Expert: arani_CsA - 2/12/2009

Question
I am a 20 year old American submissive in a long distance relationship with my 21 year old dominant in Canada. We met over a year ago on a social networking site and mostly keep in touch via messenger service and text messages. The reason I'm asking for advice today is because I have hit a rough spot in the relationship and nothing I try to do or say seems to be having any effect to help what's wrong.



My dominant is very much a polyamorous individual and he admitted that to me before our relationship began; he has a primary partner in a live-in girlfriend and she is very much aware and accepting of his lifestyle preferences. When we were working out the dynamics of our relationship, we agreed that I would pursue a monogamous relationship only with him and become his 'pet' (submissive, not animal play). I agreed to this because at the time I had no interest in forming an intimate relationship with anyone outside of him.



While I was preparing for my visit to his home (which would be months later) he let me know that he had other submissives he formed deep bonds with. Two, in fact, so he was already in relationships with three women not counting me. One of them is an ex-girlfriend of his that he frequently admits is his "soul mate" and loves more than anyone. I was fine with this back then because I was someone he had just started to be on friendly terms with; he spoke so highly of the other two that I began to have thoughts that I would never be as important to him as they are but I kept it hush-hush because I didn't want to appear jealous of them. My dominant saw through that very quickly, would talk to me about why I felt the way I felt, and assure me that he wanted me just as much as he wanted them.



After a few delays that kept me from visiting (and watching one other possible submissive come and go) I was finally able to visit and stay with my dominant and his girlfriend in the beginning of November 2008 for two weeks. For the first week, the three of us got along great. We all were enjoying each other's company and I enjoyed the alone time I was able to spend with my dominant.



I can't pinpoint where exactly I went wrong, but during my time there I ended up getting sick and passing out in a local Wal-Mart -- due to my not eating as much as I usually do, in an effort to stay out of the way and cause as little waves as possible. I was dehyrated for a couple of days and my dominant reprimanded me for not taking care of myself, but we went "back to normal" as the days went on.



During my second week there I became a little upset that being in the relationship means that I would be second and I ended up crying. It was because of this that my dominant became 'disgusted' with me and stop paying attention to me to a point. He would only talk to me to give me orders and would not touch or look at me altogether. It lasted for the rest of my final week there; he and his girlfriend became especially lovey-dovey in front of me in the last week. Cuddling, kissing, playing, doing baby talk right in front of me and going on dates and leaving me alone at home. I felt extremely neglected and resentful during the last week and stopped interacting with them as much as they stopped interacting with me.



After my return home my owner slowly became extremely haphazard towards me. He stopped texting and im'ing me unless I texted and im'ing him first and stopped emailing me altogether. For a month or so he was very hostile towards me as well, cutting our conversations short and making it a point to tell me how well his other submissives were in pleasing him than I was. There were times when he became sympathetic and open to me but those didn't last that long. In return, I admit I held a grudge in my feelings of having been ignored so we've been on rocky ground since.



I knew during that time he was searching for other submissives closer to him in location but I believed they were to replace me. He has found two near him in Canada and he pours the same attention and love and fondness into their relationships that he once did with me. There are times when we are on good terms again and it looks as if things will get better, but...



During my time of holding a grudge to him, I began to look at him as normal so, in case he did decide to dump me, I wouldn't be hurt. This has caused me to become less enarmored and worshipful of him than before though I still love him. He has noticed this and admitted that this upsets him; I know for a fact that all his other girls are either still in the "having a crush/finding true love/dream of being with him forever endless love" stage. He says that a pet is not supposed to be so casual towards their owner or be upset with their owner for any reason. They are supposed to provide him with unbiased devotion.



I guess my question is...how do I make this all work again?



Ever since the time I messed up on my visit, my dominant has stressed that I have to work hard to earn a place back in his heart. Why is it that I always have to 'work' whether I am making good or bad progress? Lately, it feels as if I've been doing nothing but trying to get back in his good graces but I'm always not doing ENOUGH. He says the other reasons why he loves his other girls so much is because they are "more devoted, faithful, loving, deserving" and make him happier. They never argue or throw tantrums at him (which he says I do and I admit I do at times). They accept his will and orders without question and would drop their own dreams and bend over backwards to make him happy.



