Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/3/2009

Question
I am a fairly new sub, in a new D/s relationship of under three months. Twelve days ago, Sir told me He may be coming over in the morning to use me...then there was been no communication since. Two days ago i received a txt message that Sir has been out of country, is coming home and desires me. He has been in contact since. There has been other times where Sir has also said that He may want to use me, where i prepare myself (ie:ensure i am clean) and Sir does not show up, nor communicate cancellation. A Dom friend of mine suggested i stop seeing Him. What is be best way to address this concern, given that i not only feel 'parked' but that this seems disrespectful.

In gratitude of Your expert advise,
subshirl

Answer
Hi, Shirley,

This certainly is unusual behavior. We keep saying how important communication is in a relationship because it's true. Being out of touch for an extended period is inappropriate, as is not tending to your emotional needs. It sounds like this man thinks dominance means being inconsiderate and irresponsible. I think you suspect he's lacking in both BDSM and interpersonal skills. Based on just this information, I'm thinking you're on the right track.

Part of being a dominant is looking out for the health of your submissive. Leaving you to wonder where he is and what's happening with him is detrimental to you. It's possible that something out of his control happened once but this seems to be a pattern. It's his job to let you know what's happening and he seems to be doing the opposite, deliberately. You're not wrong to feel either parked or disrespected.

This man probably is not the dom for you. Your friend's advice seems right on track. Don't be afraid to follow it if it resonates with you. Very few people find their ideal partner on the first try. In fact, BDSM or not, nature designed finding a partner to be a process. There's nothing wrong with cutting your losses and moving on in the process. That's how we learn and develop.

If you'd feel better giving it one more shot, you could try talking with him about this, in case he's not aware of the negative effects this behavior has on you. It's possible he just needs his consciousness raised. My guess is he'll tell you that, as a submissive, you have to endure whatever he does. If so, you'll know he doesn't have the skills to properly manage a BDSM relationship.

You seem intelligent and thoughtful, Shirley. Although this may be a set back for you, I think it will be temporary and, when the dust settles, you'll be fine.

Mistress Violette