Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/12/2009

Question
I am 36 years old man , and I met a 41 year old woman on an online game. She was very slow and cautious in revealing information about her lifestyle and living situation. During that time we  had casual conversation, and I grew to fall in love with her solely , but was getting "little  hints" that she had a room mate, or live in bf or husband . I just didn't know  what category he was in. After finding this out, I was possibily fine with it , because we are on opposite sides of the country. Then after delving more into subjects and talking of terminology I found out i wouldn't be the "primary", which is very hard for me to take. After finding out I would be the secondary to her husband of 11 years, and would be relagated to bdsm play at her house , or have her Dom sit and watch any play interaction at the club they frequent, my feelings of hurt grow. The thing is, I love HER deeply and don't want to lose HER or HER  relationship with me. And we have gone to far in the relationship, for me to go to a "friend zone". I really wanna make this work , between us, but is it the long distance , the thrusting of all her rules and protocols, the not taking my feelings of the rules into account or what.
My question is: How do I resolve or get in check my feelings of jealousy for not being her  primary, even though I fell in love with her before having the complete story. And then having her primary be a husband and not just a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think I could stand it more if he was just a boyfriend. PLease help me , I've cried to much over not being able to handle this.

Answer
Hello, Chris,

This is a difficult situation for you and it's no wonder you're feeling the way you are. On the other hand, you're actively taking steps to help yourself, which is a good sign. You're going to have to make some hard choices, possibly with more tears, but you're smart and tough and you will get through this.

And because I think you're smart and tough, I'm not going to candy coat this. Your choices boil down to accepting what she offers or changing the relationship significantly. Those may not be the options you want but, in the circumstances, they're pretty fair choices.

It doesn't sound like this woman led you on; you knew there was someone else in her life. You never actually had a chance of being her primary relationship. This is something you wanted and hoped for but she didn't offer you that. It's not wrong to want that type of relationship. In this case, though, that's not possible. You need to face and accept that first.

Then you need to decide if you can be happy with what she does offer. You've mentioned some things and you need to consider them, because they could be red flags for you. It doesn't sound like the distance barrier is going to change. Think about whether you really want to close off some, or all, of your other relationship options for someone you can't see or touch during your most intimate moments. You would be closing them off for someone who already has rules and protocols and who can't modify them for you. Also, if I'm understanding correctly, you would be closing them off for someone you haven't yet met face to face. Even if this woman has been careful to tell you about herself warts and all, you've still built a concept of her in your mind that's going to be very different from the 3D person. Maybe you don't want to continue to invest intense emotion in this relationship. This is not to say that the relationship is wrong, just that the true problem may be different than how you're defining it.

You can't change her circumstances, Chris; the only ones you can control are your own. It's up to you to look at options realistically and select the one, however imperfect, that is going to make you happiest in the long run. That could mean dialing back your involvement with this person, ending it altogether or accepting the relationship as it is. I'm sorry I can't tell you how to make it better instantly. I hope I've given you some direction about how to make it better in the long run.

Mistress Violette