Why is it wrong for _me_ to want to be shown that I am still cared for? They get daily emails, texts, even phone calls from him but _I_ haven't earned that again yet. I ask for one token that he still cares for me and its the height of unselfishness. How can I earn those when, whenever I get upset or unsure, it counts against me and he puts a black mark against me that I have to work all over again?



He has recently admitted that he stopped reading the online journal he asked me to keep for him and I believe that he stopped reading it after my trip to his home. This showed me that he became disinterested in me because of my behavior and made me even more unsure that I should devote myself completely to someone who can take his love away from me whenever he wishes.



As of late, I've been realizing more and more that I wish to become a 24/7 slave with a master. I believe this ties in with my desire to belong to someone absolutely and know that they love me in return for my service. I have come to terms that I will never have this type of relationship with him -- knowing that he will never want me as a 'girlfriend' -- but it upsets him that I have this desire and believes that I am trying to manipulate him into becoming monogamous with me. I really don't get how I'm doing this, knowing he would dump me before it ever happened, but how can I do to show him that I don't want or expect monogamy on his part with me?



I also have a question by his live-in girlfriend. We are very much alike and back then we were especially close but, as she is becoming closer to his newer submissives, the only time she tries to come into contact with me is when she is having problems with him. I don't like only being remembered when I'm needed for something but how do I bring this up with them without sowing seeds between them?



I have jealousy and trust issues. Its obvious that I don't trust him when I think any second that he will decide to get rid of me but he tells me over and over that no one will stop him from wanting me. I know he is happy being with his other girls, too, but how do I support him in this without feeling lonely or overlooked on my part? I understand that helping him to be happy means that he will think of me fondly again but why do I feel that him being happy with someone else means that he will lose feelings for me?



Finally...what do I do about my desires to go even deeper in submission with someone? I have to admit that I'm becoming disatisfied with being long distance and yearn to get into the lifestyle in real life. But I can't get rid of my beliefs that I can only be a slave to someone who will give me just as much as devotion in return. I want to do as much as I can in having our relationship work again just as much as him but what can I do when my eyes are open and I'm getting tired of begging for my feelings to be thought of as special.



Thank you in advance for your insight and I apologize for the extra long airings of my grievances.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

Firstly, please do not feel badly for sending me a long letter.  Your words help me get to know you better, and enable me to better formulate my response.  Too, I find that when I write at length about my own problems and concerns, I understand them better myself and can better visualize what lies at the heart of them.  By writing this out, you should be able to get a better handle on what your own feelings about this are.

That said, I hope you don't mind if I'm frank and open in some of the things that I am going to say to you.  Please bear in mind that I do so with the best of intentions, and with the hopes of helping you work through this.  For I can't tell you what to do; all I can do is to help you figure out for yourself what the solution is.

I have been in two poly M/s relationships.  Twice I have belonged to men who owned several slaves.  And it is hard.  Just as everyone isn't cut out for an M/s relationship, not everyone is suited for a poly lifestyle (vanilla or BDSM).  There's nothing wrong with you if you can't be a part of that; the only wrong is in trying to be something you're not -- especially if that means misleading other people as well as yourself.

One thing that many people don't understand about poly relationships is that not everyone is going to have equal status.  Especially in an M/s household, each person within that relationship is going to have a different role to play.  For instance, I have several times begged my current Master/husband to take another slave, to help with the housework.  I am physically disabled, and simply cannot take care of the house properly, and so Master has to help out quite a bit (which makes me feel guilty).  We have also discussed taking into our home a slave who will act as a surrogate mother for our child, as I am entering menopause.  If he does decide to do either of these things, that will in no way change the fact that I am the love of his life and will always be of primary importance to him.  And, yet, each of these women would be entitled to his love and his affection.  

Another thing that needs to be considered here is that slaves are not automatically entitled to the Master's love.  There are some who believe that it is wrong for a Master to love his slave.  Speaking for myself, I went in search of a Master who would use me to the fullest extent of my ability, and expect the best from me.  I didn't want a lover.  However, over the nine years that we have been together, we have grown to love each other very much.  (I consider that love a side benefit that many slaves don't have.)  A slave is merely an owned woman, the conditions of that ownership are totally at the whim of the Master.

