Expert: Lady Aryana - 3/10/2009

Question
So, I'm scared to ask my parents (in the Lifestyle as well) about this. I'm 20, and since I was eighteen I've been allowed free access to my parents library and their knowledge, and their friends knowledge, so over the last couple of years I've learned some good basics of the Lifestyle, and even though I'm submissive, I've taken the time to try and learn about how to use different toys, but also about topping. I was told it was the best way to avoid abuse.

Anyway, this has given me a good foundation to work on, and for the past couple of years I haven't really been active in the scene, nor played on an intimate level (basically just in a learning context) nor belonged to anyone. Well, about half a year ago I became friends with a man, and a few months ago we started having a more intimate relationship. He is inclined to topping, and at 26, inexperienced.

We've been reading together, talking to my parents and their friends, but he still feels like his knowledge is inferior and in some ways he isn't a good top for me because he feels I have more knowledge about the lifestyle than he does.  

I'm still new and very green to the scene. I know this, and I want him to understand it, and I also want to help him learn like he helps me learn. Sometimes I'm really terrified I'm topping from the bottom because I try to show him what I like, or because I try to do things he's into, but is still kind of skittish broaching in a physical aspect.

I guess I'm asking what to do. We generally communicate very well, but no matter how we try to talk about this one, we generally end the conversation still feeling off, and I know that he is someone I want to be with and explore the scene with, and I want to help him feel more comfortable in his own skin. He's got the intelligence, curiosity, and the honor to be an amazing dominant someday. I just don't want him to get discouraged, especially not because of me.


-MizzB

Answer
MizzB

I am glad to hear you have been allowed to explore the information your parents have and their friends. You are correct it is best to learn about topping, although this will not avoid abuse. The best way to do that is to know what you want, and not let anyone make you forget.

Abuse happens when you stop consenting to what ever it is you are doing. Or when actions are done out of anger and there is no way to stop what is going on.

As for talking with your parents about what is going on, I urge you to rethink this. No matter what help I can or will be able to give you it will not be as good as what your parents will be able to offer you. Cause not only do they know *you* they also know the man you are talking about.

Are you topping from the bottom? I don't think so, even when you try things he wants this is not topping, this is being submissive. Showing him what you enjoy is again not topping from the bottom as long as you are not limiting him to just what you enjoy. Here is some information on Topping from the bottom..

Topping from the bottom means you are trying to control what is going on.

another way to look at it is that submissive control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants.

Manipulation of the submissive to get the Dom to do what the submissive wants done, not to allow the Dom to do what he wants.

Telling the Dom to do things, putting her desires over that of the Dom's.

Here are some links to help you learn more..

http://www.bondage.com/which/138/show_column.html

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Topping_From_The_Bottom/

http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Bottom-(BDSM)


As for what you could do, have you ever talked or learned about contracts? I think this might be a good start for you.. Have him write out a contract which he feels he can follow and agree to a time period. Experience is a learned behavior and though you have a few yrs on him from what I understand, the final choice to learn and build this relationship is going to be his choice.

Let me also suggest having a Respected Dom from your community take him on as a mentor. This way your not showing him the ropes, which leaves you to be more submissive to him and at the same time, he wont feel like your experience is taking over.

One thing you both need to learn, is that each time you enter into any relationship its like starting fresh. It wont matter if your new to the lifestyle or been in it for 20+ yrs. As a submissive entering into a new relationship you have to relearn everything your new Dom wishes. And as a Dom you have to reteach the submissive what you want. So you both should remember this is a new starting point for you both, so you can both learn just what works for you and what doesn't.

I do not know what books you both have read but here are a list of the ones I think are good tools not just for the experienced but also for those entering into the lifestyle..

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle  by Jack Rinella and Joseph W. Bean

This is a good book which you both can learn from, although there is one aimed for the Master, its written by Jack and is called the Compleat Master.

Alot of other books can offer both you and him answers to questions which will come up in time.

Screw the roses, send me the thorns

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame

Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy

Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph W. Bean

If you both are able to get online, I would suggest checking out www.fetlife.com

There are groups there which you or him can turn to and get information not only on the things you already know but things you have questions on as well. You can also learn about events in your area and so forth.

Good luck and I hope things work out with you both.

Lady Aryana