Expert: arani_CsA - 3/17/2009

Question
grew up being taken to secrete meetings, Father was a dom, mom a sub. My sisters had to call me sir growing up. Think was being trained. Every girl have dated has called me sir.  I am very direct, in charge, a leader in all things. My first girl freind I placed a collar on. Am in therapy to help reconstruct past memories due to a near fatal car accident. I have vivid dreams of old girls have ben involved with, they have all ben submissive. Hopeing to find material that can help me remember my schooling, and discover who I truly am. Can you help?

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for submitting your question.  I do apologize for the delay in answering it, but for some reason the person you originally sent it to didn't answer it and so it was sent on to me.

There is something that concerns me about your letter.  One of the things that we, in the BDSM world, value above almost anything else is consensuality.  In other words, if at any time a person indicates that s/he doesn't want to be involved with what is happening, then we do not force him/her.  We do this because we want to, not because our parents or boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife expect it of us.  And part of that consent involves educating people as to what they are getting into.

My own Master/husband and I are firm believers that children should never be involved in the lifestyle, either with or without their consent.  Others may disagree, and that is their right.  But it is my belief that a child cannot fully understand the reasons why Daddy ties Mommy up and beats her with a whip, and may well go to school and tell her teacher that when she grows up she wants to be a slave like Mommy.  The latter will probably result in Mommy and Daddy getting a visit from the child welfare worker.  And it is doubtful that a child will understand the finer points of limits and safe words, or how to safely perform various play activities.

That said, I don't see anything wrong with children observing their mother behaving respectfully toward their father, waiting to eat her own meal until after he is finished with his, and other subtle forms of demonstrating their relationship as Dominant and submissive.  I know quite a few D/s couples who have children, and their family life usually resembles a typical family that one might find in America in the 50s, with the father as the absolute head of the household.  It is only after the children go to bed, and perhaps after Mom and Dad are in the privacy of their own bedroom, that the harder elements of the lifestyle come into play.

Now, you may well have the kind of personality that would serve you well if you choose the role of a lifestyle Dominant.  A man (or woman) can learn the forms and rituals of the lifestyle, as well as how to deal with the feelings that these actions bring to the surface.  And he can learn certain skills that will assist him in finding the right submissive for him, inspiring her submission, and then wisely and safely exerting his control.  But the base personality has to be there from the start.  If it is not, then the man will only find himself becoming more and more frustrated.

Think of a man who is gay.  He may feel certain urges as he is growing up, and he may also be exposed to parents who openly express their homosexuality.  One would hope that his parents, whatever their own orientation, would help him deal with his own emerging sexuality.  But I don't think anyone would agree with that child being forced to grow up gay, any more than they would with forcing him to grow up straight.  Now, this scenario isn't quite the same as a child who grows up with either dominant or submissive tendencies, but I hope you see what I'm getting at here.  

I would suggest that you spend some time in personal reflection, while studying what the BDSM lifestyle is all about, and determine for yourself if you are truly drawn to it and why.  Is it something you do just because this is what your parents did, and you don't know anything else?  Is it something you do to please them?  Or is it something you find fulfilling in itself?  I think it would be very helpful for you to ask a professional to help you in your self-discovery, to guide you and be there to help you deal with any feelings that may surface.  The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom maintains a database of Kink Aware professionals, and you might want to search there for someone who has intimate knowledge of the lifestyle and who will not judge you harshly or try to convince you that BDSM is evil.  (There are many counselors and psychologists out there who will, unfortunately.)  You can find this list at http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

Here are some other good sites for you to visit, to start your education about the lifestyle:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius