Expert: Master Shadow - 3/10/2009

Question
So, I'm scared to ask my parents (in the Lifestyle as well) about this. I'm 20, and since I was eighteen I've been allowed free access to my parents library and their knowledge, and their friends knowledge, so over the last couple of years I've learned some good basics of the Lifestyle, and even though I'm submissive, I've taken the time to try and learn about how to use different toys, but also about topping. I was told it was the best way to avoid abuse.

Anyway, this has given me a good foundation to work on, and for the past couple of years I haven't really been active in the scene, nor played on an intimate level (basically just in a learning context) nor belonged to anyone. Well, about half a year ago I became friends with a man, and a few months ago we started having a more intimate relationship. He is inclined to topping, and at 26, inexperienced.

We've been reading together, talking to my parents and their friends, but he still feels like his knowledge is inferior and in some ways he isn't a good top for me because he feels I have more knowledge about the lifestyle than he does.

I'm still new and very green to the scene. I know this, and I want him to understand it, and I also want to help him learn like he helps me learn. Sometimes I'm really terrified I'm topping from the bottom because I try to show him what I like, or because I try to do things he's into, but is still kind of skittish broaching in a physical aspect.

I guess I'm asking what to do. We generally communicate very well, but no matter how we try to talk about this one, we generally end the conversation still feeling off, and I know that he is someone I want to be with and explore the scene with, and I want to help him feel more comfortable in his own skin. He's got the intelligence, curiosity, and the honor to be an amazing dominant someday. I just don't want him to get discouraged, especially not because of me.


-MissB

Answer
The feeling of "Topping" isn't new in these instances. The reason He feels inferior is due to His lack of actual experience in this area. Explain to Him, or even show Him this answer, if you feel that it is necessary.

He needs to be more relaxed and open to the idea of learning FROM His sub, as well as learning His sub. There is nothing wrong with being shown what makes your world rock, as far as the Lifestyle is concerned. Hell, I learned quite a bit from my slave, Dancer, and will most likely continue to do so over the years.

I've been doing this my whole adult life, and like you, come from a Lifestyle family, and I'm STILL learning, and will continue to learn till the day I die. One learns from whoever knows, whether they are Dominant, submissive, slave, or even in some cases vanilla. Knowledge is just that, knowledge, regardless of where it comes from.

I would say it's time for another heart to heart with Him, explaining that learning to be a Dominant comes as much from the slave or sub as it does from other Dominants. Explain how you feel about Him, as well as what you feel He is capable of, and let Him KNOW that you want to spend your time as His.

The feeling of Topping will leave over time. Right now, you are mentoring Him, in many respects, and that is a good thing. To be taught by someone who has the basics is the core of learning the Lifestyle. Once He has the basics down, and knows what you as His sub like, He'll do better, and once He has a few successful scenes under His belt, will feel more confidant.

The fact that Y/you're both trying is a good sign. It shows that there is something there to work with in the first place, and that neither of Y/you are willing to just walk away, when there's so much to be gained from working through this. I'm sure the T/two of Y/you will do well once past this point. Remind Him that He won't always feel this way, and that His confidence will grow with time and experience. It is the way of it.

I wish B/both of Y/you the best in Y/your Journey into the Lifestyle. Feel free to contact me further if you have more questions, or need further clarification.



                                           SINcerely in Leather,
                                           Master Shadow.