Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/2/2009

Question
Hi,
Recently, I started a D/s relationship with my "friend with benefits" and we're still exploring and trying to find all the info we can, so I was glad to find this site. He and I have been friends for a long time, but we only became "friends with benefits" a couple or so years ago.

Anyway,
First of all, I was wondering if there was a need to be collared(since we're not romantically involved)at all? I mean, it would be neat and all if he collared me, and he knows how I feel about it, but all we can find about collaring is how some people consider it more like a wedding ring. Which isn't what we want. And if it's perfectly fine to collar me anyway, is a collaring ceremony necessary?  I can't find one online that's not formal, but I'd kinda like to do one that's meaningful to us, but not sound like a wedding ceremony!

Also, I have asked him to "name" me, but all he can come up with is silly names..! :-D I'd like something a little serious, at least for just while we're in the scene, but he's not having much luck at coming up with something,at least right now. Any pointers?

Thank you for reading,
Suze.

Answer
Hi, Suze,

It's great you and your friend are exploring and learning together! An important thing to keep in mind as you do this is that there are lots of variations within the BDSM community. What's right for some doesn't work for others, so not everyone does BDSM the same way.

You're right, a collar is like a wedding ring to some people. That's because those people are in a committed relationship and want a symbol to express that commitment. A collar can mean many things, though. To some it emphasizes the difference in status or is an outward manifestation of the power exchange. To some it signals that a scene is in progress. To some it's a piece of BDSM equipment. It means what the partners want it to mean. As long as you and your partner are clear about what it means to the two of you, and the meaning is agreeable to both, there's no reason why you shouldn't have a collar, even though you're not in a traditional relationship. A collaring ceremony isn't necessary. Have one only if the two of you would find it meaningful. Design it the way you want it and use the words that express what the collar means in your relationship. If don't want a ceremony, your partner can collar you in the way that fits best with your individual play.

There are no rules for slave names, either. Not everyone uses them. Some people find they add meaning to the power exchange, others find them confusing. Some people use regular names, some people use other words or make up a name. My guess is he's over thinking this. He should pick something he likes and you need to accept his choice. That's part of what submission is about.

You might want to pick up a copy of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It's an older book but still spot on for people learning about BDSM.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette