Expert: arani_CsA - 4/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi:

I just resently became a sub to a Master here online about 1 month ago, a lot has happened in this first month... This is all just online my Master told me from day 1 that we will never meet, why because I guess he was into a personal dom/sub relationship and from what i gather it has a lot to do with his wife.. anyways i just last night accepted the roll of being his sub in all areas sinse i said commited to him his attituded has changed.  he is constantly saying don't disappoint me whats with that other then he maybe insecure some... i am confused on what all he wants from me...   please clearify what a sub is expected to do for Master????  I am very confused....  What would he expect from me in a journal he has also wants from me..

Thanks so much for answering me...

Shelley

ANSWER: Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First, I'm not sure how much you know or have learned about the BDSM lifestyle, so please excuse me if I tell you something you already know.  You may be aware that relationships in the lifestyle encompass a broad spectrum, ranging from couples who just enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom to those who crave a total Master/slave relationship (like my husband and I).  And there are a lot of variations in between.  Some people like to engage in S/m play, others are not at all interested in that and have a more service-oriented relationship.

Submissives actually have a lot of control over what form a relationship takes, as opposed to slaves who have almost none.  Some people talk about the "gift of submission," which means that the sub is the one who decides what Dominant is worthy of her.  (I'm not sure I subscribe to this line of thought.)  But submissives are entitled to limits, or are allowed to specify forms of service they will not be commanded to provide.  For some, that might mean they won't do anal play, or won't cut their hair.  For others, it might mean that they won't be commanded to have sex with someone for the pleasure of their Dom.  For still others, it might mean that they will only serve their Dominants every other Saturday when the kids are visiting their father, or that their service will be strictly on-line.  These are all things that should be determined BEFORE the collar goes on, after a period of negotiation between the Dominant and the prospective sub.  

Often, a D/s relationship will be formalized with a contract.  This is something that is drawn up before the collar goes on, and is signed by both Dominant and submissive, often in the presence of witnesses.  While this is not legally binding, it does give some structure to the relationship.  A contract will specify exactly what is expected of the submissive, and what her limits will be.  It also specifies the responsibilities of the Dominant.  (Yes, a Dom has a lot of responsibility in the relationship.  He doesn't just get to sit back and have some willing slut at his beck and call.)  Often a contract will be for a set period, and will be re-negotiated at the end of that period.  This can serve to protect both Dom and sub, and can be a way out of the relationship if needs are not being met.

You mentioned that you will only be serving your Dominant on line.  That's not an unusual arrangement -- I had two on-line Masters before I met my current Master, who later became my husband.  (By the way, I use the term Master to denote the owner of a slave, and Dominant to refer to the owner of a submissive.  Others do differently.)  You will want to specify whether he has the power to command you to do anything off-line.  Otherwise, you may find yourself surprised the day he commands you to quit your job and move closer to him.  

You also mentioned that your Dom is married.  Bear in mind that a D/s relationship is just as binding and just as significant as a marriage, only without the ring.  If his wife isn't approving of his extra-curricular activities, you may well find yourself being drawn into the middle of a divorce.  Speaking from a strictly personal viewpoint, I made the decision early on to never take the collar of a married man, because I considered that to be adultery on his part.  (Now, your beliefs may be different, and I'm not going to try to convince you on this point.)

As for the concept of not disappointing your Dom, this is something that is inherent in many M/s relationships and some D/s ones.  A slave is not a wife or a girlfriend.  She is property, just like a dog or a car.  Her actions reflect on the ability of her Master to control her; if she misbehaves, then that means her Master has not done a good job of training her.  Think about how you feel if your dog does his business in your neighbor's yard.  While your neighbor may well yell at your dog, he will also most likely give you a piece of his mind and question why you haven't done a better job of controlling your dog.  If you find this humiliating, or you try to train your dog not to do this again, it doesn't mean you are insecure.  It means you care enough about your dog to want him to look good.

A journal is a very common thing that Doms and Masters require of their subs and slaves.  He is the owner of not just your body, but your very thoughts and feelings.  To know how best to control you, he needs to know what you think and how you feel.  It's just one more way of showing you that you have no privacy as far as he's concerned.  

I suggest that you spend some time learning more about the D/s lifestyle, so that you can better understand this relationship that you find yourself involved in.  If you like, discuss what you learn with your Dom, and see what his opinion on these things is.  (If he is preventing you from such exploration, then this should be a red flag that he doesn't care about your growth and education.)

Here are some good places to start your education:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly.. I appreciate u taking the time to help me...  I see now that I am not in anyway in ameaningful relationship as far as boyfriend girlfriend thing and i think that is how i was seeing it... I feel that i am just here with him then for a playtoy when he wants me and for a control package that he has power over...   I see now where u said that the journal is helpful to him... Does this mean that I have more say then I think in this????   I was also wondering is it unrealistic for me to think that I want to do the utmost to please him and be the best girl he has ever had or am I setting the goal for myself to high and I will be the one that is hurt in the end????   He tells me all the time that my feelings and thoughts mean a lot to him because without them he would not know my likes and dislikes.... Why do u fel is attitude changed with me once i accepted this roll i felt like he done a 180 in his tone before that he was sweet and i felt the connection with him then i feel he is being bossy and distant and all these rules now?????   I do have huge trust issues especially with men but he says he sees me that i have come along ways in a short time so i do feel he does have my emotions in my best interest....  I appreciate the other sites i will look them up.. like i said it is all very confusing to me still, and my Master keeps telling me to let go and give my mind to him,but i feel it stems from childhood were my dad was so controling at home... I have also not heard of anything from my Master about a collar i did ask him about it once but he said that was not for us sinse we are not on a physical level.... I will let u go now and thnx so much for your prompt answer back... I am so sure u will hear from me again soon.

Shelley...  ps why the asian names he wants for me????? he gave me the name at first precious but he said sinse i have commited to him he will only use precious if I make him happy... to me this is a lot of pressure or am i over reacting????? I am a strong thinker.....

Answer
Hello...

I'm glad I was able to help you with my previous answer.  It's also fortunate that I have the day off from my job and am able to spend some extra time at the computer.

I'm afraid i have to say that this man is giving you a lot of information that conflicts with what I have learned about the BDSM lifestyle in the last 10 years or so.  I'm not sure if he is uneducated himself, when it comes to what BDSM is all about, or if he is intentionally misleading you, but I would be very cautious about committing yourself to this man.

First of all, if he has not collared you, then you are not bound to him in any way.  There is no formal relationship, and he has no power to command you.  There are some people in the lifestyle who have the mistaken impression that a collar is something to be earned, after a slave or a submissive has demonstrated sufficient training or is found to be deserving in some way.  However, this runs contrary to my own beliefs.  

It sounds like what you are intersted in is a play-partner, or someone you can play with when the mood strikes.  This is something that is fairly common in the BDSM world -- it's kind of like having a f***-buddy, or a "friend with benefits."  There are many people (Tops and bottoms) who meet up at munches, or who interact with each other on line, who enjoy a nice session of flogging or rope bondage, or some exciting cybersex, who have no commitment to each other.  Of course, this means that there is no exclusive relationship either.  That means that they are free to play with whomever they want, whenever they want.  And the top has no power to command the bottom.

As for your desire to be pleasing, and to be "the best girl he ever had," that is exactly what a good submissive is supposed to feel.  Most submissives (men and women) are motivated by a strong desire to be controlled to some extent, and to be found pleasing by one or more persons.  Most submissives and slaves work very hard to learn what their Masters want, and what qualities they find pleasing, and then studiously work on providing exactly that, or even transforming themselves physically and/or emotionally.  This is just the start of a long period of self-exploration, and discovering what it is that drew you to this lifestyle, as well as what you ultimately want out of it.  If you don't want to be the property of one man, for his exclusive usage, that's fine.  But you need to be up-front with yourself, first of all, and with your prospective Master, about this.

As to why his attitude may have changed, think about most men you have known -- BDSM or no.  When they are trying to woo you, they often can be very romantic and charming, and work hard to show themselves off to their best light or make you think they're what you want in a man.  Then, all of a sudden, they change.  These are the men to look out for.  Any man who acts one way to catch you, and then acts a different way once he has you, should be viewed with caution.  This goes for a Dominant or Master, as much as for a "vanilla" boyfriend or husband.  

I want to reinforce my earlier statement about a collar.  A collar has nothing to do with whether a relationship is physical or not.  A collar is merely a way of showing the rest of the BDSM community (and reminding you as well) that you belong to him and him alone, and that no one else has the right to command you in anything.  There are a good many slaves and submissives who do not have a sexual relationship with their owner, even when their relationship is off-line.  I'll say it again....a collar has nothing to do with sex.  A collar has everything to do with commitment.  

It sounds like what your Master wants is a slave, and not a submissive, without the responsibilities and obligations that go along with that.  A good Master will be very protective of his property, and have only her best interests at heart.  He will want to shield her from harm, nurture her, and help her become a better person as well as a better slave.

Part of what goes along with owning a slave is the ability to give her whatever name you want.  My own Master gave me a new name, once the collar went on and he was in full ownership of my being.  It's like when you buy a dog, you get to name that dog whatever you want.  With a submissive, this is something that should be entirely negotiable.

I think you need to spend a lot of time learning about the lifestyle, and about what you want out of it, before you commit yourself to anyone.  Play with this man, certainly, but don't give him any power over you that you are not ready to give up.  Any man can call himself a Master; only a few are able to understand what it means to be one, and to do it well.

It's not at all out of the question for you to ask this man about his experiences in the lifestyle.  How long he has been practicing BDSM, how many submissives/slaves he has owned in the past, where he learned about it and has he ever done it off line.  What does his wife think about his activities, or does she even know about them?  Personally, i have a lot of doubts about a man who claims he is a Master and then runs like a scared kitten when his wife walks in the room.  A true Master must be able to control himself before he can control anyone else.

Again, good luck to you, and please feel free to contact me any time.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius