Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/5/2009

Question
I have been dating this man for now a few months and we're
both dominant and neither one of us are switches. We just
decided that we weren't going to play because neither one
of us will switch and both of us are sadists. Last night he
wanted to go to a Fetish party and had brought his toys
with him and I told him I really had no desire to go, he
ended up not going.

I have no problem with him playing etc, I just don't really
want to be included. I told him if I saw him hurt another
female, that it would change my opinion of him and I
wouldn't like him anymore. I also feel that its too
intimate of an activity to see so early on in our
relationship. He was even saying that we could both
dominate a woman together but I don't feel a strong need to
dominate women as much, being a dominant female myself.

Is this an intimacy issue of mine? Any Advice?

Answer
Hi, Tabitha,

This is an interesting situation. I wish I had a definitive answer for you but I don't. What I can do is suggest some possibilities for you to consider.

Do you have the same objection to watching the play of other dominants you know? If so, you might want to give some thought to just how comfortable you actually are with sadism or female submission or both. If you're a strong feminist yourself with no submissive tendencies it's sometimes hard to reconcile the notion of female submission and your own beliefs.

If you have the discomfort with others but don't have any issues with accepting sadism or female submission, it could be just a matter of preference. BDSM is wonderfully compelling and engaging when you're involved in it but it's not always that way for the audience.

If it turns out you're uncomfortable watching only this man or playing along side him, you're right about some possible reasons. It could be the newness of the relationship but, for BDSM people, getting to know about each other's BDSM style is as much a part of the process as getting to know each other's political leanings or food preferences. You know he's a sadist but you need to know more; how he plays can tell you about him as a person. If you're reluctant to learn this, it could be an intimacy issue on your part. It could also be a concern about his character, warranted or not. It could be that it's your style to go slow and you're just not comfortable going there yet.

My suggestion is that you have an honest talk with yourself to figure out exactly where your reluctance is coming from. No matter what the reason, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Since you're ok with him playing on his own, this isn't inconveniencing him. It's also probably not detrimental to the development of the relationship. It looks like this is something you'd like to resolve, though, which I think is wise. I hope I've given you some help and direction in figuring that out.

Mistress Violette