Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/13/2009

Question
Dear Miss Violette: Im new in BDSM, im a dom, i find a sub online no trained before, i get so nervous when he want to chat me first time but i know that a real dom need to have self control so i stay calm and start chat with him. He is so perfect and im very excited about, everything goes right, i really need to know if this is normal, this feeling that i have inside when i talk to him, also he ask me waiting him because he is not prepared to have a cam session, i get little angry because his disobedience, i dont know if i would tolerate this or not. Because im new i dont know a lot of things, i also have another doubt, could you explain me what kind of sexual behavior are allowed between sub and dome?... thanks

Answer
Hello, Gabriela,

I'm glad you're asking for advice now, as you're just getting started. Knowing that you don't know is good and taking the initiative to find out is even better. I hope I can give you some answers as well as some resources for finding more.

It's very normal to feel excited, and nervous, when you're just starting out. The nervousness will get less as you gain experience but I hope you always feel excitement when you meet a potential new submissive. Each one is interesting, unique and presents wonderful possibilities. I'd be concerned if you weren't experiencing a flutter of pleasure and joy.

Gabriela, you've just met this man. You haven't gotten to know each other nor have you negotiated a BDSM relationship. He's not being disobedient, he's giving you information you need to know. Please don't think that dominance means instant obedience or that you should be annoyed at every little thing that doesn't go your way. Dominants and submissives are people, BDSM is a relationship and your personalities remain the same. Take things slow, learn more about BDSM and get to know him before trying to be his dominant.

That leads into your question about the kind of sexual behavior between a domme and sub. The answer is, whatever makes you comfortable. Some dominant women prefer not to have sex with submissives ever. At the other end of the scale are doms and subs who have committed romantic relationships. Like almost everything else with BDSM there are no hard and fast rules, it's what works for you.

I suspect you're going to have more questions very soon. I'm going to suggest you do some exploring before you go much farther with this potential submissive. You don't want to get in over your head, which would be difficult for both of you. It can happen quickly to a new dominant who hasn't taken the time to learn about BDSM. Here are three sites that are very helpful:
http://www.akashaweb.com/
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://sexuality.org/search.php (search for BDSM)
Please visit and explore. You'll find answers to questions you didn't even know you had ad you'll get help to become comfortable, and competent, as a dominant.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette