Expert: CougarDomme - 3/31/2009

Question
Hello there. I am new to the whole D/s scene... I am 29/f/sub with a 54/M/Dom. I have a question for you but first I want to help you get familiar with myself and the relationship.  I met Master online (a music site) and we had hit it off and got to know each other very quickly. Soon after, I had learned Master was into the D/s lifestyle. That had always intrigued me and He told me that He could teach me if I wanted to be involved... I agreed after some reading and i feel that I am naturally a sub anyways...

We have been very serious with each other and have a wonderful time talking, going to the gym together and basically having fun. He takes care of me very well... we go grocery shopping together for healthy food, He helps with my car's expenses and everything when I come see Him.  He spoils me every weekend with everything I show even a little bit of interest in... (my "collar" is a $1,000 gold necklace but not too dressy that I cannot wear it everyday) We have a wonderful time... It is just like being married without the paperwork. :P  We are very VERY tight/close.

This is where my problem comes in-
I have many male friends (I am a tomboy) and Master does not like this but never said I cannot have male friends. He will say one day- I believe you are just friends with them, but when something happens or He is frustrated He will tell me I am the one being unfaithful and then jump to conclusions.

During chats online (at night when we dont see each other) He always tells me I am lagging in my replies and that I must be speaking to another male or boyfriend. This happens almost daily. I know my attention must be focused to Him but i have no idea how to make this better. He is very jealous and VERY protective. He also asked me to be more jealous of Him but I already trust Him-- Looks like He does not trust me at all. That is very sad because I am the most honest and loyal person out of all that I know.

Last night Master got very angry with me. I asked Him what time He needed to get up for work (it was 11PM) and I mentioned I was tired too... He told me online that it was ok that I go offline and sleep-- that He was still awake. I was replying back to Him and all of a sudden He wrote- Good night and went offline immediately.  I replied with a Good Night, I love you and went to bed.

About 10 mins later about 10 texts came into my phone about how I owe an apology and that I am trying to get rid of Him (and treating Him badly and how he thought I was his sub).  Basically He said if I mess up ONE more time, He is gone. I got a voicemail saying- You had better not do that to Me again.  I literally didnt know what to say and to NOT make it worse, I just said- Maybe we do not have to communicate online due to all of the miscommunication and lag... we can keep it to phone and texts...  The next text I got (in the morning) said- Do NOT TELL me what to do, that is my decision not yours and some other things. I felt so ashamed but for what? I did not do anything wrong but become tired and go to sleep but He had thought I was cheating or talking to another person. He KNOWS I love Him.

Basically what I want to say is- He will turn my words around in anyway he can (it seems) and start something with me and I am left there with my jaw open not even knowing what to say.

When we go through something like this- He will apologize over and over again for being so jealous and insecure. I end up apologizing as well but most of the time I do not think it is me.

I just got a text on my cell saying- So if I dont write to you first, you will not write me a text?    We did go back and forth on texts today but he seems to want more. I dont get a signal at my desk at work... His job is very busy and important and I dont want to keep him distracted all day... So i send little things here and there (like Picturemail- work safe, I might add).

I really do not know what to do. I feel like I am on a roller coaster... I dont know how much I can take. Did I mention that with all the talk of ME being unfaithful to Him, that He is cheating on His wife?  He is hoping she leaves him so we can start a life together... He will NOT leave any relationship but He seems to want to leave this one. I wont get into it about the marriage but lets leave it at-- its like having a roommate... they have seperated but lived in the same house for over 5 years now. Also, I am not the first "mistress" he has had... or whatever you want to call it.  He talks of getting married to me someday soon... I would love that but the jealous is killing us.

I just got a text with Him apologizing for being so hard on me... its just a roller coaster when we are APART. I dont know how much I can keep putting up with because it is not just my relationship that is stressing me out- its family and work as well. I have a lot of things going on here... Who doesn't?

Lately Master has told me that he wants me more clingy to Him... Jealous of the women that look at Him (and flirt with Him) in the gym (they do but I trust Him and therefore do not worry). Master would like me to show him I care more... tell Him that I care more about him... basically fill the gap that was missing in his marriage for YEARS now...  I try my hardest everyday to tell Him how much he means to me.

I do not feel any physical danger... I just feel very sad and embarrassed when He speaks down at me for things that are not even true. I DO NOT cheat. I love Him with all of my heart.

Please let me know what I can do... I am so lost... and hurt. Sorry for the long post. I really do not know what to do. Thank you so much for reading. I am so lost and have no one else to ask or talk to about this...

Thank you.

Answer
Get rid of him.  There's no future in loving a married man.  Having an affair when you are married is a huge no-no in the scene because everything we do is based on trust.  If he's seeing you on the side then he MUST be lying to her--and no master worthy of the title would cheat on his spouse--they might bring you into a poly household but they would not cheat because it violates the tenants of trust between the D/S and cannot be sustained.  Second, you ARE being abused by a much older man who is taking advantage of you in every way, he is inappropriately older and you are a novice sub--not that I think he's that much of a dom. You need to end this immediately.  One thing you need to be aware of is that a single female sub that is even halfway attractive can have her choice of any dom at the party so this is fueling his jealousy if he is a practicing member of the scene--he KNOWS you can replace him with someone who is younger and is also available.  Don't waste your life on a married man because he's a liar and a cheater and a man like that isn't worthy of the gift of your submission.  He doesn't have the right to collar you because he is collared to someone else--legally. Go to a munch and join a local group and meet someone who is worthy of you because this 'master' isn't, not by a long shot.  Verbal and emotional abuse is REAL abuse and a good dom/master doesn't do that--they want you to grow and be the best you can be.  Jealousy doesn't prove how much you love someone, it shows how insecure you are.  You are controlling the relationship, not him and he knows it.  Get rid of him--there's someone wonderful out there for you and it's NOT this lying cheater!