Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/10/2009

Question
I am a happily married female. Currently, I find myself interested and exploring the idea of having a F/F b/d relationship with me as the sub. I am confused. I am not attracted to any other man. This is only toward women. I have no judgement or moral issue with f/f just that I am in a committed relationship and do not proatice polyomy and feel stepping out would not be acceptable to me or my husband. My husband is caring and kind and is not into b/d although he will spank my butt once and awhile. Is this common at my age...50? And do you have any ideas what I can do to elivate these thoughts. We do talk, but I have not been clear regarding this.
50 and in a mid-life crisis!

Answer
Hello, Cynthia,

I've known or heard of a number of women who discovered an interest in BDSM in their forties and fifties. I suspect there are a number who discover other facets of their sexuality at the same age, too. Some of it comes with the changes that happen in women's bodies at that age. I think the confidence and comfort with themselves women get as they mature contributes to it, too. For whatever reason, you're not alone and it's great that you're willing to explore and experience new things.

I think you're wise not to consider stepping out. It sounds like you have a happy and solid relationship with your husband. It's possible there are ways to handle these new ideas that won't jeopardize what you've built.

These new thoughts are different from anything you've experienced before, so they must seem a little scary. But odds are this is no different than being interested in trying new positions or playing different roles. There are people, often called lifestylers, who want the power exchange dynamic to be prevalent in their lives. I don't think that's what you want, though. It sounds like you're looking for spice and adventure with a BDSM twist. Maybe you can find that at home.

You say you haven't been clear with your husband regarding this. What might alleviate this problem is for you to get clear in your own mind what you want. Give yourself permission to read, to gather information and to day dream. Try to figure out exactly what excites you because I'm wondering if maybe you can get that from your husband. I suspect it will turn out that what excites you isn't dependent on the sex of the dominant. If so, you can present your desires to your husband as just that, desires in the bedroom. There's no need to talk about dominance and submission, just tell him the kind of sexy games you'd like to play. Even if you can only get him to fulfill some of your dreams, you might find it satisfies the craving. And, who knows, you might discover untapped interests in him, too.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette