Expert: Master Shadow - 4/23/2009

Question
QUESTION: Master Shadow,

i read with interest Your answer to an earlier question about earning a collar back, but was disappointed that You didn't go on to answer the question in general. Obviously, her/his situation warranted Your intelligent and caring answer. However, i am in a different situation and would like to hear Your thoughts on earning my collar back.

my Master collared me a few weeks ago, knowing that i have very little knowledge of the lifestyle. i've been reading and researching and following his instructions as best as i can, but i still make mistakes (naturally). At the end of last week, i went through a few days of resistance that led to some identity drift. First, Master told me to keep His pussy shaved. i explained to Him that my skin is very sensitive and asked if i could get laser treatments instead. He said yes. i shaved for Him that night and all was well. i set up the laser treatments. i failed, however, to tell Master that i had set up the appointments. A few days later He checked on me and was furious that i hadn't kept His pussy shaved. i explained about the appointment and He rightly pointed out that i should have told Him. i recognized my mistake and agreed that i was wrong. That night i slept on the floor because i had forgotten my place. Fair enough. The next day i got into trouble again... Master has restricted my time on Facebook to help me finish my schoolwork. i failed to control myself and went way over the time limit. When He called me on it, i stammered around and explained my logic - which truly was splitting hairs and i deserved to be punished for that. To make matters worse, i kept on arguing my point! Master instructed me to take off my collar and place it in a drawer until such time as He thinks i am truly ready to wear it. To say this breaks my heart is an understatement... well, i'm sure You understand how deeply that hurts.

OK so here's the thing. i didn't realize that i was going through some resistance when i was acting this way. In retrospect, i blatantly rejected His orders and have rightly gotten in trouble. i have done a lot of soul searching over the last few days and made major strides in finding my slave identity and overcoming some old hangups. i journal these thoughts to Him everyday in the morning and He reads them each day. Since these incidents, He has not responded to any of my journal entries, He has not issued any further instructions, and has basically ignored me. That's His prerogative of course.

But i want and need His collar back so much... every moment that goes by without it is suffocating. i feel lost without that warm leather snugly pressing against my throat. i don't know what to do to convince Him of my shame and of how sorry i am... and that i realize now what i was going through and have grown from it. What more can i do? is there more i can do?

-His

ANSWER: I am very familiar with the situation you find yourself in. I have been there myself in my past, pretty much the same way, too. Resistance to change, resistance to Her orders, resistance to even my own feelings inside. This IS a time of learning, and introspection. I know this time is hard to go through, but I feel it is EXACTLY the feelings your Master wants you to feel.

There comes a time when self inspection is necessary, not for your Master's benefit, but for yours. Now is the time to be honest with your feelings, which, from what I've read here is exactly what you are doing.

In my opinion, your Master did the right thing, not uncollaring you, but restricting you from your collar, until you work through your past issues. If there are things from your past that you need help overcoming, explain this to your Master. Explain that you understand why He has done what He has done, but that in these few areas, you actually NEED His help to overcome those issues, that you may be more pleasing to Him in the end.

I recently recollared a slave. Her contract had run out, and was up for review. In my House, I leave the slave three days to consider their actions, feelings, and desires before offering the next contract. It is a hard time for the slave, who even though still wears a collar of consideration, is without her actual collar for three days. At the end of the three days, the collaring ceremony is performed, with the slave having a journal as to what she had learned thus far, and what she can offer the House, and her Master.
It is a time of learning, and self inspection. It also gives the slave a chance to talk to Me about things in a more relaxed setting, and much can be worked through this way.

Were I you, I would speak with your Master, and tell Him the things you have written here, where you asked for advice on how to become better, and more suited to your position. Let Him know how this has affected you, and how deeply. Explain that you have indeed done some introspection, and see clearly where you were having the problems, and what you have done to alleviate those problems.

As to being lost, you are definitely NOT lost. I feel that your Master cares for you deeply, or He wouldn't have gone through all of this trouble in the first place. He would have just uncollared you, and been done with it. Trust in your Master, and trust that He has your best interests in mind, even when He punishes you.

His, this is not something your Master could fix. It had to be done by you, or nothing would have been accomplished. He could have told you all of this, but the lesson would not have been effective if He had. This was something you yourself NEEDED to experience. It made you reconsider your actions, and think about how much that Collar means to you. You learned. I am proud of you, for having come this far so soon into the lifestyle.

Feel free to show your Master this question/answer on this site. Let Him see how much this has affected you, and then show yourself as worthy of the collar you so desperately need back.

Best of wishes to you, and your Master. May the T/two of Y/you have great success in the lifestyle.


         SINcerely in Leather,
         Master Shadow.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank You for Your response, Master Shadow. i am truly touched by Your words and insight. These are my issues and as much as He loves me, only i can heal myself. Learning how to communicate is part of the process, and especially for me given my past when communicating only got me in trouble.

Anyway... one of the issues i'm struggling over is trying to understand where He is coming from... i want to understand what motivates Him, what His logic is... in short, like the patient at the dentist's office that expects a full gory description of a procedure, i wish Master would tell me exactly what He is trying to accomplish. Of course, i'm laughing at myself here because it's not my right to know unless he deems it necessary and, as you say, "trust in your Master, and trust that He has your best interests in mind, even when He punishes you". Do You have any insight to offer in this regard?

i also wanted to let You know that of all Your wonderful comments, when i read your comment "As to being lost, you are definitely NOT lost." That brought tears to my eyes... it made me realize that my fear of abondonement was playing into my emotions again... as long as I am contracted (and i signed on the dotted line for Life) i am not lost. He will always be there for me, in some ways more direct than others... and after the last few days of silence and forced introspection i have truly come to appreciate that He has my best interests at heart for i learned and grew so much in just a few days!! i just wish i could progress faster and more elegantly for Him, as well as myself. i have never known such love and peace and bliss in my life as in my last few weeks as His slave.

Happily, i was able to chat with Master yesterday and expressed all of my feelings. He iterated much of what You've said in His fashion. He believes in me and that i will earn the collar back sooner rather than later, but that i'm not quite ready and need to work on myself for a while. i asked what i could do to earn the collar, and He told me to keep going with my journals, with my inner work, and with my growth and that before long i would be ready to be the strong slave He needs and desires. i had a long walk around campus afterwards and ironically cried my eyes out at the frustration i feel over being so emotional (i'm usually in great control of my emotions). i do feel naked without the collar, but i also now think that i didn't fully understand its import and meaning when He placed it on me. i now voluntarily call Him Master and Sir and love to do so... whereas before this incident i was doing it out of obligation, now i truly believe He is Master of my soul and deserves the respect and recognition of the title.

Later that day, Wwe had a nice little play session over chat and i was ecstatic that He saw fit to push another of my boundaries. It was something i would never have agreed to (speculum play - wow) and because Wwe live about 2 horus apart, i had to perform His wishes on myself. When He purchased the speculum a while back, i remember thinking "as if... He'll have to tie me tight for that one". But i was so grateful for His attention that my fear and shame melted away and i performed over and above the call of duty -- complete with pictures.

Thank you again!

Answer
Thank you, kelly, for letting me know the outcome. I am very happy things have worked out so well for you, and your Master, and it was a pleasure to help, truly.

         Sincerely in Leather,
         Master Shadow.