Expert: awhitecloud - 2/4/2009

Question
background:  I have been in a 5 year relationship with a sub/pain slut.  She introduced me to the life.  I witnessed a very mild scene with her last dom (just a causal friend)about 2 weeks into our relationship.  She had me do some reading (screw the roses, send me the thorns, etc) and let me gently whip, cane and or paddle her a few times (I kinda liked the control), but she never let me inflict the kind of pain she really likes. She didn't seem to fully trust me.  After a time ( a year?) when I would mention it or try to bind her she would say she didn't want it "like that" anymore.  So I quit asking, and we settled into a committed (albeit vanilla) lesbian relationship (there was even civil union talk).  About 6 months ago she asked me if she could seek out a local dom and get back into the scene.  I freaked- all I heard was "you are not enough for me" and she dropped it.  
Now out of the blue she says she doesn't know what she feels for me any more, that I don't meet her needs and she needs some "space".  I got her to agree to go to couples therapy.  I know the BDSM issue will need to be reopened. She says she trusts me and knows I love her relationship wise.   I feel like she never trusted me with her true sexual needs.  How do I convince her I can give her what she needs?  And how can I get the training she says I need to give it?  I love this girl more than life itself and will do whatever it takes to win her back.

PS- I just sent a similar question but with a wrong email address, sorry

Answer
I know of two places on line does relationship counseling. They are

http://bdsmcounsel.blogspot.com/2008/12/bdsm-relationships.html

http://kinkycounselor.com/home.html

As well there are a number of them out there that are kink friendly you might wish to look into that.

Maybe even find a local Munch group in your area and gain some Mentors to help you and most of all communicate talk about what is happening and why.  Even if she needs to write it out and try to explain it through that method.  Sometimes it is easier to write and then talk then to just try to put it all into words.

If you write me back and mark it privet and let me know where you live I might be able to help you more on what is available in your area.

Trust does not happen over night it is a road of building, and in the BDSM relationships it can be hard to ever have enough.  And FYI for you if the causal friend as you put it was the last Dom as well, to my understanding? There was a level of trust already build and established for the scene to happen. This trust can not just happen to gain you the access into a heavy scene it can take months and even years to gain to that level in some relationships.


I hope this helps you if I can do more please let me know.

awhitecloud