Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/31/2009

Question
My wife and i have been married for 10 years.  Prior to our engagement we discovered our D/s relationship and mutual interests.  I've always know i was submissive and enjoyed bondage very much,  where as she has always been a sadist. We were totally compatible both in our D/s roles as we were in our vanilla roles.  For 5 years we lived pretty much 24/7.  We were even on staff at a local dungeon where we attended play parties and munches every weekend.  Life was wonderful.  Then my wife some how just lost interest in the lifestyle all together and severed everything BDSM out of our relationship. So we've been living vanilla, but my desire for submission is still there and is still longing to come out. I know i cant just maker her rejoin the kink side, but it has left a gaping whole inside me.

How do i cope with this.   Would it be too much to ask for a non sexual BDSM relationship with another Domme?  And how do I get my wife to understand again that i'm still very much in love with the lifestyle.

Thanks for your time..

wayne

Answer
Hello, Wayne,

I don't think there's anything wrong in asking if your wife would be comfortable if you developed a non sexual relationship with a dominant. Lots of people manage secondary BDSM relationships quite successfully. You could explain your continuing desire to her and, of course, offer for the two of you to negotiate the boundaries of this secondary relationship. If she agrees, consider yourself lucky and do everything you can to help her stay comfortable with the relationship. If she doesn't agree, be prepared to put your BDSM desires away.

Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking they must have BDSM and that's not really true. No matter what you and your wife decide, it will help you if you remember that BDSM is a want, not a need. People can, and do, give up active involvement in BDSM, even though they'd rather continue. We give up things for our relationships, our health, our careers, our safety. I'm sure you already have unfilled fantasies and interests. Had you not found a partner who shared your interest, BDSM could have become just become another one of those. If you understand it that way, it may make it easier for you if you have to continue without BDSM in your life.

You say you know you can't make your wife rejoin the kink side, which is both smart and respectful on your part. I don't know what caused her loss of interest in the first place. Sometimes it happens as a part of a person's development - something that was attractive before no longer is. But sometimes it's not so much a loss of interest as it is a perception of a problem. So, in talking with your wife,ask for any ideas she has about solving your problem. It could be she just needs something from you to become an active partner again or she may have another good idea to help you.

Good luck to you, Wayne.

Mistress Violette