiency and survival... the person you need is yourself, and the Master is a mere tool that you USE to satisfy your baser cravings.  In the end it is your control over the manipulations, your ability to trust shattering your own limits and abilities to accept an uncertain future that will ultimately free you from the bonds that are keeping you away from your preferred lifestyle.

There are two big down sides to this, 1) nothing is for ever. Eventually either the Master will die, or you will, or you will simply fail to please him sufficiently for what ever reason that he will no longer keep you. I am almost 53, I have about 15-20 years active in this lifestyle left, then I will be unable to assert my dominance any more.  Many of us fade in our 60's or 70's.  You need to be prepared for that. But you still have 30-40 good years ahead of you. 2)
your relationship with your children WILL change. They will no longer be the important part of your life. Your Master may even order a separation from them. In the end it will rip at your heart but it will free your soul.  However, as the close to your lifestyle existence occurs, the role with your children will have an opportunity to rekindle.  It will never be the same but as with your ex-Master, it may become stronger.

I hope this has helped. If you have follow on questions; just ask.

Aramock Nanuck