Now, knowing that your Master has other women in his life, and actually experiencing having to share him with those women, are two entirely different things.  I'm not surprised that you had a shock upon visiting him.  And you reacted just as anyone who is in shock would react.  But, you also need to understand that your Master is not going to change.  What you experienced on that first visit is what your entire relationship is going to be like, period.  You are the one who is going to have to adapt, if you can.  And, as young as you and your Master are, it could well be exactly like this for the next 50 years.  

I like to say that a submissive DOES what her Master wants, while a slave BECOMES what her Master wants.  You are the one who is going to have to change, if you remain in this relationship.  Your Master is the way he is, and will not change.  And he shouldn't have to.  He is the Master, you are the slave.

To be blunt, some would say that you've been acting like a spoiled child who isn't being allowed to have your own way.  You cried, you stopped eating, you threw a temper tantrum because you couldn't bear to watch your Master with another woman -- when you knew what the situation was from the outset.  I can understand why he became frustrated with you, and many Masters would have removed your collar long before this.  You were being tested, and you failed the test.  You ask how you can make all this work again.  But, from what it sounds like to me, it never worked in the first place.

You ask why it is that you have to work to earn your way back into your Master's heart.  Well, the answer to that is because you are a slave.  That's what life as a slave is all about.  Your Master had certain expectations of you that you didn't live up to; some slaves would be grateful to be allowed a second chance.  By pointing out to you how his other slaves behave, he's telling you exactly what he expects of you.  Look at these other slaves as his model of a perfect slave.

It isn't wrong for you to want to be shown that you are cared for.  But you need to understand that, as a slave, what you want is not as important as what the Master wants.  And I think you're misinterpreting his actions here.  The fact that he is allowing you to remain in his collar, and is taking so much time to correct your behavior, tells me that he loves you very much.  If he didn't love you, if he truly didn't care, then he would have wiped his hands of you and never spoken to you again.  He has high expectations for you, and has faith that you can meet those expectations.  He's giving you time to learn these lessons.  To me, it sounds like he is a wise man who loves you very much.  But it's also clear to me that he's losing patience, and will only wait for so long before he gives up on you and looks elsewhere.

What you need to do is to sit down and spend some time thinking seriously about this.  Can you live this kind of life?  He's not going to change; you're the one who is going to have to change, and rather drastically.  His primary isn't going to change, these other submissives aren't going to change.  Can you accept them the way they are?  There's nothing wrong in admitting that you can't.  There's everything right in understanding that even slaves have limits, and sometimes there are places we just can't go -- no matter how much we may want to.

As for your desires to go deeper into submission with someone -- those are admirable desires and are well worth pursuing.  You should understand that being a submissive and being a slave are two entirely different things.  Some say that a slave is an extreme submissive, but I believe that submissiveness is a quality that many slaves don't have at all.  Personally, I don't have a submissive bone in my body, and yet my Master tells me that I am a natural slave.  

The difference is basically in the mind-set.  It's not about WHAT we do, it's about WHY we do it.  A submissive commits to a relationship because it's enjoyable for her, because she gets pleasure from being obedient or being controlled or what-have-you.  Some say that the submissive is the one who has the real power in a D/s relationship, because she can specify limits and leave the relationship at any time she feels her needs aren't being met.  A slave, however, isn't in it because it's fun.  Sometimes, slavery isn't fun at all, and sometimes we absolutely hate what we are told to do.  But we do it because it's as natural for us as breathing.  We aren't even able to consider the possibility of not doing it, because being told that we are displeasing is the worst kind of punishment that we can imagine.  Slaves are not doormats, we are intelligent and ambitious women who go out and look for someone who can channel these needs of ours to be pleasing, and show us how to do it in such a way that we will not be hurt.

Now, I've given you a lot to think about, and I hope I haven't offended or caused you alarm.  But I do want to offer some sites that will allow you to research what it's like to be a slave, and help you decide whether that's what you really want.  Submissives are wonderful people; they just have different needs than slaves do.  And knowing what you want and need is something that you will spend a lifetime learning.  The joy is in the journey, not the destination.

http://www.rlslavery.com
http://www.bestslavetraining.com/
http://www.bornslaves.com/index.html

Good luck to you, dear one, and if you have further questions, feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius