Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/17/2009

Question
My husband and I have recently discovered that we like D/s and have been doing scenes and playtime at home for a little while now. We haven’t been doing this long, but he has been able to put me into subspace since our second scene and without alot of effort on his part. Last night I was there before he ever really touched me. We experimented with pain play last night to a higher degree than we have in the past and when the scene was over I was shaking uncontrollably and was sort of shocky. It wasn't unpleasant for me at all, quite the opposite, but it scared him. He's now saying that he's not sure he ever wants to top me again. I don't know what it looks like from his perspective. I was coherent, but out of it. He had to help me up and to the bathroom, I was pretty weak. In the past, subspace was not as much of a physical reaction. He also mentioned that he's kind of put off that it all seemed to be about me last night with the subspace trip, aftercare etc. I don't know, I think that maybe he just doesn't like delivering the pain as much as I like receiving it. We aren't set in the D/s roles. We've only been doing this for a few months and it's only in the bedroom. We're not interested in anything beyond that. I sort of get the feeling that he doesn't enjoy it as much as he did in the beginning. Part of the draw for him is the anticipation and the build up. I'm not sure he's getting that anymore now that we've experimented further. I guess I just want him to be okay with it and it seems like he's not anymore. Is there anyway I can help him process what happened last night? I'm not above even switching so that he can see what it's like to be on my end. He's expressed being a bit envious of my strong reactions. I guess I just need some advice.

Answer
Hello, Heather,

The kind of reaction you had isn't uncommon but, to a newcomer seeing it for the first time, it could cause a lot of concern. Props to your husband for knowing how to handle it and, it seems, doing it well. You might follow up on that, thanking him for his care and attention to detail. That would give you a natural opening to ask him about his reactions and to continue to reassure him. You probably looked worse off than you were and it might help him to hear again that you were okay.

There are times when BDSM has to be about the sub. In fact, I've heard subs complain that sometimes it was too much about them. I don't think a dominant should stint when it comes to safety (which includes after care) but being responsible is different than not being the center of attention. Most dominants consider responsibility part of the territory and enjoy things like after care, because it's a different kind of intimacy. That applies mostly to power exchange relationships, though. If your husband is doing this purely for what it adds to your sex life, it stands to reason he might feel cheated. In that situation it would mean he was in this for the sexual fun rather than the high of power exchange. Neither of these is better or more acceptable than the other. It's just that unhappiness can happen if people don't know why they're doing BDSM. It might be worth it for you to ask your husband exactly what he gets and wants from this. Compare his answer to your own and negotiate so that you are both getting satisfaction from the relationship.

Another thing to consider is that your husband may not enjoy giving pain as much as you enjoy receiving it. Whether you're doing this as power exchange or kinky sex, you both have to be clear about what does, and doesn't, work for each of you. Things that don't match can then be negotiated.

Switching will work if you're both open to it. By that I mean, he has to want to sub in order to know what submission feels like. If he's going through the motions and doesn't have the desire, he won't be able to learn anything. And you won't be a very effective dom, or help him experience submission, if you don't know what you're doing and want the experience.

Sounds like it's time to renegotiate. It's natural for people to make new discoveries about themselves as they progress in BDSM. It seems like that happened for the two of you last night. It usually requires discussion and sometimes, changes. It probably won't be the last time this happens and that's a good thing.

Good luck and have fun,

Mistress Violette