Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/11/2009

Question
I have been a Slave to my Master for over half a year now. As time progressed, it became more than just a bit of fun. It became the most important part of my life. I totally devoted myself to my Master. I gave Him total control over me. I became truly His and I genuinely believed my sole purpose in life was to serve Him, something I loved doing more than anything else in the world.

Four days ago, I discovered that He has been contacting another girl regularly for I don't know how long. This girl called Him Master, and appeared to be following His orders day in and day out as if she was also His slave.

As I read the messages, it became increasingly clear that He has been ordering her to complete the same tasks as me. He told her that she would always be his, and used nicknames and phrases that we have developed together over the last months.

I have had many discussion with Him and He knows how I feel. He has apologized greatly and broken off all contact with her. He told me she meant nothing to Him and that I am His slave, the only one He loves and wants to serve Him.

But I am now faced with a dilemma. I feel totally and utterly betrayed by Him and I feel that everything I stood was for a lie. I feel that I have to stop being His Slave for my own dignity and self respect. He broke my heart and I don't think I can ever be the Slave I was if I cannot trust Him.

But as I said before, being His Slave became my sole reason for living, it was my entire world, it was who I was. I don't know if I can stop being who I am and stop being His slave just like that. I haven't called Him Master since and have told Him I am no longer His Slave, but it is paining me to do so more than i could ever have imagined. I cannot change my feelings for Him, i still love him and still want to serve him.

I feel lost and alone with out my Master and I am scared for what the future will hold if He is no longer in charge of my life.

A part of me has died but I cannot bring myself to accept it.
I desperately need your advice.

Do i continue to be His Slave, and serve as I always did? Or will the knowledge of what He did to me always hang in the back of my mind and haunt me in my slavery?

Should i deal with the pain of losing my Master and embrace a world with just a boyfriend?

I am hideously stuck on what to do. Either way, my life will be changed and i will experience pain and loss.

I seek your advice because i do not feel that there is anyone in my life who i can ask, as they do not understand my choice of lifestyle and would not understand the loss that i am experiencing. I hope that you can relate to my feeling of devotion and betrayal, whether you yourself are a Domme or a Sub.

Yours sincerely, a lost Slave, Valentine.  

Answer
Hello, Valentine,

It's hard to be fully engaged in life and with other people without experiencing pain and loss. Still, it's difficult to go through something like this and I'm sympathetic to your grief and confusion. I hope I can give you some ideas to help you put this in perspective and make the best decision for you.

You spoke of "what He did to me." Maybe "what he did" was make an honest  mistake. It's not unusual for a dominant to have more than one slave. I think the wise thing for a dominant to do is be open about his intention to do this from the beginning. Your dominant didn't do this, perhaps because he doesn't agree but more likely because it didn't occur to him. If he's somewhat new to BDSM he may have been doing what he thought was ok or even something he was supposed to do. After all, this isn't a vanilla relationship, where the expectation of exclusivity is automatic. This is a power exchange relationship, in which it's agreed that one person has more control than the other.

You didn't say how you came to find out about the other sub. If your dominant shared the messages with you, it may have been his attempt to open a negotiation. If they're something you discovered because you were looking, this raises an issue about you and may also suggest that there were already existing problems in the relationship. You need to factor that into your decision.

It's a concern when a submissive makes the choice to give up as much of herself or himself as you have. Even in the best of relationships there are circumstances beyond a dominant's control that could leave the submissive adrift. You don't have a BDSM support system, so this degree of dependence isn't safe for you. Whether you continue with this man or not, I would suggest you take a look at your priorities and goals. Having service to one person as your sole purpose in life is both limiting and impractical, it hinders your development as a person.

Valentine, you feel hurt and betrayed and your feelings are valid. What I'm asking you to do is consider if your reaction is completely appropriate to the circumstances. You see yourself as someone devoted to serving, yet you want your dominant to conform to your idea of what the standards should be. Maybe it would be better if you and your dominant discussed each other's expectations and goals, instead of focusing on this incident. The two of you share the responsibility for not making those clear before your BDSM relationship began. Before you decide whether it can continue, take a realistic look at how the power exchange in your relationship is going to be managed and make your decision based on whether you, both of you, can handle the dynamic. Once you're clear about what each of you is bringing to the table, he should be better able to lead and you to follow. If not, you'll at least have narrowed your options.

You seem intelligent, thoughtful and determined. I think you'll find a reasonable resolution to this situation. Good luck to you.

Mistress Violette