Expert: CougarDomme - 2/3/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I'm in a farily new (5+ months now)relationship. I have fallen deeply in love with my lover, and up until now he has done mild things like handcuffs, rope, blindfolds and anal. I've always preferred a man who takes control in the bedroom, but this is all new to me.  
I like it but am having some difficulty understanding some of what is taking place now.  The last 2 times we were intimate there was pain involved.  This confuses me because it's messing with my brain and my limits.  
I almost feel this hightened sense of love for him now, more than I had for him before which I don't understand because I am not a lover of pain.  And I am having a hard time understanding how if he loves me why would he want to hurt me.  Why is it sexual?
I want to do anything for him, and anything he wants.  I totally trust him and I know he loves me deeply.
I am completely blown away by these feelings I'm having, especially since our last session.  I feel like I've fallen into a deeper level of love for him and it's just very confusing.
He says there is a fine line between pleasure and pan and I will understand just how fine that line is-

I guess my question is two things.  
1- Please help me to understand why he takes pleasure in causing me pain- why is it sexual? He says he loves me and I know he does.
2- Please help me to understand why if I don't like pain- why I feel like i've fallen even deeper in love with him since our last session?  It's so confusing- am I sick and twisted?

Thanks for your time~


ANSWER: It's about control much more than pain--do you love me enough to do this for me is a huge part of it. You will stretch your limits and begin to enjoy things you never thought you would even consider. Many players start out being very pain averse but they do learn to love it and you probably will too--it's simply a more intense sensation. You fall deeper in love because there's a huge bond of trust involved and it's almost impossible not to love someone you know you can totally trust and who is so into your head.  Breaking up a BDSM relationship is the most difficult thing in the world because the partners has such an incredible hold on each other and are so into each other's heads. Partners slowly pervert each other LOL I tell people who are scratching the surface with a rookie partner that it's a slow process, you don't just show up with a bucket of Crisco and a shaved goat and say "I've got a great idea for hot sex".  It takes time!
You are not sick and twisted--there's a whole different level of commitment required in this kind of relationship.
You might want to do some reading on the subject of BDSM to get a better understanding of your feelings. I highly recommend "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" and you can get it from Amazon.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your insight.  It does make sense.

I am wondering though, are there limits to this type of relationship?  I mean, are all BD/SM relationships sort of the same in that the Dom has all control and makes all decisions and the Sub does whatever he/she wants, no questions asked?
Is it normal to want a BD/SM relationship AND want Him to make passionate love to me too?
Is it normal to want both?
I love bondage, the spankings, etc-- perhaps I will learn to love the pain, as you said, but I love the passionate love making too.  Is that normal?  Either way, even with the more traditional type love making He is always in charge, and I love that.  And even with the more traditional type of love making he mixes in a litle BD/SM act like tying me up, blind folding me and/or performing anal which I love too (the combination of both).

Do I have a choice about how deep into this He will go with me?  Do we discuss this together or do I just trust Him always and not ask questions?

Thanks again for your time  

Answer
NOTHING is essential in this lifestyle,
not pain, bisexuality, humiliation, only if you like it and it is acceptable to you. If it's not, it's not. REMEMBER: You always, ALWAYS, have the right to say, "no". Even if you are collared. Love is essential to this lifestyle as well...don't let anyone tell you it's not. Most lifestyle Dommes are not interested in doormats. I can buy a doormat at WalMart for five bucks. REMEMBER: You have a mouth, a backbone and a brain, use all 3 copiously. Respect is essential in this lifestyle, and it is EARNED, not given, demanded or expected, both from you and to you. You are NOT required to accept anything. Don't settle. And multiple subs is not an essential part of this lifestyle either. If you don't wish to share your Dom with others, then say so.