Expert: Oscar G. - 12/6/2009

Question
Please forgive my slight ignorance to the correct verbiage, my apologies if I do in fact convey anything other then my passionate curiosities, and thank you for your time and possible assistance regarding this matter.
I will attempt to make this short; (I tend to ramble-my apologies).  I am married, for just over 11 years, we are both 37.  Putting aside my age, I had only one previous long term relationship prior to my husband, this vial thing put me through hell, and it wasn't in anyway what I would consider good.  I was lied to, cheated on and lost a lot of confidence and trust, for obvious reasons.  It sadly, only came to me like a strange epiphany that this previous man broke me.  My loving husband stuck by me, when I didn't understand why I couldn't handle him touching me, even though I enjoyed the outcome.  He used gentle hands and was always treating me like a queen.  I have finally found my "Sex Goddess" within me, granted, albeit late, but the rewards for the most part are wonderful, however, my mind has started to wonder, and I have found me asking... no actually begging for him to spank me, pull my hair, I cannot tell you how amazing being on all fours and having him take me from behind does to me these days!  The mere mention, either by text or verbally in front of me of my man telling me in a very feral-animal voice how much he want to take me... in much nastier words does to me... I melt, literally melt!  I have found myself reading fiction about the dom/sub lifestyles, and please remember I am 37 and yes, I know it's all FICTION and the real world doesn't work like the fictional world, however, the play scenes and things that happen within the stories do make my mind wonder and how it wonders... did I mention how creative my mind seems to be with these images?!  (sorry)
My dilemma?  I love my husband, I have voiced things to him, initially he freaked and was in now way into spanking me or pulling my hair, and eventually he has overcome this problem.  Here's the thing, I typically take care of our family, do all our day to day stuff; but I want more then anything for him to dominate me, last night I finally voiced this to him, after a few drinks; brave and fearful of the outcome, I know I freaked him out.  I am willing to do both ways... I have explained this, I know he thinks it's like he's being bad, (not in a good way) he has images of how awful his friends were to their mates, mean and nasty - which I have tried to explain that's not what I am asking, I have asked him to take some time to digest this all; and to please educate himself on this lifestyle.  
I am asking him for play scenes, occasionally adult time behind our closed bedroom door, privately.  I know he understands, however, I am worried.  
I love my husband, and the trust I have with this man is something that is priceless to me.  I cannot and will not loose this.  I am scared and fearful of my selfish wants, I have enjoyed my libido that has come from out of no place and made things happy for us, however, I worry if I cannot get him to understand it's not mean, seedy and wrong... it will not be the same sexually for me and I selfishly do NOT want to loose this feeling, the last time I felt this... well it was way before I knew what the heck to do with it!  I am a raging teenager with a 37 year old mindset!  Dangerous!!!  
I am unsure how to deal with what is happening with myself and how to help my husband understand things are not wrong, we are still the same people, and we still love each other and things will never change... only become better, potentially more enriched even?  
I am hoping your expertise can potentially help me and send me in the right direction?  
My appreciation is large and hopefully you can forgive my long winded email and help.  
Thank so much for your time regarding this matter.  

Answer
Hi Jamie:

In a few short  answers before elaborating on it. Yes you may be submissive. Yes you are in touch with your womanhood, because of age and experience (fact). Yes your partner, should do good reading about BDSM and that his role is not a cruel nor mean one.

The issue is how to get what you want without freaking out your husband? Talk to him, reassure him, make him read more. But them again, make it rewarding to him/for him. If he is to be your dominant , make it rewarding so he enjoys it.  Ask him his fantasies, fulfill them. It will require some digging and  talking  more and more about the topics. Perhaps require a bit of counseling to reassure him your appetite is healthy and so should his. You gotta cater to his needs also, they may not all be BDSM, but try to find the stuff he might enjoy most. May not be spanking, it could be bondage or it could be roleplaying, or could be dressing up and acting it up. You got to tap not only onto your fantasies, but also his, and possibly there is a middle ground with enough intensity and kink you both enjoy it. But it all requires reading, learning, asking questions and  get in touch with your darker side a bit.

The main point perhaps is to make clear that the dark side is not necessarily evil per se nor bad. But it is a form of self expression that needs to come out and play. It is a bit make  believe and a bit of venting out or acting up. But in a sexy creative  and positive  form. Once he gets that he perhaps could get into his role as "your villain" now happens to become your hero at the end of the session <smile>. A bit of BDSM couple counseling can help. like marriage counseling but ironing out the kinks (no pun intended) of how things work. I see you both have an honest open caring relation and you both are trying  to do it. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you will succeed. I hope my reply gives you enough insight to carry on and follow through.
Be well be safe and have fun.
Oscar G.