Expert: awhitecloud - 2/11/2009

Question
I am a 20 year old American submissive in a long distance relationship with my 21 year old dominant in Canada. We met over a year ago on a social networking site and mostly keep in touch via messenger service and text messages. The reason I'm asking for advice today is because I have hit a rough spot in the relationship and nothing I try to do or say seems to be having any effect to help what's wrong.

My dominant is very much a polyamorous individual and he admitted that to me before our relationship began; he has a primary partner in a live-in girlfriend and she is very much aware and accepting of his lifestyle preferences. When we were working out the dynamics of our relationship, we agreed that I would pursue a monogamous relationship only with him and become his 'pet' (submissive, not animal play). I agreed to this because at the time I had no interest in forming an intimate relationship with anyone outside of him.

While I was preparing for my visit to his home (which would be months later) he let me know that he had other submissives he formed deep bonds with. Two, in fact, so he was already in relationships with three women not counting me. One of them is an ex-girlfriend of his that he frequently admits is his "soul mate" and loves more than anyone. I was fine with this back then because I was someone he had just started to be on friendly terms with; he spoke so highly of the other two that I began to have thoughts that I would never be as important to him as they are but I kept it hush-hush because I didn't want to appear jealous of them. My dominant saw through that very quickly, would talk to me about why I felt the way I felt, and assure me that he wanted me just as much as he wanted them.

After a few delays that kept me from visiting (and watching one other possible submissive come and go) I was finally able to visit and stay with my dominant and his girlfriend in the beginning of November 2008 for two weeks. For the first week, the three of us got along great. We all were enjoying each other's company and I enjoyed the alone time I was able to spend with my dominant.

I can't pinpoint where exactly I went wrong, but during my time there I ended up getting sick and passing out in a local Wal-Mart -- due to my not eating as much as I usually do, in an effort to stay out of the way and cause as little waves as possible. I was dehyrated for a couple of days and my dominant reprimanded me for not taking care of myself, but we went "back to normal" as the days went on.

During my second week there I became a little upset that being in the relationship means that I would be second and I ended up crying. It was because of this that my dominant became 'disgusted' with me and stop paying attention to me to a point. He would only talk to me to give me orders and would not touch or look at me altogether. It lasted for the rest of my final week there; he and his girlfriend became especially lovey-dovey in front of me in the last week. Cuddling, kissing, playing, doing baby talk right in front of me and going on dates and leaving me alone at home. I felt extremely neglected and resentful during the last week and stopped interacting with them as much as they stopped interacting with me.

After my return home my owner slowly became extremely haphazard towards me. He stopped texting and im'ing me unless I texted and im'ing him first and stopped emailing me altogether. For a month or so he was very hostile towards me as well, cutting our conversations short and making it a point to tell me how well his other submissives were in pleasing him than I was. There were times when he became sympathetic and open to me but those didn't last that long. In return, I admit I held a grudge in my feelings of having been ignored so we've been on rocky ground since.

I knew during that time he was searching for other submissives closer to him in location but I believed they were to replace me. He has found two near him in Canada and he pours the same attention and love and fondness into their relationships that he once did with me. There are times when we are on good terms again and it looks as if things will get better, but...

During my time of holding a grudge to him, I began to look at him as normal so, in case he did decide to dump me, I wouldn't be hurt. This has caused me to become less enarmored and worshipful of him than before though I still love him. He has noticed this and admitted that this upsets him; I know for a fact that all his other girls are either still in the "having a crush/finding true love/dream of being with him forever endless love" stage. He says that a pet is not supposed to be so casual towards their owner or be upset with their owner for any reason. They are supposed to provide him with unbiased devotion.

I guess my question is...how do I make this all work again?

Ever since the time I messed up on my visit, my dominant has stressed that I have to work hard to earn a place back in his heart. Why is it that I always have to 'work' whether I am making good or bad progress? Lately, it feels as if I've been doing nothing but trying to get back in his good graces but I'm always not doing ENOUGH. He says the other reasons why he loves his other girls so much is because they are "more devoted, faithful, loving, deserving" and make him happier. They never argue or throw tantrums at him (which he says I do and I admit I do at times). They accept his will and orders without question and would drop their own dreams and bend over backwards to make him happy.

Why is it wrong for _me_ to want to be shown that I am still cared for? They get daily emails, texts, even phone calls from him but _I_ haven't earned that again yet. I ask for one token that he still cares for me and its the height of unselfishness. How can I earn those when, whenever I get upset or unsure, it counts against me and he puts a black mark against me that I have to work all over again?

He has recently admitted that he stopped reading the online journal he asked me to keep for him and I believe that he stopped reading it after my trip to his home. This showed me that he became disinterested in me because of my behavior and made me even more unsure that I should devote myself completely to someone who can take his love away from me whenever he wishes.

As of late, I've been realizing more and more that I wish to become a 24/7 slave with a master. I believe this ties in with my desire to belong to someone absolutely and know that they love me in return for my service. I have come to terms that I will never have this type of relationship with him -- knowing that he will never want me as a 'girlfriend' -- but it upsets him that I have this desire and believes that I am trying to manipulate him into becoming monogamous with me. I really don't get how I'm doing this, knowing he would dump me before it ever happened, but how can I do to show him that I don't want or expect monogamy on his part with me?

I also have a question by his live-in girlfriend. We are very much alike and back then we were especially close but, as she is becoming closer to his newer submissives, the only time she tries to come into contact with me is when she is having problems with him. I don't like only being remembered when I'm needed for something but how do I bring this up with them without sowing seeds between them?

I have jealousy and trust issues. Its obvious that I don't trust him when I think any second that he will decide to get rid of me but he tells me over and over that no one will stop him from wanting me. I know he is happy being with his other girls, too, but how do I support him in this without feeling lonely or overlooked on my part? I understand that helping him to be happy means that he will think of me fondly again but why do I feel that him being happy with someone else means that he will lose feelings for me?

Finally...what do I do about my desires to go even deeper in submission with someone? I have to admit that I'm becoming disatisfied with being long distance and yearn to get into the lifestyle in real life. But I can't get rid of my beliefs that I can only be a slave to someone who will give me just as much as devotion in return. I want to do as much as I can in having our relationship work again just as much as him but what can I do when my eyes are open and I'm getting tired of begging for my feelings to be thought of as special.

Thank you in advance for you insight and I apologize for the extra long airings of my grievances.  

Answer
Okay sorry for my delay.  But I would seek out munches and activities here near you and attend.  Get to know other people.  As for his he is to keep you safe and encourage you to grow as well to become what he would wish for you to be in your relationship with you.  It does not sound much like he has one at all with you.  Please do not hold your breath waiting.  He needs to help and leas you to correct your relationship you can not do it alone it is a two way street.

I know it hurts as well it is not what your looking to hear.  But I truly can not tell you to sit and wait nor can I tell you to pack it all in and call it a gone deal.  You or him need to make that call, and it sounds to me like he is wanting you to make it so he does not have to deal with it.

Hand in there and seek out to learn from others.  Muches are a safe place to be and get to know other like minded people as well.

Best of luck to you,