Expert: arani_CsA - 4/8/2009

Question
I really need to talk to someone knowledgeable about this, I met a women on a pick up site 4 months ago, she spotted me as a Don, I didn't even know what it meant till i met her. She managed to teach me but made me feel like i was leading all a long, she's an amazing women, sub to the bone, we didn't even know what subspace was, we did it 4 or five times, through the key board and finally on the phone, i can take her there with a few key phrases, I love the intimacy of aftercare as much as the drop, but my fear is, i cant go by what she says , she will think she's alright afterwards,and convince me shes allright but she stays there all day, , then she goes into subdrop, really angry at me for abandoning her.
We are limited as to when we can do it , she is a manager at an accounting firm and i keep her in and out of it at work, but when she goes deep, i panic, if someone walks in she can't function,and unfortunately she's married with 2 kids so doing it when she's at home is out of the question and i dam sure will not do it while shes driving to and from work, i wont even take her calls during that time. I've been having really bad nightmares since i met her, demonic attacks, and she has also, Subspace is hypnosis, and I'fear it may be unlocking things good and bad deep inside of us.
Her and i broke up a few weeks ago, i met another sub new to the game, I worked on her for 2 nights dropped her 4 or five time over the weekend, and she had a dream of her kids dying, she cried for hours and didn't know y, could not explain if it was tears of happiness or sadness, it scared me , so i refused to do it with her again.
On another occasion i managed to bring a girl all the way down to primal, on the phone, i cant ever do that again unless  there in front of me. it's to dangerous to go that deep over the phone.The original women that I've been doing this with had to see a therapist and is on anti depressants because of my absence and some really mean things i said to her when she tried to pull away from me, we talked today for the first time in about 10 days and she is off tomorrow, and will be at home alone, and is asking permission to call, she's on the edge now, and it will be ecstasy tomorrow if i agree, She's gorgeous, and i cant help myself,  but i have to be the voice of reason, i don't want to hurt her, but i really get off to "dancing" with her I'm leery of doing it over the phone, she lives a thousand miles away and i don't want to degrade what we have by meeting in a hotel room.I really need some advice, I feel like I'm dabbling in something I don't fully understand, and hurting her is not an option. any advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

You need to be VERY careful when playing at this level, and really shouldn't even be attempting it unless you have recieved a lot of training yourself in how to do it safely and how to bring a woman up as well as take her down.  It is quite possible to do someone lasting harm, if sufficient care isn't taken.

That said, I also have to question that a submissive can truly be brought to this level through on-line or even telephone interactions.  I participated in the role-play chat room scene for quite some time, and used to joke that I lived in subspace.  And, when my Master/husband and I play he can take me to a place where I'm literally not able to speak and am only marginally aware of what is going on around me.  So I fully understand what it feels like to go deep.  I also know that many women, submissives included, are very gifted actresses, and are very good at controlling a scene -- on or off line.  I do have to seriously doubt if a woman can truly go into a primal phase on the phone; I have seen women go there (I've been there myself), and they no longer have the ability to speak or understand your commands, or even know what a telephone is.    

Something else to consider here is that the endorphins that are released during S/m play can be as powerful, and as addictive, as the strongest psychogenic drug.  Once you experience it, you want it more and you want it stronger.  Like any addict, some subs aren't able to resist looking for a bigger and better high, even to the point of doing themselves psychological (or even physical) harm.  That's why you need to be intimately aware of the smallest signals they put out, so you can be the voice of reason when they cannot.  My own Master is an expert at this, and knows my body better than I know it myself.  And, again, this kind of observation just isn't possible listening to someone's voice or watching them type.

I suggest that you spend a lot of time researching the lifestyle before even attempting this kind of play with anyone.  Just knowing that you are a Dom isn't enough.  You need to understand how a woman's mind works, and how to safely control it without causing her physical or emotional harm.  You also need to understand better what it is that draws you to this lifestyle.  Another must is understanding the physical aspects of the lifestyle, such as where it is safe to touch her and how often, and also when to pull back.  And it's just impossible to completely judge these things without having the woman in your direct line of sight.

My recommendation is that you locate a BDSM group that meets in your area, get to know its members, and attend a few functions.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyres.com)  You can talk to experienced Doms, and watch them in action, and ask their advice.  And I'll tell you, from personal experience, it's a lot easier to simulate an action in chat or on the phone when you have actually performed that action.  

One of our credos in BDSM is "Safe, sane, and consensual."  And a good Dom or Master (they're not the same thing) will have his sub/slave's well-being at heart, and feel a great sense of protectiveness toward her.  And, while you may have the best of intentions in what you're doing, if these women are in fact actually experiencing what you say they are, then it's not safe, and it doesn't show concern for their welfare.

Good luck to you, and please consult with some experienced Doms before attempting this kind of play again.  If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius