Expert: arani_CsA - 2/11/2009

Question
QUESTION: how do i learn the difference between my wants and my needs?Sir gives me everything i need and yet i want so much how can i learn to be less selfish and more understanding?Only want to please him...thank you

ANSWER: Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

You didn't say whether you are a submissive or a slave.  The approach to your question will vary accordingly, as the motivations for being a submissive are very different from those of a slave.  Perhaps the first thing you should do is to study up on what those differences are, and how they apply to you, if you have not already done so.  Then, you should sit down with your Sir and discuss this with him.

There are some who say that a submissive is the one who has the real control in a Dom/sub relationship.  And there's some truth in that.  For a submissive, what she wants is just as important (or even more so) than what the Dom wants.  She stays in the relationship because it satisfies her needs and her wants.  Yes, she may be serving the Dom, but in the end if she's not getting her own needs and desires met, then she's not going to stay in the relationship.  And, there's nothing wrong with someone who is like this, because she has come to terms with her own needs and wants, and has taken strides to go out there and get them met.

A slave, however, is someone who is able to completely put aside her own needs, and learns not to want anything other than what her Master wants.  It doesn't matter whether she enjoys doing what she's told to do, she does it automatically.  Her pleasure is meaningless; she's not in it for pleasure, although she may find it.  This doesn't mean she has no needs.  She needs oxygen, food, a safe place to live, protection from harm, a purpose in life, and so on.  She may enjoy listening to a particular kind of music, or eating certain foods, or wearing certain clothes.  But she has learned to accept her Master's decision in these things.  In other words, she needs something different than what the submissive needs.

A slave is not an extreme submissive.  Some slaves are not submissive at all.  A slave is merely someone who belongs to someone else.  It doesn't matter one whit whether she enjoys herself or not.  She doesn't enjoy breathing, but she does it because she can't do anything else.  For me, that doesn't mean that my Master bought me and paid for me, although some slaves are bought in actuality.  No, it means that, from an emotional standpoint, I can't imagine being anywhere else but in his service.  I am complete.  I may think what he wants to watch on TV is silly, but I don't get upset because I can't watch what I want to watch.  I just put on my headphones and listen to my music.  

How can you learn to be less selfish?  That involves a change in mind-set that may take you years to accomplish.  Keep reminding yourself that your every thought, every action, belongs to him.  You exist for no other purpose than to serve him, to please him by doing the best job of serving him that you can.  

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want.  If your Sir cares about you, as he undoubtedly does, it will please him to occasionally grant you something that you will enjoy.  And the only way he knows what you will enjoy is if you tell him.  Just remember that it's up to him whether he grants you that thing or not.  And see it as a special gift when he does.  Your life isn't going to come to an end if you don't get that dress you want, or get to have lunch with your friends, but you'll feel such an intense feeling of love and respect if you see it as a gift from him instead of expecting it as your right.  Because a slave has no rights.

Remember, as a slave, the only thing you can do without his permission is breathe.  And if he had a way of controlling that, he would.  Trust him to know what you need, and be grateful to him if he gives you what you want.  

I'm going to suggest some reading, if you haven't already seen these:
http://www.rlslavery.com
http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/miriarealityslave.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/ravenmyths.htm
http://www.steel-door.com/good_submissive.htm

Good luck to you.  Becoming a submissive or a slave is a process that may take you an entire lifetime.  Enjoy the journey, and don't try to get there too soon.  If you have any further questions, feel free to bring them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i am a Submissive..kind of new to this i've been with Sir for a little over a year...we don't live together yet but will in a couple months eager to serve him....he has control but i still have some control issues to work on any advice on that?thank you so much for your help want to be the best Pet i can

ANSWER: Hello...

Thank you for your question.  I'm glad that my earlier answer was of some help, and I'm flattered that you came to me for further help.

Thanks also for clarifying that you are a submissive and not a slave.  I'll try to frame my answer toward that end.  Submissives will always retain a little bit of control for themselves.  Actually, there are some people who say that the submissive is the one who has the real control in a D/s relationship, because she will have specified limits and has a safe word.  Basically, there will be a negotiation phase when the Dominant and submissive are considering a relationship, where she will state what she will and won't do.  And she has the right of re-negotiating these at any time.

Since you are a newcomer, you may not have taken some time to really search within yourself as to why you are drawn to this lifestyle, and what you need to get from it.  Once that first rush of pleasure is over, when it's not as fun as it was the first time, you need to know that you're getting your own needs met as well as his.  And you need to really analyze your own mind to know what those needs are.  Submissives DO have needs, and they are just as important as the needs of the Dominant.  (And I don't mean just food and shelter.)

I suggest that you do some research into the lifestyle, over and above what your Sir may have told you or that you may have heard from friends.  If you have not already done so, here are some good websites to give you a good basic grounding into what the lifestyle is all about:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

You should have some in-depth discussions with your Sir, clarifying what it is that he expects from you as well as what he will offer you in return.  Explore, with him, forms of service that you would enjoy providing, some that you might be interested in but either haven't experienced or are a little nervous about, and some that you would not consider under any terms.  (It's alright to have some hard limits.  But you do need to make it clear from the beginning what those are.)  Then, see how your Master can work with you to make these things happen.  Expect him to push those limits, but he should also respect that there are some things that he should never ask of you.  Also expect that he will nurture you and protect you, and serve as your guide as well as your controller.

You might also want to check out a book called "Domestic Discipline," by Jules Markham.  It's not strictly about BDSM or D/s, but it does give some good insights into power play and the surrendering of control.  It's a good resource for a beginner.

I also suggest that you and your Sir find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com.  Here you can meet others who share your interests, make friends with other submissives, and watch to see how they handle themselves as well as others.  You can observe other couples and see how they do things, and learn what they think and feel.

Again, good luck to you.  I'm here to answer any more questions you may have.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hi there it's me again just wanted to know if you have info on something.Sir wants to get my pussy pierced so he can put a small padlock on it just wandering what does this represent?Do you have yours done or know someone who does?Not worried about getting the piercing itself done but does it hurt to have the padlock on?You know like feel heavy and do i have the lock on all the time or only when Sir wants?Do you know if the piercing hurts alot?Take awhile to heal?Do I have to wait a certain amount of time to have sex after?Ok thats more then one question sorry just trying to learn about everything...thank you soo much for all your help very grateful for it...any info you have on this i am thankful for...Pet

Answer
Hello...

Thanks for having the faith in me to come back for more.

Firstly, the symbolism behind such a piercing has to do with the fact that your Sir owns every part of your body, and he can do anything he wants to with it.  The reason he wants to put a lock on your pussy is the same reason he would put a lock on his house or car -- to prevent anyone else from having access to it.  This doesn't mean that he thinks you're going to run around and have sex with someone else; instead it means that it is his to decide who may or may not have sex with you.  It's sort of like wearing a chastity belt.  Or, more properly, like when a cowboy brands his cattle.

The only thing that I have pierced is my ears.  My Master has teased me about getting my nipples pierced, and if he were to command it of me I would have no choice in the matter.  That's because I'm a slave and must do what he says, regardless of whether I like it or not.  I have, more than once, begged my Master to have me branded.  However, so far he has not chosen to do so.

I do have a friend who had her pussy lips pierced with a row of rings that her Master could use to lace her pussy closed.  She found it very exciting and stimulating that he wanted to exercise such control over her.  I've heard the same from others I've known who had such a thing done.  

You do need to be very careful about having such tender parts of your body pierced.  Your nipples and your pussy lips are much more delicate, when it comes to that sort of thing, than your ear lobes or even your lip or your nose or your tongue.  I've known of several people who ended up having their nipples severely damaged by piercing them.  My friend who had a row of rings put into her pussy lips had to have them removed because she got nickel poisoning.  But her problem was that she had them all done at once; if she had done them one at a time with a waiting period in between, she would have done just fine.

And, yes, having such a delicate part of your body pierced will hurt like heck when it's being done.  But it will soon heal and shouldn't cause you any further pain.  If the lock is small, the added weight shouldn't hurt and you'll soon get used to it.  There will most definitely be a healing period when you won't be allowed to have sex.  Once the wound is healed, then you should be able to have sex just like before.  You may even find it more stimulating than before.  But hygeine is going to be even more important than before, especially during the healing process.  It would be very easy to get a nasty infection if the wound is contaminated with urine or menstrual blood.

As to whether you'll wear the lock all the time or not is totally up to your Sir.  By having this done, you're symbolically giving him the power to make every decision for you -- not only what you'll do or wear, or where you'll go, or who you'll talk to, but also how and when your body will be marked as his.  Before you have it done, you should discuss with him why he's doing this, what it means to him, and when you'll wear it.  He should also be able to advise you about caring for your new piercing, and what problems to look out for.

Before you do this, you and your Sir should locate someone who is very experienced in this kind of body modification.  It's a serious thing, and should only be done by someone who is very qualified and who is very cautious about how he does it.  Make absolutely sure that his instruments are sterilized, and that he knows what to do if there is a problem.  You also need to be sure that this is something you can do without fear; don't feel you are being forced into it.  If you have serious hesitations about doing this, then discuss those hesitations with your Sir.

You can read more about the procedure here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labia_piercing

Good luck to you,
arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius