Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/24/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am very new at this and i have an online Master and i was wonding how do i apologize to him when i have upset him?????   And do u feel that online Don/Sub relationships work????   I am having areal had time giving my all to him, I am a very strong willed woman independant never allows a man to dominate me.. Him and I seem to be clashing a lot here.. Last night i did not feel i was getting the attention from him here online that i wanted so i said to him I will leave u now,and this morning i got an offline message from him saying he will leave me alone now, i didn't mean that what i meant was he seemed busy so i would go and let him do what he needs to do miscommunication, thats what i find on here a lot of that.. please help me i was just getting to know him and i don't want to lose him he is very kind upfront and respectful.. please help me thanks so much
(Precious) Shelley

ANSWER: Hello, Shelley,

You're right, it seems like there's a large amount of miscommunication in cyber space. Because we can't see expressions and hear tone of voice, we misinterpret the intentions behind the words, as happened here. I suggest you write to your dom and explain what you meant, just the way you wrote to me. Apologize for the miscommunication and say you hope the relationship can continue. I hope he'll be gracious about the situation. If not, this is probably someone you don't need to be involved with.

Online relationships of all kinds work but it's hard. Besides the communication problems we've already mentioned there's the frustration of just not being together. Also, it's easier to be open and share intimate thoughts and feelings with someone who isn't right in front of you. While that sounds like a big plus, it's not, because it can allow a relationship to move too far too fast and seem like more than it is. It depends on the honesty and commitment of the people involved. I believe in taking relationships offline as soon as possible. It's more genuine if the person accepts you "warts and all" when he or she can actually see the warts.

You say you're an independent, strong willed woman who never allows a man to dominate her. Which makes me wonder why you're trying to make that happen with this man. This isn't to say that submissive people should be doormats. I think it's important that people who want to submit be strong willed and independent in other areas of their lives. But there are people who believe that submission is the only option for women and that's just not true. So, before you offer your submission to this man, please be sure that's what you truly want to do.

Good luck to you, Shelley,

Mistress Violette


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Mistress Violette:

My Master,and I had an excellent chat last night,and things are much better.... It seems I was not addressing him properly,and with my stubborness I was not allowing myself to be at my fullest with him.. The reason why we cannot take our relationship offline is because we live so far apart,and it is just not fesable..   Your response to my questions have been just great thanks so very much for having this site as well as u to be there for us newbies lol... At first I was scared to death of this but loved the challenge,and my Master told me I am not a challenge, he wants me to be the best I can be in my own life and reach hieghts i have never acheived before.... My biggest thing is the trust. I am consantly asking him if there is anyothers and he keeps saying no how do I get past this as well????    He told me from day 1 that I was the only one cause it take so much time and effort that he doesnot have it to give to others,but again on here how do I know.... I will stop whinning now and wait for your answers thnx again and keep up the great work..  Mistress...
Shelley

Answer
Hello, Shelley,

People find it hard to trust when they don't feel secure in the relationship. Has he done anything to make you think he's not trustworthy? If so, have an honest, but not accusing, talk with him about it. You'll probably find it's another misunderstanding.

In all likelihood, though, you won't be able to put your finger on anything he's done that left you feeling insecure. You're new to BDSM and still figuring things out. It's natural that not everything is falling into place easily, but it probably is making it hard for you to learn to trust.

You're going to need to make an effort to understand that it's your issues that are driving this. After all, "on here" how does he know? Yet he's chosen to trust you. If he's given you no cause for concern, you have to do the same for him. Pay attention to the positive things that happen, the things he does that make you feel valued and cherished. When you wonder about him having others, if you have no evidence for that, remind yourself of the positive things and to stop dwelling on the negative.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette